10/13/2021

[On Divorce] Infidelity is a major cause of divorce in many cases.

Infidelity is a major cause of divorce in many cases. When infidelity occurs during marriage, it is almost guaranteed that a situation may occur sometime in the future where a serious incident occurs that leads to a divorce. Other causes such as difference in personalities, financial situations, and sex problems also contribute to divorce, but almost all divorce cases are related with infidelity in the first place. 

You must treat relationship addiction and post traumatic stress upon the discovery of spouse infidelity and restore healthy psychology and happy marriage. Otherwise, the pathological conditions of both spouses necessarily get aggravated as time passes and the couple usually end up getting a divorce since both parties become to want to avoid psychological and practical difficulties by all means. 

80% of all divorce cases are considered to be related with infidelity. When wounds and stress keep operating inside you, you necessarily become to want to avoid them and achieve comfort. However, it is recommended that you should not try to avoid difficulties or achieve comfort just by getting a divorce. Getting a divorce without treating psychological disorders and preparing yourself for life after divorce will result in unhappy life of yours and your loved ones.

No one wants to live unhappily after divorce. No one intends to inflict damage upon other people in order to pursue their own fun and pleasure after divorce. You must restore healthy psychology and happiness ability by treating psychological disorders before getting a divorce. 

You can apply for 'Free Consultation on Divorce & Remarriage' at Korea Institute of Psycho-education to accurately understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology and learn about how to transform your psychology from that of marriage into that of divorce to live an happy life after divorce. 

[The Psychology of dating Q&A] Does the society that focuses on moods rather than on feelings negatively influence women more than men?

The society that focuses on moods rather than on feelings negatively influences both women and men. Men cannot generate passion and women cannot generate love when they form a dating relationship based on moods rather than on feelings. 

When a man and a woman in a dating relationship based on moods get married to each other and they develop stress and wounds since they have different thought standards, they are highly likely to choose to get a divorce or to be led to diverse irrational behaviors instead of trying to endure and overcome difficulties. They may think that there is no point living together and staying in marriage when they cannot pursue fun and pleasure together.

A dating relationship that is based on moods rather than on feelings may easily end when fun and pleasure disappear. Also, people who pursue fun and pleasure valuing moods over feelings are highly likely to develop relationship addiction, which is a psychological disorder. 

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The cause of husband infidelity is relationship addiction.

 

The cause of husband infidelity is relationship addiction. It is not caused by problems of marriage, sex, love, emotions, or desires. The husband has developed a psychological disorder in two components of psychology. He has perception disorder with which he cannot stand even the smallest stress, and expression disorder with which he is addicted to the object of addiction, the adulteress in this case and he has self-conviction that his ideas are right. 

He develops relationship addiction when he perceives the adulteress's expression such as speech, actions, and facial expressions as responses, or when he develops desires for the distorted relationship upon the perception of the adulteress's responses. Then, he perceives normal responses of people around him including family members as intense stress, and tries his best to avoid or remove such stress. He begins to employ all his abilities and resources to develop, maintain, and reinforce relationship addiction. 

He behaves normally with people in general on the surface, but he would live his life only with reference to his own distorted thought. He may end up destroying normal and healthy relationships with family, friends, and coworkers. He will also develop sexual dysfunctions and intermittent explosive disorder, and cannot break away from the pathological condition of relationship addiction without proper treatment.

He may be able to adopt proper treatment when he realizes that his ideas and his life have gone wrong at some fundamental level, and he is destroying normal relationships and other people's lives. At this stage, the wife can help the husband by firstly treating her post traumatic stress and building the environment where he can realize his problems and start the treatment of relationship addiction.       

Both the husband in infidelity and the wife in psychological pain must deeply reflect upon the path to true happiness. Both relationship addiction and post traumatic stress bring about misfortune not only for yourself but also for your loved ones. It is only you yourself who can gather the will power and make efforts to restore your healthy psychology and healthy relationships with other people.

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The cause of wife infidelity is relationship addiction.

 

The cause of wife infidelity is relationship addiction. It is not caused by problems of marriage, sex, love, emotions, or desires. The wife has developed a psychological disorder in two components of psychology. She has the disorder of memory of emotion in which she cannot stand even the smallest wound, and expression disorder in which she is addicted to the object of addiction, the adulterer in this case, and she has self-conviction that her ideas are right. 

