[On Remarriage] There is a man I want to marry, but I don't feel close to his 11-year-old daughter and I am worried that I will not become a good mother for her.

Q. There is a man I want to marry, but I don't feel close to his 11-year-old daughter and I am worried that I will not become a good mother for her. I gave up the custody of my own child because I was not so good at raising children. Would it be OK for me to remarry?

A. When you are nice to the child, the child will respond positively, and then you will feel close to the child and become confident of rearing the child well. It seems that you cannot maneuver smoothly for the process and you don't have the confidence on child rearing. 

Firstly, you must accurately analyze your idea that you were not good at rearing your own child. You may have been a very good mother but your psychological difficulties may have made you think that it is hard to raise a child. You may be connecting the fact that you gave up the custody of your own child with the current situation, and have the sense of guilt leading to the lack of confidence.

Secondly, you must analyze the psychological conditions of yours and the man you want to marry. Women usually like everything that is associated with the man they want to marry. Your reluctance to raise your future husband's child indicates that your psychology, your future husband's psychology, or your relationship has some problems. 

It is important that you and your future husband restore healthy psychology before you get married. You also need to restore a healthy relationship with your own child, who is being taken care of by your ex-husband. Then, you must be able to evaluate your future husband from an objective perspective. You must also accurately analyze how he has become to raise his daughter by himself. 

You must recover yourself and lead your future husband to recover himself in order to have a healthy marriage relationship. You can raise his daughter confidently and restore the relationship with your own child when you have a healthy psychological condition. 

Actually, if you did not even have the sense of guilt and not care about your own child at all, but really liked the future husband's daughter, it would indicate that you like his daughter in order to be loved by the man, which is a more serious psychological condition. Then, you will become to hate his daughter after you get married thinking that his daughter is causing problems in your marriage and your life. The fact that you feel guilty about not taking a good care of your own child and you feel distant to your future husband's daughter is a sign that at least, you are not in the worst psychological condition yet. 

The most important thing to do now is to restore your own healthy psychology. You must also lead your future husband to build his own healthy psychology. Then, you will be able to build a healthy and happy family. It is recommended that you do not take the face value of your ideas to make important practical decisions in life since the symmetry of psychology is always at work and what you perceive may not be all there is to the phenomena. 

Please, apply for Free Consultation on Remarriage provided by KIP for more detailed analysis of psychology and guidelines for happiness.

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[On Divorce] Changing the pattern of relationships with people after divorce

When you get married, your relationships with people change. Before you get married, all relationships with people including parents, siblings, friends, and acquaintances are formed putting yourself at the center, but after you get married, your relationships with people change so that they accord with your husband's standards and his relationships with people. You may become more distant with friends you used to hang out with everyday, or you may even have to stop seeing some people. You may also form new relationships with new people after you get married. 

When you get a divorce, it is only natural that your relationships with people change once more. Not only the people you meet but also the dynamics and patterns of the existing relationships must change so that they accord with your marital status. When you do not adequately change the patterns of relationships with people after divorce, you may experience psychological problems and relational conflicts. 

To be able to adequately change the dynamics and patterns of relationships with people after divorce, you must first accurately understand how human relationships work and how they affect psychology. You must learn what relationships to sever, what relationships to start, and for what relationships to change their meaning. You must also change your psychology to that of a divorced person in this process. For example, your relationship with your parents must be different before marriage, after marriage, and after divorce respectively. 

When you do not understand this mechanism and do not change your psychology and relationships after divorce, you may keep confronting problems and conflicts. Problems and conflicts worsen when you avoid dealing with them properly and address only practical problems that rise to the surface. Your relationship with your children must also change after divorce. Keeping the same pattern of your relationship with children will lead to psychological and practical problems in both yourself and your children. 

The psychology of a married person and that of a divorced person are completely different. Relationships during marriage and after divorce must be different, too. You can prevent relational problems from occurring after divorce and prepare for a happy life through Free Consultation on Divorce provided by Korea Institute of Psycho-education. 

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Empty nest syndrome

Empty nest syndrome is defined as 'the grief that parents feel when their children move out of home'. This condition is more common in women then men. Having empty nest syndrome indicates that you have had a nest to take care of and you have taken a good care of the nest with people in family relationships. As you are left in the nest by yourself after your children grow and leave home, you may experience psychological difficulties. You may develop loneliness, depression, and anxiety.

