[The Psychology of dating Q&A] Does the society that focuses on moods rather than on feelings negatively influence women more than men?

The society that focuses on moods rather than on feelings negatively influences both women and men. Men cannot generate passion and women cannot generate love when they form a dating relationship based on moods rather than on feelings. 

When a man and a woman in a dating relationship based on moods get married to each other and they develop stress and wounds since they have different thought standards, they are highly likely to choose to get a divorce or to be led to diverse irrational behaviors instead of trying to endure and overcome difficulties. They may think that there is no point living together and staying in marriage when they cannot pursue fun and pleasure together.

A dating relationship that is based on moods rather than on feelings may easily end when fun and pleasure disappear. Also, people who pursue fun and pleasure valuing moods over feelings are highly likely to develop relationship addiction, which is a psychological disorder. 

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[The psychology of dating Q&A] Do people feel more attracted to partners who have different personality from their own in a romantic relationship?

Yes. People feel more attracted to partners who have different personality than to partners who have similar personality with their own. We see many couples with opposite personalities who maintain passion toward each other and stay together for a long time. A woman who is quiet and passive may feel attracted to a man who is tough and active. This phenomenon results from the unconscious operating in the opposite way from the conscious. 

Many people find their partner attractive due to the difference in personality and become lovers and spouses, but they also break up for the same reason. When a man and a woman have similar personality, they may stay as friends but cannot develop a romantic relationship because they are not attracted to each other. They may feel comfortable to stay together, but cannot generate passion and love toward each other. Anyone who is special to you is highly likely to be someone who is very different from you. 

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[The psychology of dating Q&A] What is the difference between a friend relationship naturally developing into a dating relationship and a dating relationship that starts from a blind date?

A woman and an man may meet as friends or coworkers and develop romantic feelings toward each other. This development of positive feelings applies only to women. From the man's perspective, he was attracted to the woman from the first, but he just didn't have a chance to get closer to her so far. 

A man staying as a friend with a woman indicates that he is attracted to the woman in the first place. Men do not become friends with women or stay close to them when they are not interested in developing a dating relationship. They may stay as friends and wait until they have a chance to become lovers. The opportunity may come or not, so for men, meeting women through a blind date is more comfortable and less exhausting than staying as friends and waiting for the opportunity. 

  

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[The psychology of dating Q&A] What is the difference between a long distance relationship and dating with different people without going steady?

In both cases, the relationship is easy to be broken since they are easily exposed to opportunities for meeting new partners. The long distance relationship can be maintained in a healthy way for quite a long time if they do not meet new partners. Since they meet only once in a while and they have less chances to develop conflicts, the woman can do without wounds and the man can do without stress in the relationship. 

Dating different people without going steady is generally preferred by men than by women. Men tend to focus on fun and pleasure of the moment and depend on moods rather than feelings, so they may take every opportunity to meet women in general. Men may easily break up with their partner when dating is not fun any more. 

From the perspective of most women, such behaviors of men may be perceived as immoral or untrustworthy, but it is actually the result of males' operation of mind and psychology. Some women may also decide to prioritize fun and pleasure based on moods rather than feelings by focusing on dating with different partners without going steady. 

It must be noted that seeking only fun and pleasure following moods in dating relationships will lead to ruining both men's and women's life. 

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[The psychology of dating] Happiness with self-actualization

 

All human beings want to become happy. It is difficult to achieve happiness living all by yourself. You may be happy as a person living by yourself but most people want to be happy living with other people. People want to become happy with their loved ones. They have ideas and dreams regarding how they can be happy with people they have relationships with. Happiness of a person can be achieved by only pursuing one's own fun and pleasure, but happiness of a person in relationships can be achieved by pursuing self-actualization and being happy together. 

People pursue meanings and values in pursuing self-actualization. Men tend to focus more on pursuing values and women on pursuing meanings. Self-actualization is pursued to achieve your dream but it is not something that is achieved at present. We cannot but pursue self-actualization until the day we die. 

Values of life can be categorized into financial values, relational values, and social values. You must first set the goal to pursue values. Once you set the goal of your life, you can just live by the values of your life. Men can live exclusively pursuing values without pursuing meanings. Women usually pursue both meanings and values. Married women tend to prioritize meanings and pursue values additionally. 

People aim for success in what they choose as the goal for self-actualization. You must clearly understand what you aim for and take practical measures to achieve the goal. However, many people live without setting the goal or without making efforts to achieve the goal. 

Suppose that a woman goes to see a play and gets highly impressed by the actors' performance. She suddenly decides to change her career and quits her job to become an actress. She becomes a member of a theatrical company and builds her ability as an actress. However, her efforts do not pay her back and she just keeps failing. She develops inner conflict about her self-actualization and concludes that she has no talent. She finds her future uncertain, loses confidence, and suffers from depression along with anxiety and sociophobia.

The direction for self-actualization must not be decided on impulse. You must carefully examine about your interest and talent before you set your goal to minimize trial and error. People who change jobs often tend not to understand their aptitude and abilities well. They may do what is given and available to them and easily give up when they face obstacles. 

Many successful people have some good habits they have developed through years of practice. They have set their own goal that accords with their aptitude and abilities, and kept making efforts. You must set your own goal instead of just following and adopting other successful people's examples. Then, you must keep making efforts that accord with your own goal to be able to form habits of success of your own making. At first, building habits of success can be stressful, but as you continue to practice making efforts consciously, you will internalize habits that are activated unconsciously.

Dating is also an area of self-actualization, in which you form a romantic relationship with another person. No one is good at dating from the first since they have no experience. We learn about how to date through trial and error, so failing in a dating relationship should be considered as a good experience.

Psychology is formed by the individual's habits and experiences being accumulated. As we proceed in life and try to learn from every experience along the way, we can form right ideas and behaviors into habits. As we learn more and more, we become more understanding and considerate and get less stressed and wounded in relationships. 

