[Mother Therapy] Your life, your choice (Psychological dependence and independence)

What was the first choice you made this morning? I briefly debated whether to sleep in for another 10 minutes or get up right away, but I chose to get up right away, which allowed me to complete the morning routine I had planned the day before, with the added bonus of feeling good about myself.

From the moment we wake up in the morning till the end of the day, we make a lot of choices, some of which we make on our own, but a surprising number of them are influenced by others. We often make decisions based on what our family, friends, and coworkers think of us, or what they expect us to do.

While it's important to respect and consider other people's opinions, we often lose sight of what we really want in the process. What's more, being overly dependent on others makes it harder to live our lives to the fullest, as we become more dependent on their reactions than our own decisions. 

So why do we need to be able to make our own choices and not lean on others? Leaning on others for a moment can be comforting and supportive, but if it's repeated, you're constantly asking someone for many parts of your life. You can become dependent on them for every single decision including the smallest matters, which can make them feel overwhelmed, which can lead to conflicts and make it harder to maintain a healthy relationship. 

Being psychologically dependent means that you've surrendered your power to other people, and you're at their mercy, which means that a lot of your life is dictated by their reactions, and you're bound to feel a sense of loss and helplessness when they change or leave, making it harder for you to live your life on your own terms. 

Psychological independence, on the other hand, is about valuing yourself and living by your own standards, not being swayed by other people's opinions. This doesn't mean that you should cut off relationships with others; it's important to cherish and protect relationships that meet your standards. The key is to understand the difference between dependence and independence clearly and to develop the ability to make your own choices.

Everyone can make their own choices, and although it's not easy, you can make a difference with time and effort. Once you've achieved psychological independence, economic independence will naturally follow, and you'll no longer depend on others for happiness. You can create your own happiness and share it with those around you.

People say that our life is formed based on how we look at it, and we can choose how we react in every moment, so it's all up to us. We have the power to make ourselves unhappy, or we have the power to make ourselves happy, so why spend energy on making ourselves unhappy? Wouldn't it be better to use that energy to choose happiness?

              https://youtu.be/M5XQSVMyRAg?si=DCufzUVznnP8wvb8

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[Mother Therapy] Starting is half the battle, but only half.

Is there something new you're trying these days? We start a lot of new things in our lives, whether it's studying, taking up a new sport or hobby, or dreaming up a business. For each of these endeavors, we set goals, both big and small, but do we achieve them all at once? I think I rarely achieve my goals all at once. No matter how exciting the start, there are bound to be trials and errors along the way.

Take a business, for example: you start out thinking, “I'm going to launch a product that's so perfect and so good, it's going to be a hit!” and then it doesn't turn out the way you thought it would, and if it does, it's most likely the result of a lot of trial and error and refinement.

The problem is, we know this, but we don't apply it to ourselves, and that's where a lot of people get stuck. They only see what they want to see, and they envy someone else's success and want to emulate it. It might get you started, but it's not sustainable, because you're not looking at the effort and the process, but you're just looking at the outcome, and you're comparing yourself with others.

You may say reasons why you can't keep doing it - “I'm not talented enough,” “I don't think I can do that no matter what I do,” “I don't have the environment to do that,” etc. But it is usually more likely that it's not really that you can't, it's that you don't.

Some people pretend they don't work much but it’s more likely that they work really hard. In fact, they do their best every moment of their life without even realizing it. Most people I see are working hard in their own way.

There are some people who feel sorry for themselves because they're working so hard and they don't have any time for themselves. They feel sorry for themselves because they think, “Why do I have to work so hard?” But I think they should be proud of themselves, not sorry for themselves. They should be proud and happy that they're able to work hard every day.

It's true that starting is important, so you can say, “Starting is half the battle,” but starting is not the end. Any achievement requires continuous effort, and in this case, if you take a product as an example, it doesn't sell by itself when you launch it. You have to constantly manage it and improve the quality, and you have to pay attention to sales, service, delivery, etc. because it's not just the product that should be good and there are so many other things to take care of. If you neglect these things, even the best product will disappear sooner or later.

There's so much you can do, and if you start anything, stick with it, and you'll see results, or you'll find yourself becoming an expert in your field. Starting is half the battle. But if you just start and don't put in the effort, you're literally only halfway there, and we all know that just starting doesn't mean you're done.