Mothers rather than fathers usually take care of children primarily for at least more than 15 years. When children grow and become independent, they lose objects of maternal love and their major role in the family. The cannot get attention from children any more and get confused about their identity. After all they have done for the family for decades, they feel they are left with nothing. They cannot feel the sense of achievement or present happiness coming from child rearing any more.

 Women who have a good relationship with their husband do not experience a severe condition of empty nest syndrome. They can still get attention from and share happiness with the husband even after children leave home. Empty nest syndrome is more prevalent in women who get themselves immersed into child rearing exclusively without having a good marriage relationship. Also, women who were not interested in child rearing much do not experience empty nest syndrome. They may have raised and supported children in all possible ways, but they got themselves immersed into some other things such as career, social life, or other activities than children. The concept of 'nest' does not apply to them since their home has not been their 'nest' in the first place. They may even like children's independence since they can fully get immersed into what they like after children leave home. 

Usually, suffering from empty nest syndrome indicates that you worked hard and did your best to take care of your children. However, your relationship with your husband may have been distant or conflictual. You as a couple may not have communicated effectively, or not exchanged attention and response sufficiently. You may have lived as good parents but not as a happy couple. Also, you have not prepared yourself for the time when children will leave home. Now is the time to start building a new life of your own since you still have the whole life in front of you. 

To get out of empty nest syndrome and build a new life after children leave home, you yourself must make effort to restore psychological balance. The first important point in your effort is to restore a happy marriage relationship. The couple can spend time together, pay attention to each other, and communicate each other. Then, recovering from empty nest syndrome may turn out much easier than you expect. 

Secondly, you can get immersed into some activities you are interested. You may take up and concentrate on study, traveling, hobbies, sports, or career. Restoring marriage relationship must be prioritized over getting immersed into activities of interest, though. Either way, your empty nest syndrome will disappear. It is fine to get immersed into activities of interest keeping your nest as it is, but you must not build another nest claiming that you will find a new life of your own. Then, you will become to neglect your family and home and start seeking fun and pleasure of the moment. You may start generously spending your savings enjoying the sense of satisfaction by activating the psychology of compensation. 

Some women develop the desire for getting attention and love as a woman. Then, they may start seeing men other than their husband. They feel they are truly treated as a woman instead of a wife and a mother and feel happy and compensated for all the years of their life they have sacrificed. This phenomenon usually occurs when women had a distant relationship with their husband. Getting attention as a woman does not necessarily involves extramarital affairs. Some women just enjoy casual social gatherings with men and women in a group to get attention as a woman.

Empty nest syndrome may be accompanied by a distorted idea that their life has been sacrificed for family life when they actually had a happy life rearing children as a mother, and that they need some forms of compensation now. When they are carried away by this distorted idea, they may overly get immersed into activities of interest or demand compensation from children psychologically or financially putting the cart before the horse. 

You need to accurately understand the root cause of empty nest syndrome and realize that your family life has been a meaningful and righteous one and you did a good job. You may have had conflicts with you husband but built happiness together for all those years. You still have the nest intact and just need to take care of the nest in a new way. It is strongly recommended that you restore a healthy and intimate relationship with your husband. Then, you will realize how great a nest you have been building and supporting. Even if you cannot work out the relationship with your husband, you need to get immersed into activities of interest in the right way so that it promotes the restoration of healthy psychology. 

When you accommodate the concept of sacrifice and compensation for your past life, your past life is perceived as a wrong one. When you become dependent on other people or objects of interest instead of finding the right way to build your life in a healthy way, you will enter the vicious cycle of feeling down and seeking attention and compensation. Empty nest syndrome is different from depression. Depression results from accumulated psychological wounds, but empty nest syndrome results from distorted ideas. It is sufficient to have the accurate understanding of the mechanism of the condition in order to overcome empty nest syndrome.

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Will children of divorced parents develop psychological problems?

 

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[The Psychology of Dating] Passion and love

 

A dating relationship refers to a close human relationship where two people, usually a man and a woman, like and care about each other. The psychology of dating has the duality that makes people feel both sweet and bitter at the same time making it even more captivating. This duality leads many people to think that their dating relationship is unique and special compared with other people's dating relationships. 