She develops relationship addiction when she stores in her memory the adulterer's expressions such speech, actions, and facial expressions as attention and consolation, or when she develops desires for the distorted relationship that provides her with attention and consolation. Then, she activates her wounds toward all the attention and consolation from other people than the adulterer including her family, friends, and coworkers, and tries her best to avoid or remove sources of wounds. She begins to employ sexual expressions to develop, maintain, and reinforce relationship addiction, and grow self-conviction that she is in love with the adulterer and living a happy life.      Relationship addiction is not activated toward her husband, children, family members, and people who she remembers that have inflicted wounds upon her.     

She lives her life only with reference to her own distorted thought maximizing sexual expressions whenever possible and displaying hysteria when she cannot hold her wounds inside, which happens often. She may end up destroying normal and healthy relationships with family, friends, and coworkers. Her relationship addiction keeps getting aggravated unless treated properly.

She may be able to adopt proper treatment when she realizes that her ideas and her life have gone wrong at some fundamental level. She may be in excruciating pain due to conflicts with the adulterer or realize that her hysteria is destroying herself and other people. The husband needs to treat his post traumatic stress and build happiness ability. Then, he can help his wife treat relationship addiction. Living with relationship addiction or post traumatic stress is far from living happily. You yourself must gather up the will power and make efforts for happiness of yours and your loved ones. 

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People you should avoid

 

There are people who you should avoid interacting with. Many people do not know about this concept and do not know how to avoid those people, so they experience difficulties in relationships. When you are in a good relationship having fun and comfort together, you cannot tell whether they are people you should avoid or not. You can tell what kind of people they are by looking at their speech and actions they take when they experience difficulties from stress and wounds. 

People display three types of responses when they experience pain or crisis. The first is to become dependent on other people, religion, study, or hobbies to break away from pain and crisis and achieve comfort. The second is to blame themselves for their pain and crisis. The third is to blame other people or the society. Many people fall for dependency, self-blame, or other-blame upon experiencing difficulties in life.        

In the first type, you don't have to avoid them if you can and want to take responsibility for the person who wants to become dependent on you. It not, you will only aggravate the person's condition by letting them become dependent on you. When they become dependent on you, they may even perceive that the damage you inflict upon them as benefits for them. As the relationship progresses, you may end up being a perpetrator without intention. It may look cold to refuse to help and sever the relationship, but it actually benefits both you and them when you cannot take full responsibility to take care of them. 

In the second type, they keep blaming themselves for their pain and crisis and they usually do not harm other people. They will try to take full responsibility for their pain and crisis, and find causes in themselves. They may not be able to break away from pain and crisis even when others offer help or consolation. It is recommended that you provide them with encouragement and consolation to help them overcome pain and crisis. When no one offers help, they keep blaming themselves more and more and may end up destroying their life in many ways. You can form a good relationship with them when you offer help to them, so they do not belong to people who you should avoid. 

In the third type, you can be damaged by their behaviors so you need to avoid them by all means. You should not provide them with help or consolation when they are suffering from pain and crisis since they are highly likely to blame you for their misfortune in the future. 

People who become dependent, blame themselves, or blame others can develop psychological disorders. There are two types of psychological disorders. One is the disorder of positivity and the other is the disorder of negativity. People with the disorder of negativity live in pain and difficulties whereas people with the disorder of positivity take advantage of other people to pursue their own fun and pleasure. The disorder of negativity usually occurs in people with the issue of dependency or self-blame. They suffer from depression and panic disorder and hardly inflict damage on other people.

On the other hand, the disorder of positivity occurs in people with the issue of other-blame. They develop addiction and the consciousness disorder and pursue fun and pleasure at all costs. They are convinced that others rather than themselves cause problems, and do not hesitate to bother other people to pursue their own fun and pleasure. They cannot stand the slightest stress and wounds when things do not turn out as they want, blaming other people. They are active and good at pursuing fun and pleasure with others, but they start blaming others the moment they cannot have their own way. You don't have to avoid people with the disorder of negativity, but you should avoid people with the disorder of positivity by all means.

When you do not avoid people with the disorder of positivity and keep interacting with them, you also may end up developing the disorder of positivity and ruin your own life and lives of others. People with the disorder of positivity will invite you to live like them prioritizing having fun and pleasure over everything else. They contribute to turning more and more people into people with the disorder of positivity.