                                https://youtu.be/tRpjNw04tCA?si=sSO7ZWs8jATWLJQg

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[Mother Therapy] Are you happier when you're alone or together?

 

Are you happier when you're alone or together? There are times when we are alone and times when we are with someone. We naturally move back and forth between being alone and being together, and depending on our own experiences, we say “I like being alone” or “I like being together,” but how we feel is highly dependent on our current emotions and circumstances, so some people feel more comfortable and better when they're alone because they're currently struggling in a relationship, while others feel happier when they're with people because they're currently feeling lonely and empty.

The important thing is to recognize what you need now, not just one way or the other. If being alone feels comfortable and good to you right now, it may be the break you need at the moment, or if being with someone brings you joy, it may be a sign that your heart needs a relationship.

It's interesting to note that people feel happier when they bring joy to someone else than they do when they get pleasure for themselves. Perhaps we are naturally altruistic beings. For example, preparing delicious food for children and seeing them enjoy it brings you more joy than when you eat it. In this way, other people's happiness can become your happiness, too.

But if I'm struggling in a relationship, I need to take a moment to focus on myself. When I notice that I'm feeling a little more emotional than usual, or that I'm overthinking about things, I intentionally move my body to shift gears. Going for a walk, exercising, or just tidying up around the house really helps me. When we're in an emotionally unstable state, we can have a negative impact on the people around us, which in turn can make us feel worse, so it's important to look at how we're feeling and take care of ourselves first and foremost.

We all experience both happiness when we're alone and happiness when we're together. It's important not to stay in one or the other, and by creating healing habits of self-care and taking care of yourself well, whether you are alone or together, you can stay emotionally balanced.

We all know that the state of your body affects the state of your mind, so taking care of your health is also an essential part of self-care. To be happy both alone and together, find balance in your day by seeing yourself as you are right now and taking care of yourself physically and psychologically.

                                 https://youtu.be/3UbyAez76qE?si=chDTjewelGYNKfGp

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[Mother Therapy] The Power of Organizing : Creating Psychological Space

The autumn season is such a great time of year that you can do just about anything, but I'd like to recommend organizing. We often think of organizing as simply rearranging the clutter around us, but what I'm talking about is separating what we need from what we don't need, and getting rid of what we don't need by giving it away or throwing it away. It may not seem like a big deal, but it's about freeing up the space in our mind as well as at home.

We all have a lot of stuff around us that we don't need, and we probably don't think much about it, but when we accumulate what we don't need, no matter how much we clean them, they quickly become cluttered again. Not only do they take up space, but they can also make us feel psychologically overwhelmed and affect our attitudes and routines negatively.

In fact, studies have shown that when we accumulate stuff we don't need, our brains are flooded with unnecessary information, which can lead to stress and anxiety. It's like having a head full of unnecessary thoughts, which makes it harder to focus on what's important and makes you feel more stressed over small problems.

But even when you feel the need to get rid of things, you may find yourself thinking, “I might use this later...” or “I paid a lot for this...”, and you can't get rid of it. This is the hardest part of organizing, but if you don't organize and leave it behind, will you really use it again? No, you won't. Most of the things you leave behind will never be used again. We need to have the courage to organize.

For example, you've probably had the experience of going through your seasonal clothes to organize your wardrobe, only to find that you haven't worn them in the last year, and you can't bring yourself to throw them out because you think, “I'll wear them someday,” or “You never know,” or “They're still good,” and every year you take them out but don't wear them. If you hesitate at the moment of choice to throw them out or not, and you end up hoarding them, it's almost like an obsession, and it can develop into a compulsion to feel psychological security through them.

It's helpful to have clear criteria to help you organize such as: “If I haven't worn it in a year, I don't need it.” When you're ready to part with it, you can fill the empty space in your closet with what you really need and reduce the stress of going through so many things to find what you need.  

You can leave the empty space as it is, or you can use it to fill in the space with new things you need. The best part about decluttering is the freedom and possibilities. You can organize any time of year, and it doesn't have to be in the fall, but I like to recommend it now because the cooler weather and quieter atmosphere can be so calming and relaxing. Autumn is a good season to organize your thoughts and feelings as well as your possessions. By getting organized, you'll be able to slow down a little and think about what you can do for the rest of the year, while also preparing for the new year.