When the man looks egocentric and domineering when they first meet, the woman may perceive that his 'strong' character is attractive in a way. When the woman is complaining and irritable, the man may perceive that her 'innocent' character is attractive in a way. That is, in a dating relationship, all they need is fun and pleasure when they are together and they do not think seriously about other matters. 

However, as they are attracted to each other more and more, they naturally generate stress and psychological wounds, which indicates that they are interested in each other a great deal. In a dating relationship, they want each other and build desire for each other even when the counterparty behaves in ways they cannot understand or don't like.

The whole spectrum of emotions is involved in the dating relationship as in other close relationships. As they proceed in the dating relationship, the couple find that they have different standards from each other and generate stress and wounds. Then, the man may lose passion and the woman may lose the desire for love leading their relationship to end. Then again, in many cases, they may regret breaking up with each other and blame themselves. 

Some people consider dating as a casual relationship, but dating relationships involve the operation of all human emotions with their full scale and force. The woman may feel the utmost happiness and think that she is the luckiest woman, and then, suffer from meaningless jealousy. She may feel moved to tears by the man's attention and devotion, and then, one day, she may feel absolutely hurt by his negligence and distancing. The psychology of dating is simple and complex at the same time like this. Dating appearing to be fun and happy is only a manifested image. Stress and wounds are necessary in a dating relationship since both strong positive and negative emotions coexist in the operation of mind and psychology of dating relationships.

The couple may break up mostly because they cannot heal stress and treat wounds. When they understand what causes conflicts between them, they can easily heal stress and treat wounds. Most problems occur since they do not understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology. When they understand about both themselves and their counterparty, they can address problems and conflicts appropriately. When they build their relationship based on true understanding, they can achieve true passion and love toward each other. 

Dating relationships involve connection and love. Here, the connection means a human relationship where people's minds are connected. That is, it is a relationship where the man's mind and the woman's mind are connected. Dating relationship is formed when the man's passion and the woman's love are combined. Romantic emotions are formed when man's passion and woman's love are combined. Man's passion is positive moods and woman's love is positive feelings. When moods and feelings operate in human mind, they are recognized, stored in memory, and then, expressed by retrieving what has been stored in memory. The operation of mind is operated to be manifested as psychology. 

In order for positive moods to be sensed in the conscious, sensory organs need to perceive positive sensations. That is, positive perception of the counterparty leads to the immersion into moods of fun and pleasure. When the man finds meeting the woman fun and pleasurable, passion is formed in the man. On the other hand, the woman generates feelings in the unconscious by combining what is perceived and what has been stored in memory. Woman's love is positive feelings in the unconscious that are sensed and recognized in the conscious. Women's feelings of love stem from getting attention. Attention can be both positive and negative, but women accommodate both positive and negative attention and store them in memory. 

Women try to look their best in order to get attention from the man they meet. They wear make-up and take time to change clothes until they find the perfect one. However, men do not care much about appearance or fashion of the woman who they like. Men are sensitive only to stimulations that accord with their standards. They are especially sensitive to visual stimulation and the most important visual stimulation for men is the woman's facial expressions. The man's moods are determined by the woman's response that is displayed through her facial expressions. The man's moods become negative when the woman does not smile or does not respond to the man's talk no matter how perfect her appearance is. Women need to respond positively to the man's behavior in order to earn the man's heart. Otherwise, he will turn away from her since it is boring and no fun at all. 

The couple may experience failure when they date for the first time due to lack of experience. It is like trial and error. Since the woman has feelings, she thinks that the man 'likes' her when she 'likes' him. She assumes that he naturally 'likes' what she 'likes', and he does not 'like' what she does not 'like'. This is woman's psychology of dating. However, man's psychology of dating is different. He likes everything when he is in positive moods at present and likes nothing when he is in negative moods. 

Let's suppose that the man and the woman take a boat ride at a river and then, go to see a movie. The woman really likes the man's lead and looks like having a lot of fun. The man is excited about her positive response. In the evening, he takes her to a pub for some beer, which he thinks is a great idea, without asking her opinion. Suddenly, she stops smiling as she enters the pub and stops talking. He tries to cheer her up by making jokes and so on, but she kind of responds negatively. The man gets intensely stressed. The man gives up and pays the bill without checking for her response any more.