Dating relationships cannot always give you pleasure and happiness. One day you couldn't feel happier and the next day you couldn't feel worse as your dating relationship proceeds. The color of dating is not pink but includes all different colors. You may fight ferociously and stop contacting each other for a few days. Then, you may find your partner waiting for you in front of your door until late at night, and suddenly feel moved and realize that you are the luckiest person and your partner is the most special one in your life. 

You must make efforts in dating as well as in other important areas of life to reach the goal. Once you set the goal, you just have to do your best to make efforts in all ways possible. When you are stressed from the dating relationship, you must be able to heal stress adequately, and then continue with your efforts again until you form good habits. Forming good habits takes perseverance and self-discipline. Nothing in life is earned free of charge. 

Some people easily give up when they get stressed, start all over again with another goal, and they habitually repeat the whole process. They may look as if they were pursuing self-actualization, but they are more likely to be just relieving stress rather than making efforts for their goal. You must keep going for your goal to be able to achieve meanings and values of life in self-actualization. When you face an obstacle, you must overcome the obstacle and keep going forward. You should not change the direction just because there is an obstacle in front of you, but you must build strength and find a way to overcome the obstacle. When you overcome the obstacle after hard work, great passion and love are generated inside you. 

Human beings are bound to suffer from stress and wounds throughout the course of life. Self-actualization is the process of overcoming stress and wounds and generating passion and love, which are perceived as happiness. We can go on with this process over and over again until our life ends, and in the end, we may feel proud of ourselves for making efforts without giving up and overcoming all the obstacles in the journey of life.

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[The psychology of dating Q&A] Is it the same as seeing two people at the same time when you begin to see another person right after you break up with a partner?

The mechanism operates differently for men and women. In case of women, feelings instead of moods operate more dominantly in psychology. Most women cannot forget about the relationship for quite a long time when they break up with at partner and experience psychological pain since feelings are at work whether they still like the man or not any more. However, in case of men, only moods instead of feelings operate exclusively in psychology. When a man breaks up with a partner, he is likely to forget about the relationship instantly. The difference between men and women comes from the difference in the operation of moods and feelings in the unconscious. 

When a woman begins to see another man right after she breaks up with her partner, it indicates that moods instead of feelings accompanied by psychological wounds are operating in this woman. Or it may be the case that the woman has so many wounds and she cannot stand without getting attention and consolation form men. After all, both seeing two people at the same time and seeing another person right after a break up are the manifestation of psychological disorders. 

On the other hand, men seeing two women at the same time and seeing another woman right after a break up are the manifestation of moods being activated for fun and pleasure moment by moment. This is the underlying mechanism that applies to all men's unconscious. He just accidentally met a woman and got interested in her regardless of his current situation. 

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[The psychology of dating Q & A] What is the psychology of people who meet more than two people at the same time?

A. When a man meets two women at the same time, he is only following his moods of the moment since men are under the influence of moods moment by moment. When the man treats the two women differently, he may consider one of them as his woman sincerely and the other as a mere object of fun and pleasure. When a man meets a woman only for fun and pleasure, he does not generate passion. However, women apply identical feelings toward both men when they meet two men at the same time. Such women have too many wounds and they need to be doubly consoled by the two men. This is the mechanism of women's infidelity.

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[The psychology of dating] The mechanism of dating violence

 

The man and the woman may decide to stay in a dating relationship after they have become close and comfortable. They may get involved in arguments and conflicts once in while, but accept the situations and get along with each other. Then, at some point, one party may try to stop the conflictual situation by employing some abusive measures. 

In a dating relationship where both parties feel comfortable, the woman may freely nag or express negative emotions toward the man since the man's behaviors do not accord with her own thought standards. The man may try to stop her but the woman may keep expressing her negative feelings. Women with severe wounds may express more negative feelings toward their men as an attempt to treat their wounds. The man does not understand why the woman keeps bothering him at all.  

The woman even draws years-old memories and continues to express wounds. The man cannot stand the stress any more and explodes his anger by being violent. The man gets stressed by the woman's expression of wounds and the woman gets wounded by the man's expression of stress. This type of conflicts gets repeated and aggravated unless the man heals stress and the woman treats wounds. 

Males are designed to remove stress the moment it flows in for perception by the operation of moods. They respond instantly employing some measures established in the habits, be it avoiding or attacking by the operation of the unconscious. In a moment, the man realizes that the woman's face is bruised and feels truly sorry for his behavior. He would do all the things he can to make the woman feel better by providing her with all the care and attention. The woman feels her wounds are treated and generates feelings of love upon the man's sincere attention and consolation. 

Women actually have the ability to treat their own wounds, but they usually grow wounds since they do not accurately understand why and how they develop and accumulate wounds. Women keep sending messages to ask men for treating their wounds by expressing negative emotions. The problem is that men automatically get stressed when women express wounds to men. They enter the vicious cycle of the woman expressing wounds continuously and the man becoming more and more violent. 

Women must stop expressing wounds when the man is in negative moods. You may feel it difficult to change the dynamics of the interaction at first, but a wise woman would express her wounds with a smile when the man is in positive moods. Then, he will listen to the woman thoroughly, help her understand the situation, and provide her with all the attention and consolation she needs for treatment. 

When the first incident of violence is accepted by the woman without causing much trouble, the man's violent behavior is habituated. He may employ violence every time the woman's thought standards do not accord with his standards and they are in a conflictual situation. The woman must fight back firmly and strongly when violence occurs and correct his wrong behavior to prevent the habituation of violence. When the woman succumbs to the man's power and suppresses her wounded feelings, he may perceive his violent behavior as being acceptable and effective. 

As the woman expresses painful feelings upon the man's violence, the man may provide her with greater attention and consolation than ever. Then, the woman may feel greatly loved by the man and actually generate greater feelings of love and happiness. As this cycle repeats, both the level of violence and the level of attention and consolation rise higher and higher. The woman gets immersed into the cycle of feeling wounded and feeling loved, and loses the objective perspective on the relationship with the man. The man dominates the woman through both violence and consolation, and the woman stays in the delusion that she is in deep love with the man. This condition is referred to as Stockholm syndrome.