You may decide on avoidance by keeping a certain distance with people who belong to the three types and wait until they recover instead of completely severing the relationship. When you are convinced that it is impossible for them to recover, you can sever the relationship with them. Any one can experience pain and crisis and display one of the three characteristics in the process. Anyone can develop the psychological disorder of negativity or positivity. When you experience pain and crisis, it also indicates that the chance has come for you to restore healthy psychology. When you do not restore healthy psychology but develop psychological disorders, you are highly likely to live unhappily and damage other people. 

By understanding the mechanism of dependency, self-blame, and other blame, you can manage your relationships with other people adequately in a way that benefits both you and your counterparty. 


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Qualifications for psychology counseling


When you experience psychological difficulties and cannot solve the problem on  your own, you may seek help from psychology counseling.  The counselor has professional knowledge and abilities to help solve  psychological problems. 

Counselors must have professional knowledge on psychology treatment and abilities to induce the counselee's underlying problems to be expressed for proper treatment. However, there are more important abilities and qualifications a competent counselor needs to have to provide the counselee with proper guidance regarding the restoration of healthy psychology. 

The first and foremost is the ability to distinguish among psychological problems, psychological disorders, and severe mental conditions that require medical intervention. Psychological problems can be improved and solved by psychology counseling, but psychological disorders need to be treated with proper treatment methods other than psychology counseling. Applying psychology counseling to treat psychological disorders may only aggravate the pathological condition. 

Many people mistake symptoms of psychological disorders for those of psychological problems, which leads to applying psychology counseling to treat psychological disorders. It is as if you prescribed cold medicine to a patient of cancer. When the condition is diagnosed as a psychological disorder, the counselor should apply a psychology treatment method that is designed for the specific condition instead of providing psychology counseling. The case may have to be referred for a medical consultation when the condition is even more serious. 

The second is the ability to heal and treat their own stress and wounds.        Counselors are stressed and wounded a lot through counseling practices since they have to keep perceiving negative information during counseling sessions. They are in a situation where they can easily develop psychological problems. Counselors can also build up stress and wounds through study, work, and other life matters. They need to establish the psychology healing system for themselves, and be able to treat their own psychological problems and disorders. 

When the counselor does not have the healing system for themselves, the counselee's psychological condition keeps being aggravated as well as the counselor's condition. Then, the counseling itself gets distorted in procedures and results. Improper counseling may contribute to aggravating a mild case of psychological problem to a severe psychological disorder. 

The third is the ability to provide the counselee with a comfortable enough atmosphere but to prevent the counselor and the counselee from building rapport at the same time. The counselor must be able to communicate with the counselee effectively and let the counselee freely express his or her thoughts and feelings employing diverse counseling techniques. However, they must not form rapport to the extent that they develop some personal relationship or the counselee becomes dependent on the counseling or the counselor. 

Competent counselors must have the three qualifications described above, on top of which they can build professional knowledge and counseling skills. Professional knowledge and counseling skills without the three fundamental qualifications will only lead to the advancement of the counselee's pathological condition. 

Psychology counseling has been prevailing as a way to solve psychological problems and treat psychological disorders. Many people misunderstand that psychology counseling is a proper treatment method not only for psychological problems but also for psychological disorders, which is not the case at all. Incorrect application of psychology counseling only produces more and more severe cases of psychological disorders in the society. This mechanism also applies to lay people's giving advice to people who have psychological problems. Mentoring and sharing thoughts and emotions for psychological issues must be approached with great care and caution. Some people even take advantage of vulnerable people in disguise of philanthropic intention and professional knowledge. 

Anyone who suffers from psychological difficulties easily falls for attention, consolation, and encouragement from other people especially from so-called experts. A truly competent and benevolent counselor would never neglect any of the three important qualifications in practicing psychology counseling. 

 


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10/12/2021

The effect of knowledge education on child psychology

 










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[The psychology of dating Q&A] Do people feel more attracted to partners who have different personality from their own in a romantic relationship?

Yes. People feel more attracted to partners who have different personality than to partners who have similar personality with their own. We see many couples with opposite personalities who maintain passion toward each other and stay together for a long time. A woman who is quiet and passive may feel attracted to a man who is tough and active. This phenomenon results from the unconscious operating in the opposite way from the conscious. 