The woman is angry since he just took her to the pub without even asking her opinion. She actually wanted to go to a nice Italian restaurant. Now, the man actually knows why she is angry but his pride is already hurt. The man does not even escort her to her place and says goodbye in front of the pub. The woman blames herself for her inconsiderate behavior and also blames the man for being so selfish. 

Men and women fail in dating relationships since they assume that people of the opposite gender have the identical operation of mind with their own. Men's mind and women's mind operate completely differently. When the counterparty's behavior does not accord with their standards, they generate stress and wounds and experience conflicts. When their first romantic relationship ends as a failure, they experience anxiety and feel at a loss. They may feel nervous and fearful about dating again. 

People have more conflicts when their thought standards are greatly different. Each party usually blames the other party and would not admit their own faults. When the man and the woman have an argument, they would spend some time without contacting each other since they need some time alone to recover from their negative emotions. That is, each party heals stress and treats wounds in their own ways. They may reflect upon their own speech, actions, and facial expressions, and upon how the counterparty's psychology operates.

You could suppress your emotions or frankly express your emotions when you have negative emotions in a romantic relationship. It takes courage to frankly express your emotions when both of you are in negative emotions. Also, if you decide to frankly express your emotions, it is recommended that you first recover from negative emotions by yourself and then, express yourself in a positive way to minimize the counterparty's negative perception and repeated conflicts. 

Every woman and every man have their own individual thought standards regarding love and passion. When the man's and the woman's thought standards contradict, stress and wounds are necessarily generated. Continuous stress make men lose passion and accumulated wounds make women lose feelings of love. Men's passion and women's love can last long when men can heal stress and women can treat wounds in adequate ways.

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Victimized spouses of infidelity who blame themselves, blame their spouse, or feel unaffected

When husband infidelity is discovered, the wife may blame herself, blame the husband, or feel unaffected. Those who blame themselves or their husband are considered to have developed post traumatic stress and their mind operates to recover from suffering. Those who blame themselves make themselves suffer, and those who blame their husband make both themselves and their husband suffer aggravating the husband's relationship addiction. Those who feel unaffected psychologically are considered to be in an empty shell marriage, have selfish purpose in marriage, or be already involved in extramarital affairs themselves. 

When wife infidelity is discovered, the husband may also proceed to develop self-blame, other-blame, or feeling unaffected. Husbands who blame themselves and their wife have developed post traumatic stress. Their mind operates to remove all memories regarding the wife, the adulterer, and the infidelity, which are all sources of intense stress. Those who blame themselves make themselves suffer. Husbands who blame their wife develop a severe psychological disorder after getting out of pain and make the wife suffer and aggravate her relationship addiction. Husbands who feel unaffected psychologically are considered to be in an empty shell marriage, have selfish purpose in marriage, or be already involved in extramarital affairs themselves.

Post traumatic stress occurs acutely upon the discovery of spouse infidelity and transforms all past memories into unbearable stress and wounds. Victimized spouses suffer from the most excruciating pain others cannot even imagine. The first and foremost thing to do is to treat their post traumatic stress and restore healthy psychology, and untreated post traumatic stress will not only grow and aggravate psychological condition of theirs and their spouse's but also destroy the whole life of yours and your loved ones.

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[On Divorce] Important things to take into consideration when you decide on divorce.

Firstly, you must transform human relationships to accord with your marital status. It is recommended that you transform relationships into relationships of a divorced person as you consider getting a divorce and even before divorce is actually processed. You may have to sever some relationships, maintain some others, change the dynamics of some, or form some new relationships. 

Secondly, you must take children into consideration. When you do not prepare for adequately taking care of your children before, during, and after the divorce process, you may have to confront quite serious problems with children's psychology and behaviors. It is not a divorce itself but inadequate parenting that causes the problems of children. When you just get a divorce accumulating stress and wounds and without transferring to the psychology of divorce, you will definitely experience problems with psychology of your children. It is crucial to be well-prepared for divorce and adequate parenting to prevent problems that may emerge soon or years after divorce.

Thirdly, you must take your career and financial ability into consideration to become financially independent. You must build at least the minimum level of financial ability and the ability for your future career to support yourself and your children after divorce. It is not recommended that you depend only on child rearing expense provided by your ex-spouse to support yourself and your children since it is likely to lead you to pursue economic values in a distorted way. 