The woman under the influence of violence loses the sense of self-respect. Her value is determined by the man and she becomes completely dependent on the man, always feeling nervous and anxious. She cannot leave the man since she fears losing the man's attention and consolation. She thinks that she can't leave him since she loves him. 

She does not criticize him but waits for his care after his violent attack since she has built the habit of getting the man's attention and consolation. She misunderstands that her wounds are treated by the man's attention and consolation, but her wounds actually keeps growing. Many men and women live in such a dangerous situation since they do not know how to heal stress and treat wounds. The root cause of dating violence is the man's stress. Violence automatically disappears when the man establishes a healthy healing system. These days, there are also women who become violent in a dating relationship. The same mechanism applies to such relationships. 

Dating violence or domestic violence occurs when the perpetrator has problems in the way he or she relieves stress. The perpetrator gets stressed by the person who provides him or her with stress, and relieves stress by becoming violent at the victim. Then, the perpetrator regrets and feels guilty for the violent behavior, which leads to providing attention and consolation for compensation. Dating violence is especially dangerous since both the perpetrator and the victim misunderstand that the perpetrator is acquitted of the wrongdoing by compensating with attention and consolation.

When dating violence is formed as a habit, it is not controlled by the conscious upon the perception of stress. The man may become violent upon the slightest trigger during daily life. He will become more and more violent and end up committing a serious crime unless they develop a healthy healing system. When a woman wants to break up with a man who can be violent, she must first help him to build a healthy healing system before breaking up. Otherwise, the man is likely to find her by all means and retaliate. Both men and women must carefully examine their partner's habits in the unconscious. 

Women do not like men without passion. Men do not like women who do not generate feelings of love. Men without passion and women without feelings of love cannot form romantic emotions no matter how long they stay together. Men need stress to generate passion and women need wounds to generate feelings of love. Also, they need to know how to heal stress and treat wounds in a healthy way to be able to achieve love and happiness together. The lack of understanding of the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology may lead to conflictual relationships and raise the possibility of dating violence. 

Dating violence must be viewed not only from the legal or practical perspective but also from the psychological perspective. When the perpetrator's psychology is adequately analyzed and addressed, problems of dating violence may be solved more easily than usually thought. 

Also, trying to correct the habits of dating violence by knowledge education that mainly activates the conscious instead of the unconscious actually aggravate the psychological condition of the perpetrator. Any activation of the conscious generates stress in men so, cramming education only adds stress on the already existing tendency of employing violence upon perceiving stress. We must address not the surface phenomenon, which is dating violence, but the root cause, which is the operation of habits and the unconscious to solve the problem.         

From the psychological perspective, men's violent actions occur as a form of self-defense when the man senses such extreme stress that he feels as if he would die unless it is avoided or removed at all costs. The majority of cases of violence we see around will disappear when people understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology. Men's violent actions are the expression of their unconscious upon perceiving stress in an attempt to get out of the situation. Violence can be stopped when men transform undesirable habits into desirable ones in their unconscious and build the healthy healing system. They become to be able to relieve even the most intense stress through healthy and socially acceptable manners. 

A happy dating relationship is based on healthy psychology of individuals and healthy dynamics of psychological interactions between the two people.

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[The psychology of dating] Stress and wounds as sources of happiness

As a man and a woman start dating, the man maintains positive moods since everything about the woman is perceived positively, which makes the man produce more and more passion toward the woman. The same applies to the woman. The woman begins to love him more and more as she sees the man pouring more and more passion toward her. However, as time passes and they become closer to each other, the woman provides the man with stress and the man provides the woman with wounds. 

The man would do anything for the woman when he feels good led by the woman's positive response, but he becomes rough and even violent sometimes when he is stressed by the woman's endless nagging. He displays negative behaviors not because he does not like the woman but because he cannot stand the stress caused by the woman's negative behaviors.          

When the woman suddenly stops talking and keeps a frowned face, the man begins to feel stressed. The woman does not respond to his attempts to make her feel better, which leads him to suffer from intense stress. All males are designed either to block stress or to quickly transfer to positive moods upon perceiving stress. The man will try many things to make the woman feel better but he will try to block the inflow of stress when none of his attempts works. He may shout or get rough, and then, begin to avoid the woman and stop contacting her. 

On the other hand, the woman's feelings of love toward the man continues even when she feels hurt by him. She may keep checking for his messages and phone calls. She waits and waits for his call and becomes anxious. Then, she may call him disregarding her own pride, but the man does not answer since he has decided to block her. Men do not see women when they cannot have fun and pleasure with them. Continuous stress causes the loss of passion in men, which keeps men from providing women with attention. 

Stress plays an important role in the operation of men's mind. Men automatically get stressed when something negative is perceived through sensory organs. Then, they need to relieve stress immediately and get immersed into positive moods to completely forget about the stressful situation. 

Men are extremely sensitive to stress and women to psychological wounds. Stress which the man gets during dating is usually provided by the woman's seemingly trivial actions. Suppose that the man and the woman have made an arrangement to have fun together today. The man does not appear at the meeting place and cannot be reached by phone, either. She begins to feel bad from disappointment. It is too late to even have dinner together. 

After some time, she feels worried and nervous wondering what would have happened to him. Now, she is almost on the verge of crying and feels really hurt. What if he had an accident? Then, the man runs into the coffee shop panting really hard. The woman simply explodes upon the man's appearance and start yelling at him. 

     “You know what time it is? Why didn't you call? You have ruined our date!” 

     “You think I wanted to be late? You don't even know what happened to me.”

The woman expected that the man would apologize to her for being late and provide her with warm consolation. However, he got angry the moment he saw her. She just leaves the coffee shop without thinking twice. The man does not follow her since he is also upset. The woman hopes that he will follow her and stop her, but it does not happen. Then, she stops and thinks. She turns to go back to the coffee shop trying to understand from his point of view why he was late and why he got irritated and angry at her. This is the process of women's effort to treat their own wounds. 

