[Sex & Xes] Setting limits on sexual pleasure #2: What is a sexual action and what is not?


We usually think that sexual actions are specific set of actions such as having sex involving a man and a woman being naked and kissing and caressing, and involving penetration and ejaculation. People also think that certain sexual actions are perverted, and thus, more stimulating when they deviate from the prototypical form of sex.

For example, sexual actions in public places, with certain clothes on, with ejaculation without penetration, or with penetration without foreplay are all considered to be different and atypical. Such variations can be limitless and it also indicates that sexual actions dont seem to have any criterion for defining what it is and what it is not. Actually, you can go to the limit of your imagination in having sex with your partner as far as it doesnt hurt or damage anyone.

The fact that sexual actions dont have criteria that define and limit what it is indicates that sexual actions may not have the beginning and end. Every action can be a sexual action when you and your partner perceive that what you are doing is a sexual action. It doesnt necessarily have to involve penetration or ejaculation, which are only a very small part of having sex.

Thus, sexual actions that focus on penetration and ejaculation minimize the pleasure of sex. Masturbation accompanied by wild imagination may give you more pleasure and satisfaction than having sex with limited concepts and actions. In other words, you may not be able to have more pleasure through having sex with a partner than through masturbation unless you can enjoy the whole process before and after penetration and ejaculation. On the contrary, if you can enjoy the whole process of being together with the partner, you can live feeling as if you were having sex every moment of everyday.

Especially in case of women, they connect feelings they experience from sexual actions with feelings they have in daily life. Women can learn how to generate positive feelings they experience from having sex on their own whenever they want. Women are affected by feelings activated in having sex much more than by physical stimulations on sensory organs in having sex. Women feel completely different about sexual actions not depending on what stimulations they get on the body but depending on what feelings are activated by sexual actions. Womens sexual actions are emotional instead of physical and the amplification of womens feelings has no limit. Women-centered sexual actions have no limit and men can also enjoy limitless pleasure when they follow women-centered sexual actions.

We all make expressions in daily life through speech, actions, and facial expressions. We make all the above similar expressions in having sex, too, but daily expressions and expressions in having sex are recognized differently depending on whether we perceive the specific situation to be sexual or not. If you perceive a situation to be sexual even when it is supposed to be daily, you may recognize all the counterpartys speech, actions, and facial expressions as sexual expressions. If both parties perceive the situation to be sexual, they are considered to be making sexual actions with each other. All their expressions can count as foreplay or afterplay as parts of sexual actions even without penetration and ejaculation.

When you confine the concept of having sex to penetration and ejaculation and focus on them in having sex, you may lose all the richness of sexuality by limiting the scope and depth of sexual pleasure with your own hands. On the other side of the coin, it must be clearly understood that any daily situation can be perceived as being sexual by someone, which can lead to a situation of sexual harassment and sex crime, you being a victim or a perpetrator.  


                  About KIP(Korea Institute of Psycho-education)

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