                                 https://youtu.be/vqzZ5veEiZM?si=z4efTo20MxmDYHvi

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[Mother Therapy] What type am I? (Based on working styles)

 

Harvard University studied what it takes to live a happy life by following over 1,000 people for nearly 85 years, and according to the research, the most important factor for a happy life is relationships. Strong, stable relationships have a huge impact on happiness.

When we think of relationships, we often think of family, friends, and romantic partners, but we can't ignore our relationships with people at work. We spend a significant portion of our day at work and are closely connected to our coworkers and the people we meet through our work, so the relationships we have at work have a huge impact on our lives.

Today we're going to talk about the types of people you meet at work based on their working styles and how they affect your work and yourself.

The first type is people who have executive ability. These are the people who make a plan and then jump right into action. They get things done quickly, and when problems arise, they deal with them immediately. Working with them is a great way to achieve your goals. However, their fast pace can be exhausting for those around them, and they can be hard to keep up with.

If you are this type, your ability to work and cope can be very good personally, but you don't work alone, so you need to share and coordinate with your coworkers on a daily basis, so that you can pace yourself and keep a balance all working towards the same goal.

The second is people with lots of ideas but not enough execution. These are the people who are creative and full of ideas, but take time to realize them or lack the ability to execute them. In other words, they're “all talk, no action.” Having a lot of ideas is definitely an important strength, but if they don't follow through, they can lose credibility with team members and cause disruption. 

So how can these types of people make the most of their strengths? Partnering with someone who is a good executioner can help them keep their ideas alive and lead to tangible results. Setting clear goals can also help compensate for their lack of execution, and it can be helpful to routinely envision how their ideas will be implemented. 

The third is people who are critical but not problem-solving. These people are good at pointing out problems and quickly identifying areas for improvement, but they often don't offer any solution. Criticism is important because it points out errors and inefficiencies so that we can move in a better direction. However, if you only point out problems and don't offer any concrete ideas on how to solve them, it slows down progress and lowers morale.

That's why it's important to have conversations that are open to criticism, but also work together to find solutions. It's not just about pointing out problems, it's about turning that criticism into concrete solutions.

What types do you see in the people you work with now, and what type do you see yourself as? We get to work with a lot of different types of people, and I think if we can capitalize on their strengths and complement each other's weaknesses, we'll get a lot more out of our work.

                                 https://youtu.be/ojCXdzqMiQY?si=r4GyUgdBnahvhSHj

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[Mother Therapy] Types of people you meet at work

In your work, you'll meet a variety of people, some of whom you can positively influence and grow with, while others can be a constant source of conflict and hinder your growth. Some people even cause lasting damage to you. So what kind of people are you working with right now?

When you're working, no matter how clear your goals and direction, no matter how capable you are, there's a limit to how much you can do on your own, so you naturally realize that you can't do it all on your own, and you find people to work with.

The people you work with determine not only the outcome, but also the pace and direction of your work, so “who you work with” is a very important issue for success. I've categorized the people I encounter in my work into three main types.

The first is people you can grow with. It's a mutually beneficial relationship where you grow and they grow. It's a very positive and ideal relationship. If you have someone like that in your life, it's really important to keep that relationship alive and well, because you're helping each other grow.

The second one is someone who stunts your growth. Honestly, you want to avoid these people, right? But the reality is that you can't pick and choose who you want to be around. These people tend to tear you down out of envy or jealousy, or they tend to put you down, and it's easy to get stressed out and see them in a negative light, and when you see them in a negative light and pay attention to them, it's stressful and hurtful. It's a vicious cycle, and instead of seeing it as a negative thing, you can use it as an opportunity to reflect on yourself and say, “I must be doing something right,” because their envy and jealousy could be a sign that I'm doing something right. In other words, their negativity could be a reflection of my success. The important thing is to take care of yourself and not let the negative energy of these people get to you. Having your own way of dealing with stress and wounds can be very helpful!

The third type of person is someone who leads you in a wrong direction. These are the people you need to be careful of, as they often try to use you for their own gain. It would be nice to cut ties with these people completely, but sometimes that causes more problems. For example, they may attack you in other ways after you cut ties with them. So rather than cutting ties altogether, it may be wiser to keep a healthy distance from these people and engage with them only when necessary. This way, you can minimize the negative impact they can have on you.

In the end, in order to achieve any goal, you have to be careful and selective about who you surround yourself with. It's important to find people who can grow with you and cherish those relationships, while keeping the right amount of distance from those who have a negative impact on you, so that you don't lose your way. I think all of the above are conditions we cannot help facing at some point of our career to achieve greater growth.