When women cannot understand the situation that caused their wounds, they suppress their wounds in spite of themselves, which causes wounds to grow even more. Women with severe wounds experience psychological difficulties every time they meet men for dating. Then, they may decide to stop dating men completely. Any romantic relationship is accompanied by not only fun and pleasure but also stress and wounds. Women treat wounds and generate feelings of love and happiness when they understand the situation of wounds and get attention and consolation from men. 

Men generate great energy and passion when they heal stress. Both men and women need to keep and carry stress and wounds to be able to achieve more passion and more love. Stress and wounds are necessary elements in the operation of human mind as sources for understanding and consideration as well as greater love and passion. 

When the man and the woman make efforts to be understanding and considerate toward each other, they become the healing system for each other. The psychology of dating is based on men's and women's desire for keeping their healing system right beside themselves. When they cannot serve as each other's healing system, they cannot stand continuous stress and wounds and may break up. Thus, understanding and consideration are absolutely important in a romantic relationship.

Men's passion and women's love are connected in a romantic relationship. Men perceive their passion with positive moods toward the woman as love and women perceive men's attention as love. Women accommodate both positive and negative emotions as feelings of love. Men's negative attention contributes to generating love in women's mind but indifference does not.         

Some people do not get involved in romantic relationships since they do not want any kind of stress or wounds. They may seek fun and pleasure mingling with people here and there and through social media. They endlessly communicate on the Internet with people they don't know for every possible topic. Online communication is readily available day and night and keeps you from the sense of isolation. However, happiness of human beings can be achieved only through real human relationships exchanging and overcoming stress and wounds and experiencing the full range of emotions. 

No two human beings share the same memory and life experiences. It is a complete fallacy to think that you and your counterparty share feelings. The man and the woman in a dating relationship are bound to have different thought standards and exchange stress and wounds. It is a pity that people give up on their relationship upon the slightest stress and wounds when they can actually grow their passion and love if they wisely overcome stress and wounds. Understanding the operational mechanism of men's and women's mind will prevent many couples from breaking up and promote generating more passion and more love. 

Three components of psychology, which are perception, memory of emotion, and expression, keep operating throughout the course of life. A person's psychology must not be judged based on only the visible manifestations of psychological components such as speech, actions, and facial expressions. Also, one's expression is greatly affected by the unconsciousness. When the man speaks and acts roughly and irrationally upon the woman's negative response, it may indicate that the man's unconscious is at work to simply block the incoming stress rather than that he does not like the woman. 

When the man and the woman have an argument due to the difference in thought standards, the man does not get stressed if the woman keeps smiling. Males perceive women's smiling face as a positive response and keep generating passion even when the content of women's talk is perceived negatively. The man's passion would make him go to catch a star in the sky for her. The woman does not generate wounds when the man does not generate stress. The woman may be moved by the man's passion toward her and generate more feelings of love. Then, they will grow trust toward each other and have their hearts connected. 

When the man and the woman ride a roller coaster, the train moves on the flat surface at first. They look around and talk to each other anticipating fun and pleasure. Then, it goes up to the highest point and stays there for a few seconds. They may develop fear and get nervous not knowing what may happen the next moment. The train begins to plunge with no mercy and the woman screams regretting her decision to ride on the train and blaming the man for taking her to the amusement park. She swears that she will never do such a foolish thing again in her lifetime. Finally, the train arrives back at the station and stops. The fear and anxiety suddenly disappear and the woman senses delight and excitement.

She expresses her feelings of happiness to the man holding his hands tightly and he feels the flame of passion generated inside himself. The life with the whole range of emotions circulating inside you as if you were riding a roller coaster is the life with the energy of passion and love at their full force. 

You must not give up the ecstasy of riding the roller coaster in life just because it is difficult to overcome stress and wounds. Only with the suffering of stress and wounds are the deep emotions of happiness which are passion for men and love for women generated. 

https://youtu.be/_fO1v6PDZlg

 

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[The Psychology of Dating] The pink lens effect

When a woman and a man date and they like each other, they may develop the condition in which they perceive everything about their partner in a positive way. Then, you are considered to be under the influence of the pink lens effect.      The man and the woman may see each other almost everyday and have a wonderful time every time they meet. They keep contacting each other into late at night to maintain the positive moods through phone calls and text messages. The man may find the woman getting grumpy and irritated so charming. The woman may perceive the man's irrational behaviors as his strength. 

By definition, the pink lens effect is a phenomenon of distorted perception of the reality and it is supposed to be only temporary if the operation of your psychology is normal. During the period under the pink lens effect, you perceive all of your partner's characteristics as merits and strengths, with which you maximize your own positive emotions and accommodate them with the conscious thoughts. You become to believe that you and your partner are at the center of the universe, and any advice from other people is rejected since your are absolutely convinced that your idea is right. You only generate excessive positive moods from your relationship with your partner making any normal psychological interaction with stress and wounds meaningless and not applicable. The man is considered to have developed the pathological condition of distorted passion and the woman with distorted love. 

Men usually like being with women they date since they find it fun and pleasurable for women to respond to their speech and actions. Men do not like women who are not responsive no matter how beautiful they look since such women do not lead men to generate passion. Men often get silly when they are with women they like to trigger women's response. Men feel good or bad depending on women's response. The man may keep getting sillier when the woman keeps responding to them. When the woman expresses a serious objection against the man's behavior, the man may still keep bothering her thinking that she actually likes it and it is fun for both of them. 

Women's and men's minds operate differently, which not many people perceive or admit. Men think that what is fun for them is perceived as fun by women. Women think that men they are dating will like them as much as they like the men. Adhering only to their own ideas thinking that women's and men's minds operate identically will necessary result in some form of relational conflicts. 

The man gets immersed into positive moods and mistakes passion for love. He may say that he loves the woman every time he is in positive moods. However, love is the emotion of feelings not of moods. What the man considers as love is actually only positive moods.

