Q. I am divorced but still living with my ex-husband since I can't afford to get a place for myself. My ex-husband also gives me living expenses and pocket money. I just stay at home and take care of my children. I don't know how long we will live like this, but I feel comfortable since I am not married to him anymore and I don't interact with him much. I have comfortable daily lives and I don't regret getting a divorce. It is OK to live this way? Will I have problems in the future? I don't think it is likely for us to get back together.
A. You say that you are comfortable, but are you truly happy? Is it happiness that you are satisfied with feeling comfort, taking care of children, and having no interest in your own love and happiness?
When you suffer from great pain and difficulties, you may feel as if comfort were happiness. You feel relatively more comfortable and happier when you are relieved from severe pain or difficulties to a certain degree. However, it is not happiness. Your present situation is that you are financially dependent on your ex-husband, who is not related with you any more. You seem to have got a divorce when you were not prepared for a divorce, so it is highly likely that you are not only financially but also psychologically dependent on you ex-husband.
Also, you seem to be self-justifying your actions by equating comfort with happiness. If you are not interested in happiness of your own life at all, you could live this way forever. You will be living only in comfort, which is the state of not feeling much of anything, all your lifetime. You are legally divorced but dependent on ex-husband for the most important components of your life : finance and psychology. It is also highly likely that you still have feelings toward your ex-husband, whether positive or negative and have deep wounds still operating inside you. You may be denying your feelings in the conscious and trying to concentrate on child rearing as a way of avoidance and compromise.
Then, what happens to your life and happiness as a woman and wife? Giving up your happiness as a woman and wife and only pursuing happiness as a mother cannot but lead you to unhappiness eventually. Also, your children may have to get the burden of having to take the responsibility for their mother's happiness when they become adults.
Belatedly but wisely, you must begin to get yourself prepared for a real divorce. You must transform your psychology into that of a divorced person and find ways to become independent financially and psychologically. You are the only person who can and must make efforts to achieve a happy life of yours.
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