Many people find their partner attractive due to the difference in personality and become lovers and spouses, but they also break up for the same reason. When a man and a woman have similar personality, they may stay as friends but cannot develop a romantic relationship because they are not attracted to each other. They may feel comfortable to stay together, but cannot generate passion and love toward each other. Anyone who is special to you is highly likely to be someone who is very different from you. 

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[The psychology of dating Q&A] What is the difference between a friend relationship naturally developing into a dating relationship and a dating relationship that starts from a blind date?

A woman and an man may meet as friends or coworkers and develop romantic feelings toward each other. This development of positive feelings applies only to women. From the man's perspective, he was attracted to the woman from the first, but he just didn't have a chance to get closer to her so far. 

A man staying as a friend with a woman indicates that he is attracted to the woman in the first place. Men do not become friends with women or stay close to them when they are not interested in developing a dating relationship. They may stay as friends and wait until they have a chance to become lovers. The opportunity may come or not, so for men, meeting women through a blind date is more comfortable and less exhausting than staying as friends and waiting for the opportunity. 

  

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[The psychology of dating Q&A] What is the difference between a long distance relationship and dating with different people without going steady?

In both cases, the relationship is easy to be broken since they are easily exposed to opportunities for meeting new partners. The long distance relationship can be maintained in a healthy way for quite a long time if they do not meet new partners. Since they meet only once in a while and they have less chances to develop conflicts, the woman can do without wounds and the man can do without stress in the relationship. 

Dating different people without going steady is generally preferred by men than by women. Men tend to focus on fun and pleasure of the moment and depend on moods rather than feelings, so they may take every opportunity to meet women in general. Men may easily break up with their partner when dating is not fun any more. 

From the perspective of most women, such behaviors of men may be perceived as immoral or untrustworthy, but it is actually the result of males' operation of mind and psychology. Some women may also decide to prioritize fun and pleasure based on moods rather than feelings by focusing on dating with different partners without going steady. 

It must be noted that seeking only fun and pleasure following moods in dating relationships will lead to ruining both men's and women's life. 

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10/06/2021

Empty nest syndrome

 







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[On divorce & remarriage] It is most important that you build your own happiness.

Not many people know what it is to build their own happiness as an individual. Sacrificing your life for family and children is not exactly your happiness as an individual. We aim for being happy together with our loved ones but we cannot not be happy unless we are happy as an individual to begin with. You can have healthy and happy relationships only when you are a healthy and happy person as an individual. 

Many people do not realize that they have severe psychological wounds and blame themselves or others for their unfortunate condition. They may become dependent on other people to avoid facing their wounds. They may also seek only pleasure claiming that they are entitled to live their own life as they wish and give up on true happiness. Pleasure seeking is not living your life but destroying your life. 

We must accurately understand about meanings and values of life and how to become happy in a true sense. If you do not adequately build your own happiness as an individual, you are likely to get involved in wrong and unhappy relationships, and suffer more and more from all kinds of practical and psychological problems. 

You must also build your happiness as an individual to be able to solve children's psychological problems since most psychological problems of children stem from parents' psychological problems. Sadly enough, so many parents do not realize that they themselves must change and become healthy in order to solve children' psychological problems. This applies to all parents in all cultures and societies since all human beings share identical operational mechanism of mind and psychology. 

Suffering from psychological pain indicates that you badly want to become happy. Seeking pleasure at the expense of your life and your loved ones indicates that you are trying to compensate for your psychological pain in a distorted way. Our mind operates only for ourselves and it can be manifested as selfish pleasure seeking. However, we live in relationships with other people and pursue being happy together in harmony and order. Our psychology is supposed to operate in the way harmony and order in relationships can be achieved and maintained. 

When you suffer from depressive feelings and then restore confidence in some ways, you may feel that your condition has been treated and willingly get immersed into positive moods through activities of diversion. However, you may have actually aggravated your condition and developed a psychological disorder with which you employ distorted ways of compensating for your negative emotions and inflict damage upon other people including your children. 

Children's psychological problems are caused by parents' psychological problems. Children's psychological problems are quickly and easily solved when parents' psychology is stabilized and adequate parenting strategies are adopted. Focusing only on children's problems per se is unlikely to lead you any where near treatment or improvement. Imposing rules and responsibilities on children for managing their psychology is the last thing you want to do for healthy psychological development of children. It is parents' and adults' responsibility to cultivate healthy body and mind in children. 