Men's passion instantly disappears the moment they develop negative moods. The best thing to do to remove men's passion is women's interference and meddling. Men cannot tolerate or accommodate stress and they attempt to remove stress the moment it flows in for perception, which makes them lose passion as well. 

When a man is in negative moods in the afternoon, he automatically feels that he had a terrible time in the morning, when he actually had a wonderful time. Men's mind is manifested only by moods, which reflect only the present psychological state. On the other hand, women's love is lasting and consistent. Women also experience ups and downs depending on the current stimulation for perception, but their feelings of love do not change but continue inside them. By design, women accumulate wounds from the relationship with men and develop negative feelings, but they still keep their feelings of love toward their men. 

Only moods operate in men, so everything tends to be temporary and improvised. Women may get wounded upon some negative experiences since feelings instead of moods operate in women's mind. Men, who carry moods, tend to have frothy ideas and display exaggerated actions. Women, who carry feelings, tend to remember the smallest details from most events and incidents. Men's and women's minds are different at a fundamental level, which naturally leads to exchanging stress and wounds. People experience many relational conflicts due to the lack of understanding about the difference between men and women in the operation of mind. When you understand the operation of the other's mind as well as your own, you can become more understanding and considerate and stay free from unnecessary conflicts. 

The fuel for generating passion in men is the continuous inflow of positive moods. A man having passion toward a woman indicates that he is not stressed by the woman. When the woman provides response upon the man's attention, the man keeps producing energy of passion from positive moods. The fuel for generating love in women is men's continuous attention since women perceive men's attention as love. As the man pours his passion into the woman more and more, the woman falls into love with the man more and more. Here, it must be noted that each party is falling into their own moods and feelings respectively in the psychology of dating relationship. This mechanism explains the pink lens effect, which is considered as a temporary psychological disorder. 

The pink lens effect naturally wanes as time passes and it usually disappears in 6 months to 3 years. The pink lens effect contributes to the man and the woman getting married to each other by temporarily connecting the man's moods and the woman's feelings and generating the man's passion and the woman's love toward each other. It is considered as a temporary psychological disorder that is naturally treated without external intervention.  As time passes, both the man and the woman take off their glasses with a pink lens and begin to see their partners with their bare eyes. They begin to see the other's weaknesses and exchange negative moods and feelings, which results in stress in the man and wounds in the woman. 

This mechanism explains the phenomena where many couples break up in about 3 years after they start dating. Some couples continue dating for more than 10 years. They may be in actual psychological disorders, with which they continue to pursue fun and pleasure in the dating relationship. Or, the man has developed unlimited responsibility toward the woman and the woman has developed maternal love toward the man as it happens in a married couple. In the latter case, the couple may keep dating without generating passion and love but do not break up and stay with each other like friends.

Experiencing the pink lens effect in a dating relationship is a perfectly natural and healthy phenomenon. It indicates that both the man and the woman have healthy psychology with pure passion and pure love. However, some people start dating with their own selfish purposes. When you date someone with your own selfish purposes, you already have a psychological disorder and you will sever the relationship as soon as you learn that dating does not accord with your own selfish purposes. You may leave your partner either when they have lost what you want from them, or when you have achieved all you have wanted from them. 

However, when you keep repeating dating and breaking up even with pure passion and pure love, it indicates that you have another different type of psychological problems. It may indicate that you are an egocentric person and have strict thought standards that allow no room for flexibility or negotiation. Then, you may keep seeing partners and keep breaking up since they do not accord with your thought standards in some way without entering the phase of the pink lens effect. 

No two people on the earth share identical thought standards since everyone's life experiences are unique, and no human relationship is free from some degree of conflicts generating stress and wounds. When you begin to see your partner's weaknesses after some period after you start dating, it only indicates that you have come back to your normal psychological condition and now you can begin to build a true romantic relationship exchanging stress and wounds and experiencing the whole range of human emotions.

In the normal operation of psychology, the pink lens effect emerges and wanes as the dating relationship proceeds and time passes. However, if you find yourself staying under the pink lens effect continuously, it indicates that you have developed a psychological disorder, with which you cannot stop pursuing fun and pleasure. This psychological condition causes serious psychological disorders in both yourself and your partner, and adversely affect physical health. 

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[The Psychology of Dating] Different operations of mind in men and women

      Some people always get hurt in a romantic relationship. They may have great abilities in their career and other areas, but not so in dating. They can succeed in romantic relationships when they learn how human mind and psychology operate. When they understand how psychological interactions operate in a dating relationship, they can prevent their own and their partner's moods and feelings from getting ruined and hurt. 

     There is nothing more attractive than two people's minds being connected, and trust must precede for minds to be connected. However, these days, women seem to prefer men who actively approach them to shy and passive men. Men also prefer women who readily respond to shy and reserved women. People in these days seem to prefer falling in love at first sight rather than achieving a romantic relationship as a result of a long and hard process of courtship to earn the partner's heart and trust.       

     Men like women who readily respond to their attention, but most men know that they need to make efforts and wait for women's positive response. On the othr hand, there are some extreme cases where women may not budge an inch even when men pour all their passion into them. These women may actually be in self-love in a distorted way. Women who grew up being loved a lot tend to be positive toward everything and have humble character. They are considered to have self-love in a true sense. Women who think that they are too good for any man tend to have high standards but be empty inside. They are unlikely to meet men with healthy psychology and usually regret their behavior after men leave them even if they meet good men. 

     Men do not date to satisfy women from the psychological perspective. They take time and make efforts only for their own fun and pleasure. Men can not get immersed into women when they cannot have fun and pleasure from being with them. It is because men can generate passion from fun and pleasure only when women respond to their actions. 

     Women's psychology of dating operates completely differently from men's psychology of dating. They may pretend to be not interested in men when they actually like them. They often hide their feelings. For example, the woman finds the man especially handsome today, so she really wants to spend a long time with him until late at night. However, she is worried that he may read her mind and acts completely in the opposite way from her intention by repeatedly checking the time. The man thinks that she needs to go home early and helps her get a taxi early in the evening. She is disappointed and blames him for not reading her mind.