Fourthly, you must set new standards for happiness after divorce. New standards for happiness after divorce can be determined based on your changed psychology, which is the psychology of divorce. When you stay in the psychology of marriage or in the state of some mixed forms of psychology, it is impossible to achieve happiness in a true sense after divorce.

You and your life will be and must be different after divorce. If you take the four things into consideration when preparing for a divorce, you and your children will be able to maneuver smoothly into the life after divorce and live as happily as or even happier than when you were happily married. It is also recommended that you treat deep psychological wounds that have accumulated for a long time before getting a divorce and reset all human relationships putting yourself at the center. Building happiness ability will make you happy whether you get a divorce or not. It is hoped that, through Free Consultation on Divorce of KIP, you will learn about how to prepare for divorce, how you can build the psychology of divorce, how to change relationships with other people, and how to achieve happiness after divorce.

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[On Divorce] On what matter should I practice caution the most when I get a divorce?

The most important thing to practice caution on when you get a divorce is human relationships. When you get a divorce, you need to change your relationships that you formed and maintained during your marriage life. You must build the ability to form and control relationships in a new way and transform relationships into new ones after divorce. Then, you can live a happy life even after a divorce. 

It is not a right or happy relationship if you make others suffer or feel uncomfortable in order for you yourself to maintain comfort and pleasure. You need to understand and build healthy psychology as a divorced person, which is quite different from the psychology of people who have not experienced divorce. 

The psychology of divorce is not known to many people including psychology experts. Free Consultation on Divorce provided by Korea Institute of Psycho-education guides you to understand the operational mechanism of mind and psychology of divorced people and customize each case of divorce to help you proceed with the new life preventing problems and pursuing happiness in a true sense. 

The operations of memory, habits, and life styles after divorce are different from those before divorce. Individuals have different operations of psychology, but the psychology of divorce operates identically for all people at a fundamental level. Also, the human mind operates differently for men and women at a fundamental level letting the analysis and guidance feasible with respect to the operation of psychology during marriage and after divorce. 

Through Free Consultation on Divorce provided by KIP, you will be able to learn about what to do and what not to do when you prepare for divorce, things to consider after divorce, what mindset you must have for your life after divorce, and so on. Many people get a divorce without accurately understanding the root cause of divorce and psychological and practical consequences of divorce. Many people also experience great psychological suffering before, during, and after the divorce process. 

Every individual is unique regarding life experiences and every divorce case is unique in its own way. It is recommended against that you make reference to other people's divorce cases to address you divorce case. It is hoped that you will make a right choice by taking Free Consultation on Divorce of KIP that provides a customized analysis and guides you to choose the right direction in your future life for success and happiness in a true sense. 

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Psychological problems after divorce or remarriage

 

I host live sessions on Youtube for 'Free Consultation on Infidelity' and 'Free Consultation on Divorce and Remarriage' every weekdays. Free Consultation on Infidelity has been held about 230 times and Free Consultation on Divorce and Remarriage has been held for a few weeks now.

 

There are many people who suffer from psychological pain before, during, and after divorce and remarriage. I also find that much information is being offered to people who go through divorce and remarriage but most of the contents are misleading and even dangerous sometimes.

 

So many reference materials lead people to live in pain and suffering after divorce and remarriage when they can actually become happy by accurately understanding the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology. Many suggestions that are readily available and trusted without questioning guide you to wander about and aggravate the condition without addressing underlying issues.

 

You can prevent diverse difficulties when you understand the psychology of divorce and remarriage accurately. Moreover, you can always recover your psychological health and happiness no matter what difficulties you have experienced through divorce or remarriage.

 

It is crucial that you treat your psychological wounds and build happiness ability in order to live happily with your loved ones regardless of your circumstances. I hope that people who are thinking about divorce or remarriage will reflect on what true happiness is when before take advice from diverse sources and make important decisions.  