                          https://youtu.be/jL1eVG53__Q?si=LzZCPppGBjv3le7w

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[Mother Therapy] A coworker who doesn't work well, should you just give up?

 

Most of us work with coworkers, but if they're doing their job not as well as you'd like, or if you wish they were more creative and enterprising but can't think outside the box, what do you do? Do you just let them do what they can do and be satisfied with that? Or do you say “enough is enough,” cheer them on, and let them go their separate ways?

The perfect employee or coworker is probably out there somewhere, but it's not easy to find, so instead of waiting for the perfect person, why not recognize the strengths and weaknesses of the people you have now, and work to align and grow with them?

As I mentioned earlier, if someone is doing their job but not doing it well, what if, instead of assuming that “they can't do the job,” you could help them get better at it, which in turn could improve their performance and the performance of your company or team?

For example, you might want to be clearer and more specific when communicating tasks, or show them samples of what you're looking for in advance. No one gets it right the first time, so you can build on each other's strengths and work on weaknesses with constant feedback and encouragement.

Many people think of learning new things or gaining experience as a way to improve their skills. But the process of teaching and leading others is also an important part of self-improvement, and it can help your company perform better and, in turn, strengthen your own career.

In order to work efficiently and harmoniously within an organization, you need to broaden your horizons and look at problems from different perspectives. This doesn't just apply to the workplace, it also applies to raising children at home: when children make a mistake or do something clumsy, instead of just judging them, you can guide them to learn from the experience, so that they can grow in their own way and you can grow with them.

Even if it's uncomfortable right now and there are no tangible results, we can see the potential for growth and work towards harmony for the success of everyone involved.

                            https://youtu.be/PqeC01D3DU0?si=1aayPs3C_Ze1ard8

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[Mother Therapy] How to Resolve Peacefully Without Yelling at Your Children

 

As your children reach middle or high school, you may be experiencing situations where your children are either silent in conversations or raise their voice at every turn. For example, when you want them to stop using their cell phone and start studying, what happens next when you yell, “You've been on your phone for hours! Turn it off and study!”? It is unlikely that your children will turn off the phone and start studying just because you yell at them.

Children may pretend that they didn't hear you and continue to look at the phone without responding, or they may grab their phone, go into the bathroom, close the door, and don't come out for a while, or they may whine, “I have already finished studying, mom, you don't even know,” but they haven't, and this makes you even angrier, and eventually, a second war starts between you and your child.

Adults or children, when they are forced to do something, people naturally tend to rebel. When you don't have autonomy and you're being controlled, you don't want to do what you were going to do in the first place. Your children may have been planning to stop looking at their phone and study, but their determination was interrupted by your pushy words.

If you ask them to turn off the phone, you've just reinforced their focus on the phone, which is why you need to make the transition by saying something else that doesn't involve the phone. For example, if you ask, “Can you help me sort the recycling?” or “Do you want a snack?”, they are more likely to put their phone down. Then, when you give them the freedom to choose, they'll make their own choices, they'll take responsibility for their choices, and they'll make progress.

So rather than ordering them to turn off their phones, try shifting their focus to something else, and then give them the freedom to choose. When you give them choices instead of commands, they're more likely to take responsibility and want to do something about it. Saying, “School is starting soon, so what plans do you have for the new semester?” can make them think of all the fun things they didn't think of, which can lead them to make their own plans and try to follow through. Giving your kids choices can be the first step toward better communication with them. 

                            https://youtu.be/lVSU3ssfqDM?si=mxrrqd6lty7YltLY

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[Mother Therapy] Strict vs. permissive, what's the best parenting method?

 

How do you parent your children? Are you strict in a coercive way? It's been said that strict and coercive parenting can have a negative impact on children because it stifles their autonomy and limits their expression, so some people believe that allowing children to do whatever they want can enhance their creativity and create a close relationship between parents and children, like a close friend. But is that really true?

Especially nowadays, when children are so precious and family life is so child-centered, many parents give in to their children's demands. But giving in to everything unconditionally can lead to other problems.

For example, if you allow your child to do whatever they want, they may not learn to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions, which can make it harder for them to be responsible later in life. People feel safer when they have certain rules and limits. Kids are no different. Having consistent rules makes things predictable, which reduces stress and anxiety about uncertainty, which makes them feel more secure and helps them grow up right.