     Dating is a two way interaction. Love and passion are formed when two people's minds are connected. When the woman receives attention without giving any response to the man, the man loses interest in the woman. Hiding your feelings and waiting for the man to do everything for you will lead nowhere in a romantic relationship. You cannot but confront with courage, get hurt, and suffer from pain to build feelings of love. 

     Some women let the man they like leave them because they do not want to get hurt. Not wanting to get hurt means they are calculating. You must exchange thoughts and emotions frankly to understand each other in a dating relationship. Stress and wounds necessarily accompany the process since everyone has different thought standards. 

     If you are afraid of getting hurt from the relationship with the man you like, you can give up forming human relationships and raise a pet. Pets cannot hurt your emotions since they do not interact psychologically as humans do. Minds cannot be connected between humans and pets in a true sense. When the woman keeps her mind closed, the man will give up and leave to find another woman to pour his passion into.

     Suppose that a woman has liked a man for a long time without telling him about her feelings. One day, the man confesses that he likes her. Very strangely, the woman stops liking him as soon as she learns about his feelings. This happens when the woman has psychological wounds from past experiences. She may have negative experiences from past relationships or traumatic experiences related with men. Her anxiety and fear can override her positive emotions toward the man. If so, she needs psychological treatment to restore healthy psychology before seeing men for dating. 

     Women can either reject or accept when men suggest dating. Women's operational mechanism of feelings makes all of the man's actions of giving attention be stored in memory whether they like the man or not. When the woman's psychological wounds are treated by the man's attention in one incident, she becomes to like the man in her mind saying, “I don't like him at all.” This indicates that the man's attention affects the woman's unconscious by repeated interactions but activates negative emotions in the woman's conscious. 

     Women form feelings of love in two ways. One is when the attention that the man gives them accords with their thought standards and the other is when the attention does not accord with their thought standards. Women perceive men's attention itself as love whether it is negative or positive. Emotions can be positive or negative. Positive emotions can develop into feelings of love but negative emotions result in psychological wounds in women. Women generate feelings of love and happiness when they treat wounds, which are negative emotions. This explains how women generate feelings of love from negative emotions as well as from positive emotions. 

     When the woman displays anger and irritation at the man, it indicates that she likes the man and wants the man to pour more passion into the woman. Also, when the man continues to give attention to the woman even when the woman doesn't like the man, the woman gradually becomes to like the man since she has been storing many things related with the man in her memory. Here, attention and obsession must be clearly differentiated. Attention comes from the desire for giving but obsession comes from the desire for one's own satisfaction. 

     Suppose that a man who works at the same office keeps asking the woman for a date and follows her everywhere for months. At first, she feels uncomfortable and even a little scared, but soon, she becomes indifferent to him thinking that he will stop someday. Then, he really stops following her and she feels worried and anxious since he is not seen around. His unconditional attention giving has generated feelings of love in her. Women accommodate stress and accumulate it as wounds in the memory. When men's attention to women continues, women's unconscious perceives men's attention as love and treats wounds. However, men's attention with selfish purpose only grows wounds in women.

     The operation of women's wounds makes them recognize psychological pain and difficulties, which are signals for treating wounds. Women's expressions of irritation and anger are also signals for treating wounds. When the man provides the woman with attention and consolation in this situation, the woman's wounds are treated and feelings of love and happiness are generated in her unconscious. Whether women like the attention or not in the conscious does not matter here and indifference does not produce any emotion in women. 

     Men carry moods and women carry feelings. Men automatically develop positive moods when positive stimulation is sensed through sensory organs. That is, they perceive the counterparty's response in a positive way. Then, they can generate passion when they get immersed into positive moods. The woman feels happiness when she is convinced that the man truly loves her. However, the man does not know about the woman's mechanism of mind and thinks that all he needs to do for her is to make her have fun and pleasure. Women, who consider feelings important, usually do not trust men who pursue only fun and pleasure of the moment. 

     Women evaluate men by their speech and actions. They look for manners, honesty, considerateness, and wisdom in men. They get disappointed and hurt when they cannot trust men for their love. Women trust men who listen to them carefully. Women are sensitive to men's attitude when they are listening to women's talk. They will stop talking when men look distracted or do not focus.

     Women get hurt when men provide less attention to them. Suppose that the woman and the man decide to spend their vacation separately with their own friends. The man and his friends go to the beach and the woman and her friends go to the mountain. The man has an absolutely wonderful time, but the woman does not enjoy the vacation at all since she actually wanted to spend time with the man instead of her own friends. Upon returning from the separate vacation, the woman expresses her negative feelings to the man, but the man does not understand the woman's emotions at all. She keeps expressing her negative feelings and he does not even want to talk about it and explodes. Now, their talk develops into an argument and the woman walks out on him.

     Both men and women have high expectation for each other in a dating relationship. However, men do not understand women's mind operation and tend to follow their moods moment by moment. This leads women to feel both feelings of love and happiness and feelings of wounds alternately. The woman stops talking when she feels hurt for some reason which the man has provided but usually cannot fathom. The man thinks that the woman is a capricious type. The woman develops inner conflict on whether she should continue or stop this relationship.

     Men's and women's minds operate differently so they think and act differently. Men get stressed when being with women is not fun or pleasurable. Women feel hurt when their desire for love is not fulfilled by men. When they cannot heal stress and treat wounds for some prolonged time, they may decide to break up thinking that dating is difficult. Men automatically block the inflow of stress or eliminate stress as soon as it flows in. Women automatically accommodate stress and store it in memory after transforming it into wounds. Stress and wounds are generated when information that flows in for perception does not accord with their thought standards. When both parties adhere to their own standards without being considerate of the counterparty's perspective, men lose passion and women lose love in the relationship. You must always consider your partner's position, emotions, and ideas and try to understand each other to build trust with open mind.