Korea Institute of Psycho-education : http://www.uip.ac

E-mail : uip@uip.ac

Penny-wise and pound-foolish in addressing infidelity issues

 

     We all make mistakes and go through trial and error in the course of life. We are especially likely to make a wrong decision out of rage, despair, and anxiety facing a crisis in life due to spouse infidelity. However, it is more crucial than ever to make a right decision for your life in the time of pain and difficulty since you are at a major turning point in the journey of life. If you are suffering from spouse infidelity or seeking pleasure in relationship addiction, you must do your best not to become penny-wise and pound-foolish in making decisions and taking actions to cope with problems. 

     You may be taking diverse measures to solve infidelity issues in a practical way and get out of suffering. Your decisions and actions based on conventional wisdom and knowledge may or may not be the right ones that will lead you to true happiness. Among them, some may actually aggravate the practical situation and the psychological condition further and obstruct the restoration of your psychology and happiness. You may even end up blaming yourself for taking such and such measures out of desperation or misjudgment in the pathological condition of psychology. 

     You may want to do anything only if you can do away with the pain and suffering that you are experiencing now. However, decisions you make and actions you take now aiming only for practical and immediate solutions may inflict irrecoverable damage on you and your loved ones. Also, what you perceive as comfort and pleasure now may permanently damage your psychology and obstruct future happiness. 

     By adequately treating your psychology and building happiness ability before making any practical decisions, you can become a wise person who transforms the biggest crisis in your life into a great opportunity to become happier than ever. It is up to you to decide whether you will be penny-wise and pound-foolish or just wise in a true sense.

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Addressing infidelity issues: treatment or problem solving

 

Two different perspectives are possible on infidelity issues. One is viewing infidelity as a psychological disorder that requires treatment. The other is viewing infidelity as a result of diverse practical problems associated with marriage, love, sex, and so on. It is much more common to view infidelity as a result of diverse practical problems and try to address the issue by solving the specific problems. 

 If you find that a case of infidelity was caused by marriage problems, you will try to solve marriage problems. If it is considered to be related with sexual issues, you will try to address the infidelity case by finding solutions to sexual issues. Viewing infidelity as a result of diverse practical problems makes sense on the surface level, but it cannot deal with the root cause of the issues and will end up serving only as a symptomatic treatment. Also, viewing infidelity as a result of diverse practical problems necessarily leads to adopting an infinite number of practical solutions to an infinite number of infidelity cases. 

The root cause of infidelity is a psychological disorder accompanied by perception disorder and expression disorder that is manifested as relationship addiction. Relationship addiction manifested as infidelity is not a relational problem at all at its underlying level but the individual's psychological disorder.      The spouse in infidelity has developed relationship addiction and the victimized spouse usually has developed post traumatic stress. When the level of general psychological wounds is -10 in a metaphorical sense, the level of wounds incurred by post traumatic stress due to spouse infidelity is sensed as -100,000. 

People try to analyze the phenomenon of infidelity based on what happened and what is seen and heard. They try to solve the problems they perceive have caused the case of infidelity. What is seen on the surface is only the manifestation of the fundamental psychological problems, and addressing only the manifested surface phenomena will lead to no where even if it seems to work at first. 

When infidelity is viewed as a psychological disorder, it is not problem solving but psychology treatment that is required to correct the situation and condition. It means that when relation addiction and post traumatic stress are adequately treated, the couple can restore healthy psychology, marriage relationship, and happiness, and naturally solve all other related practical problems. 

On the other hand, when infidelity is viewed as a result of diverse practical problems, not only will you adopt only symptomatic treatment, but also will you continue to face recurring problems of all types. Also, the problem solving approach to infidelity will greatly contribute to the aggravation of the psychological conditions of the couple eventually leading them to destroy their life.

 When both spouses restore healthy psychology by adopting adequate treatment methods, they will not have to experience the recurrence of problems or adverse side effects. They will actually become even happier than before infidelity occurred by understanding the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology and building happiness ability.

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Personality vs. character

 

Personality is strictly personal qualities of a person and character is personal qualities that are manifested in relationships with other people. The concept of personality applies in the situation when you exist all by yourself, and the concept of character applies in the situation when you interact with people in relationships. Human beings exist both as an individual and a person in relationships. Personality and character are clearly displayed when problems and conflicts occur and we try to solve problems and resolve conflicts. Personality is displayed when you address your own problems by yourself and character is displayed when you address problems in relationships with other people.