The first and foremost thing to do is to establish yourself as a healthy and happy individual. You must analyze your psychological condition and restore healthy psychology if necessary. Then, you must transform your psychology to the psychology of divorce or remarriage depending on your circumstance. You must also adjust and realign your relationships with people. Once you accurately understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology, you can restore healthy psychology and become a happy person regardless of your marital status. 

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[On divorce] Divorce without preparation forecasts misfortune.

Through 'Free Consultation on Divorce & Remarriage' of KIP, you can learn about causes of divorce, things to prepare before divorce, problems that may occur in the process of divorce, directions of life after divorce, and how to solve diverse problems and live happily.

You may experience one of the most drastic changes in psychology through divorce process. The first important change occurs during the process of dating in which you form an intimate relationship with another person. The second important change in psychology occurs when you get married. You form a relationship where two people pursue and share happiness of life together. The psychology of dating and that of marriage are completely different and people develop relational conflicts since they do not know about how their psychology operates before and after marriage. 

The third important change in psychology occurs when you get a divorce. You will choose to get a divorce when you want and decide to build happiness by yourself instead of building it with your partner. Then, you will return to yourself before you got married regardless of the period of marriage, that is, to the time even before you were in a dating relationship. 

Of course, you can date and get married again after a divorce. You will experience another major change in psychology when you remarry. The psychology of the first marriage and that of the second or the third marriage are different. You also experience another major change in psychology when you are bereaved of your spouse. Our psychology keeps changing at every major turning point in life. It is only you yourself who can maneuver the course of life through all the changes in life situations in the way you build and maintain happiness for yourself.

When you are alone, you are to pursue only your own happiness. When you are with other people, you are to pursue not only your happiness but also happiness of your loved ones. It is more challenging to build happiness after divorce than to build happiness in a dating or marriage relationship. That is why you must prepare yourself well for life after divorce. Jumping into divorce without preparation often makes you suffer from even more practical and psychological problems after divorce.

You live only once. You may be able to take difficulties after divorce as a good experience of life, but you may also want to choose less painful and less damaging path of life if you can. It may be even better if you can become happy after divorce without too many trials and errors. Also, many couples get a divorce when they can be perfectly happy together staying in marriage just because they do not understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology. Some couples are better off by getting a divorce. Either way, the most important thing is your happiness in a true sense. 

You may decide to get a divorce or not depending on your circumstance. Under any circumstance, you must be well prepared for your future happiness. Getting a divorce a a way of avoidance or retaliation will only result in even greater misfortune. Blaming other people and your environment will only aggravate your psychological condition. 'Free Consultation on Divorce and Remarriage' of KIP will provide you with an opportunity to treat psychological wounds, solve practical problems, and build happiness ability. 

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People who only say that they want treatment but do not take treatment

 

When you discover spouse infidelity, you develop post traumatic stress and suffer from great psychological pain. Most people think about the treatment of their psychology and say that they want treatment. However, many people try different measures to solve practical problems and adopt temporary diversions from their suffering, and they aggravate their psychological condition and focus more and more on coping with the issues in practical manners and adopt activities of diversions. 

You actually feel comfortable temporarily while the condition of post traumatic stress is progressing. Then, they focus more and more on taking temporary measures to feel comfortable at the moment. Post traumatic stress is aggravated more as you feel more comfortable without proper treatment. 

People who say that they want to treat themselves but do not take treatment are considered to be seeking comfort by taking activities of diversion and trying to cope with the situation by adopting practical measures such as separation or lawsuit. As time passes, their condition of post traumatic stress progresses to the level in which they cannot stand only with temporary comfort. Then, they are to choose one of the two different courses of life. 

One course is that they realize that measures that give them temporary comfort do not resolve the fundamental issues and decide on the treatment of post traumatic stress for a happy life in a true sense. It takes more time to treat such cases than when you begin treatment right after you develop post traumatic stress since the condition has progressed during the time. Luckily, these people have at least chosen to treat themselves and try to put their life back on the right track. They realize how meaningless and wasteful their effort to earn temporary comfort and solve the matter in practical ways was. 