     Love and wounds, and passion and stress are in an inseparable relation. Pursuing only one's own pleasure or happiness necessarily leads to relational conflicts. Suppressing or avoiding conflicts will only grow stress and wounds aggravating problems. Looking for causes of conflicts and trying to be considerate and understanding are crucial in building healthy dating relationships. Neglecting conflicts will result in additional conflicts and misunderstanding, which in turn will pull down trust and eventually end the relationship.

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[The Psychology of Dating] Passion and love

 

A dating relationship refers to a close human relationship where two people, usually a man and a woman, like and care about each other. The psychology of dating has the duality that makes people feel both sweet and bitter at the same time making it even more captivating. This duality leads many people to think that their dating relationship is unique and special compared with other people's dating relationships. 

When the man looks egocentric and domineering when they first meet, the woman may perceive that his 'strong' character is attractive in a way. When the woman is complaining and irritable, the man may perceive that her 'innocent' character is attractive in a way. That is, in a dating relationship, all they need is fun and pleasure when they are together and they do not think seriously about other matters. 

However, as they are attracted to each other more and more, they naturally generate stress and psychological wounds, which indicates that they are interested in each other a great deal. In a dating relationship, they want each other and build desire for each other even when the counterparty behaves in ways they cannot understand or don't like.

The whole spectrum of emotions is involved in the dating relationship as in other close relationships. As they proceed in the dating relationship, the couple find that they have different standards from each other and generate stress and wounds. Then, the man may lose passion and the woman may lose the desire for love leading their relationship to end. Then again, in many cases, they may regret breaking up with each other and blame themselves. 

Some people consider dating as a casual relationship, but dating relationships involve the operation of all human emotions with their full scale and force. The woman may feel the utmost happiness and think that she is the luckiest woman, and then, suffer from meaningless jealousy. She may feel moved to tears by the man's attention and devotion, and then, one day, she may feel absolutely hurt by his negligence and distancing. The psychology of dating is simple and complex at the same time like this. Dating appearing to be fun and happy is only a manifested image. Stress and wounds are necessary in a dating relationship since both strong positive and negative emotions coexist in the operation of mind and psychology of dating relationships.

The couple may break up mostly because they cannot heal stress and treat wounds. When they understand what causes conflicts between them, they can easily heal stress and treat wounds. Most problems occur since they do not understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology. When they understand about both themselves and their counterparty, they can address problems and conflicts appropriately. When they build their relationship based on true understanding, they can achieve true passion and love toward each other. 

Dating relationships involve connection and love. Here, the connection means a human relationship where people's minds are connected. That is, it is a relationship where the man's mind and the woman's mind are connected. Dating relationship is formed when the man's passion and the woman's love are combined. Romantic emotions are formed when man's passion and woman's love are combined. Man's passion is positive moods and woman's love is positive feelings. When moods and feelings operate in human mind, they are recognized, stored in memory, and then, expressed by retrieving what has been stored in memory. The operation of mind is operated to be manifested as psychology. 

In order for positive moods to be sensed in the conscious, sensory organs need to perceive positive sensations. That is, positive perception of the counterparty leads to the immersion into moods of fun and pleasure. When the man finds meeting the woman fun and pleasurable, passion is formed in the man. On the other hand, the woman generates feelings in the unconscious by combining what is perceived and what has been stored in memory. Woman's love is positive feelings in the unconscious that are sensed and recognized in the conscious. Women's feelings of love stem from getting attention. Attention can be both positive and negative, but women accommodate both positive and negative attention and store them in memory. 

Women try to look their best in order to get attention from the man they meet. They wear make-up and take time to change clothes until they find the perfect one. However, men do not care much about appearance or fashion of the woman who they like. Men are sensitive only to stimulations that accord with their standards. They are especially sensitive to visual stimulation and the most important visual stimulation for men is the woman's facial expressions. The man's moods are determined by the woman's response that is displayed through her facial expressions. The man's moods become negative when the woman does not smile or does not respond to the man's talk no matter how perfect her appearance is. Women need to respond positively to the man's behavior in order to earn the man's heart. Otherwise, he will turn away from her since it is boring and no fun at all. 

The couple may experience failure when they date for the first time due to lack of experience. It is like trial and error. Since the woman has feelings, she thinks that the man 'likes' her when she 'likes' him. She assumes that he naturally 'likes' what she 'likes', and he does not 'like' what she does not 'like'. This is woman's psychology of dating. However, man's psychology of dating is different. He likes everything when he is in positive moods at present and likes nothing when he is in negative moods. 

Let's suppose that the man and the woman take a boat ride at a river and then, go to see a movie. The woman really likes the man's lead and looks like having a lot of fun. The man is excited about her positive response. In the evening, he takes her to a pub for some beer, which he thinks is a great idea, without asking her opinion. Suddenly, she stops smiling as she enters the pub and stops talking. He tries to cheer her up by making jokes and so on, but she kind of responds negatively. The man gets intensely stressed. The man gives up and pays the bill without checking for her response any more.

The woman is angry since he just took her to the pub without even asking her opinion. She actually wanted to go to a nice Italian restaurant. Now, the man actually knows why she is angry but his pride is already hurt. The man does not even escort her to her place and says goodbye in front of the pub. The woman blames herself for her inconsiderate behavior and also blames the man for being so selfish. 

Men and women fail in dating relationships since they assume that people of the opposite gender have the identical operation of mind with their own. Men's mind and women's mind operate completely differently. When the counterparty's behavior does not accord with their standards, they generate stress and wounds and experience conflicts. When their first romantic relationship ends as a failure, they experience anxiety and feel at a loss. They may feel nervous and fearful about dating again. 

People have more conflicts when their thought standards are greatly different. Each party usually blames the other party and would not admit their own faults. When the man and the woman have an argument, they would spend some time without contacting each other since they need some time alone to recover from their negative emotions. That is, each party heals stress and treats wounds in their own ways. They may reflect upon their own speech, actions, and facial expressions, and upon how the counterparty's psychology operates.