When you exist only as an individual without being connected with other people, you can pursue only your own happiness. You have only the right and not the responsibility since you do not interact psychologically with other people. You can operate only the mind of an individual for freedom and equality. Since you exist all by yourself, you do not give or take anything to or from other people. You may get immersed into positive moods to generate passion and positive feelings to generate love all by yourself. You can apply your personality when problems occur in the process of generating passion and love as an individual. 

On the other hand, we also exist as a person in relationships and interact psychologically with other people. Your happiness and others' happiness need to coexist in this case. We need to operate the mind of a person in relationships instead of the mind of an individual. People help each other and give and take things to be happy together maintaining harmony and order.

When problems occur in human relationships, we need to solve problems and resolve conflicts together. We also pursue happiness of being together generating passion and love as a person in relationships. We have the right to claim for freedom and equality, but we also must take responsibilities for harmony and order. Instead of applying personality, we need to apply character to solve problems including the concepts of concession, cooperation, consideration, devotion, and sacrifice. 

We exist as an individual before we exist as a person in relationships, and we naturally form personality before we form character. The formation of character must be based on the formation of personality and happiness in relationships must be based on the happiness of an individual. Since personality is applied only for an individual, it is not to be judged to be right or wrong. It just needs to suit individual needs since it does not affect other people in any way. Also, personality should not be applied to solve problems and conflicts in relationships since it is likely to damage harmony and order. 

Personality naturally develops as you accumulate unique experiences in life. No two people on the earth share the identical personality. We also naturally form character based on personality as we accumulate experiences in relationships. If you are forced to form personality and character by external intervention such education or training, stress and wounds are generated since they do not accord with your own standards and you may develop psychological problems. Both personality and character should be formed naturally through unique and diverse experiences and trial and error of your own making. 

Focusing only on character as a person in relationships disregarding personality as an individual cannot lead you to happiness in a true sense. It is the same as forcing yourself to accord with others' standards disregarding your own standards. On the contrary, focusing only on personality as an individual disregarding character as a person in relationships will lead to never ending conflicts in relationships and unhappiness of yours and others. It is important to maintain balance between applying personality and character depending on circumstances. 

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Learning to be successful vs. learning to be happy

 

We continue to learn things from childhood through old age. We learn things to become successful and happy. When you achieve financial affluence, career goals, or social status, you are considered to be successful. When you achieve stability and happiness in mind, you are considered to be happy. We must think about what and how to learn things to be truly successful and happy. 

You need to accumulate knowledge and skills to become successful with financial, social, and relational values of life. When you try to obtain knowledge and skills, you must store information in memory and internalize it to turn it into your ability. As you accumulate more knowledge, skills, and experiences, you have a better chance to become successful. 

When you accumulate knowledge and skills to obtain abilities, you learn things from other people who already have knowledge and skills. Knowledge and skills can be transferred from the one who has them to the one who does not have them yet. Then, the learners must internalize what they have learned into their abilities by studying further or accumulating experiences. 

Problems may occur when you learn undesirable or distorted things in the process since you will have undesirable or distorted knowledge, skills, and abilities. Then, you will pursue success and values of life in undesirable and distorted ways. For example, if you learn and study knowledge and skills on committing crimes, you will build abilities for committing crimes and pursue success and values of life through committing crimes. Or you may learn and employ knowledge and skills to damage other people destroying harmony and order in the society. Thus, what and how you learn and study knowledge and skills is important to become truly successful. 

If you are in a position to teach or guide other people to develop abilities for success, you must consider carefully and make sure that your teaching leads people to pursue success in the righteous and desirable way. When learners accumulate distorted knowledge and skills, it is very hard for them to adopt righteous and desirable knowledge and skills. Learning of any type takes continuous thinking, recognizing, and experiencing and no one can readily realize that what they have thought and recognized is wrong. Unlearning and correcting what has already been learned is much more difficult than learning new things without any basis. 

When you achieve success with distorted knowledge and skills, many people will want to learn your knowledge and skills. Then, you can easily disseminate distorted knowledge and skills to many people accelerating the collapse of individuals and the society. Moreover, people with distorted knowledge and skills hardly realize or admit that their knowledge and skills are wrong since they are their abilities and values of life. It takes a much shorter time to accumulate and transfer distorted knowledge and skills to the next generation than to unlearn and correct them. We all know that learning is important in pursuing success, but it is less known that what and how to learn for future success is crucial. 