Also, unconditional permission from parents can be confusing for children. For example, if a child wants to play video games all day and you give them full permission to do so, this can lead to problems with schoolwork and relationships with friends and teachers. The child may not understand what they've done wrong, which can lead to confusion.

The truth is, children need their parents' attention and guidance. If parents don't take any interest in their child's life, or don't know much about what they're doing, they may feel unimportant. This can have a negative impact on their sense of being, and even cause a rift in their relationship with their parents.

There are certain things that are important to remember when raising children, and one of them is balance: you need to be neither too strict nor too permissive. It's important to set rules for children and let them experience the positive consequences of following them. At the same time, parents can maintain a good relationship with their children and grow together if they listen to them, understand their feelings, and give them advice when necessary.

Ultimately, our children need to grow up to be adults who can take responsibility for their actions and behave appropriately in society, which requires following rules, discipline, and parental attention and guidance.

                         https://youtu.be/a2A2JL9e3Vg?si=jbvW-IYKEkOhngYa

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[Mother Therapy] How to ease conversations

 

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and had it turn awkward? Whether it's with a friend, family member, or coworker, we've all had the experience of having a conversation with someone and having it turn awkward. Let's take the example of a conversation between a mother and her teenage daughter.  

The topic of conversation was plans for the future, and the daughter was talking passionately about the direction she was thinking about taking, and the mother was listening and sharing some of her own thoughts. Sensing that things were getting awkward, the mother asked her daughter what was wrong, and she said, “Mom, I just wanted to talk to you about this and that, but you took it so seriously that I don't know if I should say more.”

So the mother said, “Was I too serious? Maybe I was thinking and talking only from my own perspective. Maybe you were uncomfortable.” They checked on each other's thoughts and feelings in the moment, and the mother explained the situation to her so she could understand, and then they were able to clear up the misunderstanding and get back to talking.

When we have conversations, we tend to think and express ourselves more from our own perspective than our partner's, but conversations are not just about exchanging words, so it's important to try to understand where the other person is coming from and what they're expecting. For example, when a close friend confides in you about a problem, she might not want your advice, but just want to be listened to and empathized with, and if you give her advice, the conversation won't go anywhere.

It's good to keep these two things in mind when you're having a conversation: one, be clear about what you really want to communicate and think about how you're going to express it, and two, try to understand where the other person is coming from when they're having this conversation.

Conversation is an important tool for us to communicate, understand, and develop relationships with others, but sometimes things get awkward or we say things that can be hurtful, and conversations don't always go smoothly, but we can learn from these experiences to do better and understand the other person more deeply.

Conflict in conversations, especially in intimate relationships, can lead to other difficulties, so remember and apply these tips the next time you have a conversation with someone close to you, and you'll have a richer conversation and a closer relationship.

                           https://youtu.be/qazyWzdFwnk?si=0QBYhoSDR7BBXee7

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[Mother Therapy] A woman before you were a mother

 

You know what? Mothers were women before they were mothers. So, knowing what constitutes a woman's happiness can help you a lot with whatever emotional or psychological challenges you're having right now. As we all know, people are divided into men and women. Not only do men and women look different, but they also have major differences in how they seek happiness.

First of all, men mainly pursue future happiness, so they set goals, work hard to achieve them, and feel positive and energized in the process. Hope and anticipation for the future is an important factor in happiness for men. For example, if your husband has had a tough day at work, he might enjoy a beer at home to unwind and find the energy to get back to work tomorrow. It's his future-oriented pursuit of happiness.

Women, on the other hand, are more concerned with present happiness, and transforming negative emotions into positive ones through the emotion of love is an important source of life energy for them. This doesn't mean that women don't think about the future at all, it's just that it's harder to think about the future if they are not happy in the present. The process of healing psychological wounds and turning them into positive emotions is what makes a woman happy. So in a marriage, the woman feels happy through the love of her husband as a man, and as a wife, she feels happy through giving love to her husband, and as a mother, she feels happy through giving love to her child.

After all, a mother is a woman before she is a mother. Understanding and respecting a woman's happiness will help you understand and address emotional difficulties or psychological issues a mother may be experiencing.

                               https://youtu.be/Pqcr_OkdTCg?si=fR1mh3rfzy6k4e69

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