You could suppress your emotions or frankly express your emotions when you have negative emotions in a romantic relationship. It takes courage to frankly express your emotions when both of you are in negative emotions. Also, if you decide to frankly express your emotions, it is recommended that you first recover from negative emotions by yourself and then, express yourself in a positive way to minimize the counterparty's negative perception and repeated conflicts. 

Every woman and every man have their own individual thought standards regarding love and passion. When the man's and the woman's thought standards contradict, stress and wounds are necessarily generated. Continuous stress make men lose passion and accumulated wounds make women lose feelings of love. Men's passion and women's love can last long when men can heal stress and women can treat wounds in adequate ways.

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[Publication] The Theory of Mimind

 

The Principles of How Human Mind and Psychology Work

Human mind consists of the conscious and the unconscious, and the mind operates differently when a human exists as an individual and as a person in relationship. Human mind is the standard and expression of psychology, and the principle and rule by which psychology operates. Humans have the mind of pursuing happiness. Males and females have complete differences in the working of the mind, the pursuit of happiness, the memory of emotions, and the immersion and concentration. The Theory of Mimind explains how the mind exists and works to have the conscious and the unconscious operate, to activate Migene, and to have the human psychology work. The Theory of Mimind is a psychological theory that investigates the working of human mind.

Preface

I have been researching psychological disorders and developing treatments while developing a new psychological theory. This is a book of psychological theory, which is written based on my experiences of counseling and psycho-educating many people to treat their various psychological disorders. I had never majored in psychology, counseling, or psychiatry. However, through many years of clinical counseling and psycho-education, I was capable of not only inventing mimind, xesmind, and migene, but also verifying them so that many people from all walks of life, both professionals in medical and psychological field and non-professionals, might be able to study on their own. That is the main purpose of this book. Therefore, I have used mostly generic terms rather than psychological jargons and for new terms adopted in this book, I have explained each new term in the footnote.

While I was writing 'the Theory of Mimind', I have thought long and hard about the organization of this book. Chapter 1 explains the hypothesis of the Theory of Mimind; Chapter 2, the mind and psychology of humans; Chapter 3, the foundation of the mind and psychology of humans; Chapter 4, the different function of the mind of man and woman; Chapter 5, habits and personality; Chapter 6, the psychology of xes; Chapter 7, the psychology of communication; chapter 8, the psychology of happiness; chapter 9, trauma; and Chapter 10, psychological disorders.

I have classified psychological disorders into perception disorder, the disorder of memory of emotion, expression disorder. And for each disorder, I have come up with treatments and proved their efficacy. While researching the causes and the treatments of various psychological disorders, I saw the necessity of developing a new psychological principle that can explain how the mind and psychology of humans operate. Hence, I analyzed my clinical counseling reports and developed the theories of mimind, xesmind, and migene. Having analyzed the results of the different operations of the mind of man and woman, we can say that man and woman have different ways of cognizing and interpreting a problem, different operation of stress and wounds on them, and different psychological disorders that operate in a complex manner. The Theory of Mimind has systematically arranged these findings.

Acknowledgement

I want to express my gratitude to BiHyun Park, Chairman of Korea Institute of Psycho-Education, who helped me greatly with publishing this book, who have always been there for me, Yoonsu Song from Forum for Psychology Research, Yoon Hee Ko, and many training specialists who endeavored to spread this theory of human mind. Without them, the Theory of Mimind would have been difficult to develop. Also, deeply heartfelt thanks to those who participated in the treatments of psychological disorders and in the psycho-education training programs. Their clinical contribution played a major role in the development of the Theory of Mimind.

Many friends helped me overcome difficulties and restore the habits of a passionate life so that I could focus on researching the psychological principles and operations of the human mind. Last but not least, I want to say big 'thank you' to my family who have always supported me with unwavering trust no matter what I do.

https://www.amazon.com/Theory-Mimind-Human-Mind-Psychology-ebook/dp/B07N1DZQCL/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=the+theory+of+mimind&qid=1617323598&sr=8-1

Table of Contents

Preface & Acknowledgement

Chapter 1. The Theory of Mimind

(1) The Research Background

(2) The Hypothesis

(3) The Application

Chapter 2. The Person and the Person In Relationship

(1) Body and Mind

(2) Human Mind

(3) Facts and Emotions

(4) Meaningful Life and Valuable Life

(5) Comparison of Psychology

Chapter 3. Mind and Psychology

(1) The System of Mind

(2) The Development Process

(3) The Psychology of Perception

(4) The Psychology of Memory

(5) The Psychology of Expression

(6) Understanding and Consideration

(7) Human Relationship

Chapter 4. The Mind of Male and Female

(1) The Difference of Mind

(2) The Difference of Memories of Emotions

(3) The Difference of Happiness

(4) The Difference of Emotional Immersion

(5) "Too Much Is As Bad As Too Little."

Chapter 5. Habits and Personality

(1) The Formation of Habits

(2) The Modification of Habits

(3) The Symmetry of Psychology

Chapter 6. The Psychology of Xes

(1) Adults and Minors

(2) Woman's Psychology of Xes

(3) Man's Psychology of Xes

(4) The Right of Self-determination on Sex

(5) The Psychological Purity

(6) Sexual Crime

Chapter 7. The Psychology of Communication

(1) Emotions and Opinions

(2) Perception of Communication

(3) Emotional Confrontation

(4) Manners of Communication

Chapter 8. The Psychology of Happiness

(1) The Principle of Happiness

(2) Woman's Happiness

(3) Man's Happiness

Chapter 9. Trauma

(1) The Occurrence of Trauma

(2) Stress and Wounds

(3) The Defense Mechanism of Trauma

Chapter 10. Psychological Disorder

(1) Perception Disorder and Disorder of Memory of Emotion

(2) Disorder of Memory of Emotion (Depression)

(3) Expression Disorder (Addiction)

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