The other course is that they become convinced that they have done all they could do to resolve the issue and they have no hope in their marriage relationship any more. They may stay in marriage but give up restoring the relationship or get a divorce. They give up on the treatment of their pathological condition and proceed to forgetting about spouse infidelity and pain caused by it. They keep aggravating the psychological condition and need more and more intense measures of compensation that can match the level of their wounds. When the level of pain associated with post traumatic stress is -100,000, you need the positive moods of +100,000 to compensate the negative value. When the level of pain is -200,000, you need the positive moods of +200,000 to cover up the pain.

Unfortunately, people who take the latter course of life necessarily live an unhappy life. They become people who destroy not only their own but also others' psychology and life. They inflict damage upon their family and people around them. They would deny that they have a serious psychological condition and self-justify their ideas and behaviors, but people around them including their children have to suffer from their irrational behaviors. 

It must be noted that you must take the right action and make efforts to restore healthy psychology and happiness in a true sense instead of just saying that you will someday and seek diversion.

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The husband in infidelity and the wife in psychological pain


The husband in infidelity gets immersed into the distorted sense of fun and pleasure caused by relationship addiction. It is as if you ate rotten food and found it so delicious. The wife suffers from post traumatic stress upon the discovery of husband infidelity. When she does not treat her post traumatic stress and develops relationship addiction on top of that, she may also fall for infidelity. Then, it is their children who have to experience the greatest suffering and pain.

Relationship addiction can develop acutely regardless of one's conscious intention. When husband infidelity occurs, the husband must be able to recognize that he has developed a pathological condition that requires psychology treatment, and must provide his wife with an opportunity to treat her post traumatic stress. 

The wife must understand that the more she takes countermeasures against her husband's irrational behaviors, the more he gets immersed into the distorted fun and pleasure of relationship addiction. It is not trying to solve the husband's problems but treating her post traumatic stress that the wife must focus on most urgently. 

When post traumatic stress is ignored without treatment, the wife is also highly likely to develop relationship addiction and other psychological disorders. Anything but psychology treatment and restoration of healthy psychology must be stopped and postponed to be addressed only after stabilizing psychology first. 

Taking diverse measures to address husband infidelity issues and trying to solve the wife's psychological suffering through suppression or diversion may provide temporary comfort and the illusion that you have recovered or resolved the issue, but it must be clearly understood that only adequate psychology treatment can restore healthy psychology without adverse side effects and prevent recurrence of psychological disorders. 

https://youtu.be/zovXOWbouEM

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The wife in infidelity and the husband in psychological pain


The wife in infidelity has developed relationship addiction and constantly seeks attention and consolation from the adulterer and sometimes even mistakes it for love. It is as if she ate rotten food and found it really delicious. As time passes, the wife seeks more and more intense level of attention and consolation from the adulterer and cannot stand without it. 

The victimized husband suffers from post traumatic stress upon the discovery of wife infidelity. Post traumatic stress is such a severe psychological condition that it is really difficult to treat it on his own. The husband may end up collapsing and ruining his own life and the life of loved ones by taking inappropriate measures to tackle the situation.

Relationship addiction can develop acutely in spite of oneself. It is important that the wife realizes that the treatment of relationship addiction is urgent and must also help the husband treat his post traumatic stress. Protecting children is also important in this situation where both their parents have developed psychological disorders.

When the husband tries to stop the wife from getting herself immersed into the distorted relationship with the adulterer, the wife's psychological condition may only get aggravated. No coping strategies except for adequate treatment will help restore her normal psychology. When the husband adopts diverse coping strategies and practical measures to solve the issue of wife infidelity, he may feel comfortable temporarily, but it will lead him to seek more and more activities of diversion and eventually make him destroy his life and inflict damage upon others as people in severe psychological disorders do.

https://youtu.be/TZxX9dL5tmA


 

[The psychology of dating] Happiness with self-actualization

 

All human beings want to become happy. It is difficult to achieve happiness living all by yourself. You may be happy as a person living by yourself but most people want to be happy living with other people. People want to become happy with their loved ones. They have ideas and dreams regarding how they can be happy with people they have relationships with. Happiness of a person can be achieved by only pursuing one's own fun and pleasure, but happiness of a person in relationships can be achieved by pursuing self-actualization and being happy together. 

People pursue meanings and values in pursuing self-actualization. Men tend to focus more on pursuing values and women on pursuing meanings. Self-actualization is pursued to achieve your dream but it is not something that is achieved at present. We cannot but pursue self-actualization until the day we die. 