Another component of learning in life is learning to become happy. Differently from learning to become successful in life, learning to become happy requires only unique personal experiences of emotions, and you cannot learn to become happy at all through accumulating knowledge and skills other people transfer to you. Emotions can be formed and sensed only by yourself and learning all the knowledge and skills known to humanity on human emotions cannot form or generate your emotions. 

We learn about our emotions only through experiencing psychological interactions with other people in relationships. What you think and feel in psychological interactions is stored in your memory and with it, you gradually form your own unique standards of positive or negative emotions and standards of happiness. Emotions, differently from knowledge and skills for success, cannot be taught or transferred by other people who already have them. It is only you yourself who can teach yourself on what and how to feel through psychological interactions in relationships. 

When you learn about emotions and happiness in mind in the same way you learn knowledge and skills for success, your emotions necessarily become distorted since they are not what you actually feel. Distorted emotions are the main cause of destroying human relationships. When you learn how to promote positive emotions, how to become happy in relationships, and so on as knowledge and skills rather than through first-hand experiences, they are stored as factual information rather than as emotions in your memory. You may develop self-conviction that your knowledge about emotions is your emotions, and reinforce the distorted emotional condition being confused about what happiness is. You may even attempt to teach what happiness is as if you would transfer knowledge and skills to other people and promote distorted emotions here and there. 

When you learn about emotions as a type of knowledge education, you may experience the discrepancy between what you think and what you feel and develop psychological problems. When you learn about knowledge and skills for success, what and how to learn is important, but when you learn about emotions for happiness in mind, you don't have 'what' and 'how' of learning to start with. Emotions are supposed to be operated and recognized only within yourself, and they are not something to be taught or transferred from outside.  

One thing to be noted in developing your emotions for happiness in mind is that you need to at least understand how human mind and psychology operate. You need to know how to restore healthy psychology when you have stress and wounds in mind, which is inevitable in anyone's life. Also, you need to apply the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology in your daily life. 

With respect to learning to be happy, you should learn through experiencing and feeling based on accurate knowledge on the operation mechanism of mind and psychology. It is to avoid developing distorted self-conviction and being carried away by emotions out of ignorance. 

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[On Divorce] Reasons for hesitating to get a divorce

Are you hesitating to get a divorce? There may be 4 different reasons for hesitating to get a divorce. 

Firstly, you may not be independent psychologically. You may be dependent on your spouse and you are scared and nervous about living all by yourself. You may not have confidence on living without your spouse. 

Secondly, you may not be independent financially. You may be dependent on your spouse financially or you may not have confidence on managing financial matters alone. You may be thinking that you are better off staying in marriage.

Thirdly, you may be worried about problems with children after your divorce. You may be worried that children will not be happy due to parents' divorce, or you may not be competent enough to deal with children's problems alone in case they occur after your divorce. You may think that children need both parents until they become adults and decide to stay in marriage for a few years more. Some couples live together even after a divorce for the sake of children. 

Fourthly, you may be conscious of your reputation or people around you. You may be worried that people will judge you differently when you get a divorce. You may do your best not to get a divorce hiding your true thoughts and feelings. 

Most people who hesitate to get a divorce may fall under one or more of the above categories. These people are considered to have already been separated from their spouse psychologically. The cases are considered as psychological divorce. Then, you may grow psychological wounds more and more and end up living a very unhappy life. You cannot adequately prepare yourself for actual divorce or transfer to the psychology of divorce. You just suppress yourself and endure the circumstance. 

You may decide to get a divorce after your children grow, you get old, and you don't care much about your reputation any more, which is a case of a gray divorce. Many people who get a gray divorce are considered to have already been separated psychologically for some prolonged time. Since they have been living in unhappy marriage for so long, it is usually difficult to treat psychology and restore marriage relationship. It is also not easy to restore individual's happiness ability in such cases. 

You may think that you want to just live in comfort day in and day out and just get older like that, giving up becoming happy. However, it must be noted that there are ways to recover healthy psychology and happiness regardless of marital status. It is not humane to just give up on your happiness and spend time meaninglessly until death. If you are seriously thinking about a divorce, you must at least prepare yourself for future happiness and transfer to the psychology of divorce.

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