Values of life can be categorized into financial values, relational values, and social values. You must first set the goal to pursue values. Once you set the goal of your life, you can just live by the values of your life. Men can live exclusively pursuing values without pursuing meanings. Women usually pursue both meanings and values. Married women tend to prioritize meanings and pursue values additionally. 

People aim for success in what they choose as the goal for self-actualization. You must clearly understand what you aim for and take practical measures to achieve the goal. However, many people live without setting the goal or without making efforts to achieve the goal. 

Suppose that a woman goes to see a play and gets highly impressed by the actors' performance. She suddenly decides to change her career and quits her job to become an actress. She becomes a member of a theatrical company and builds her ability as an actress. However, her efforts do not pay her back and she just keeps failing. She develops inner conflict about her self-actualization and concludes that she has no talent. She finds her future uncertain, loses confidence, and suffers from depression along with anxiety and sociophobia.

The direction for self-actualization must not be decided on impulse. You must carefully examine about your interest and talent before you set your goal to minimize trial and error. People who change jobs often tend not to understand their aptitude and abilities well. They may do what is given and available to them and easily give up when they face obstacles. 

Many successful people have some good habits they have developed through years of practice. They have set their own goal that accords with their aptitude and abilities, and kept making efforts. You must set your own goal instead of just following and adopting other successful people's examples. Then, you must keep making efforts that accord with your own goal to be able to form habits of success of your own making. At first, building habits of success can be stressful, but as you continue to practice making efforts consciously, you will internalize habits that are activated unconsciously.

Dating is also an area of self-actualization, in which you form a romantic relationship with another person. No one is good at dating from the first since they have no experience. We learn about how to date through trial and error, so failing in a dating relationship should be considered as a good experience.

Psychology is formed by the individual's habits and experiences being accumulated. As we proceed in life and try to learn from every experience along the way, we can form right ideas and behaviors into habits. As we learn more and more, we become more understanding and considerate and get less stressed and wounded in relationships. 

Dating relationships cannot always give you pleasure and happiness. One day you couldn't feel happier and the next day you couldn't feel worse as your dating relationship proceeds. The color of dating is not pink but includes all different colors. You may fight ferociously and stop contacting each other for a few days. Then, you may find your partner waiting for you in front of your door until late at night, and suddenly feel moved and realize that you are the luckiest person and your partner is the most special one in your life. 

You must make efforts in dating as well as in other important areas of life to reach the goal. Once you set the goal, you just have to do your best to make efforts in all ways possible. When you are stressed from the dating relationship, you must be able to heal stress adequately, and then continue with your efforts again until you form good habits. Forming good habits takes perseverance and self-discipline. Nothing in life is earned free of charge. 

Some people easily give up when they get stressed, start all over again with another goal, and they habitually repeat the whole process. They may look as if they were pursuing self-actualization, but they are more likely to be just relieving stress rather than making efforts for their goal. You must keep going for your goal to be able to achieve meanings and values of life in self-actualization. When you face an obstacle, you must overcome the obstacle and keep going forward. You should not change the direction just because there is an obstacle in front of you, but you must build strength and find a way to overcome the obstacle. When you overcome the obstacle after hard work, great passion and love are generated inside you. 

Human beings are bound to suffer from stress and wounds throughout the course of life. Self-actualization is the process of overcoming stress and wounds and generating passion and love, which are perceived as happiness. We can go on with this process over and over again until our life ends, and in the end, we may feel proud of ourselves for making efforts without giving up and overcoming all the obstacles in the journey of life.

https://youtu.be/U0VlkxczKHM

About KIP(Korea Institute of Psycho-education)

10/05/2021

On psychological wounds

 


Not many people have a clear understanding about psychological wounds. When they have psychological wounds inside them, they may think :

 

It is unfair, it is not may fault.

It is may fault.

What did I do wrong?

I only did the right things.

 

They may blame either other people or themselves. Blaming others or themselves only aggravates psychological wounds. Psychological wounds develop when you do not understand the mind operation of yours and others'.

 

We must understand how human mind operates and accurate understand other people's behaviors in order to prevent and treat our own psychological wounds. Understanding may result in forgiveness and consideration, too, but they are optional, which you can decide after accurate understanding.

 

You cannot but accumulate psychological wounds and experience difficulties in human relationships without understanding the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology.


Korea Institute of Psycho-education : http://www.uip.ac

E-mail : uip@uip.ac

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