Korea Institute of Psycho-education: 63. Mother Therapy

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Mother Therapy : https://www.mothertherapy.net

1/03/2024

[Mother Therapy] Preventing depression in children and teenagers

Hello, everyone. Depression occurs in women and girls more often than in men and boys since the mechanisms of depression are different in males and females. The following discussion applies to girls more than to boys. We all experience some degree of depressive feelings or lethargy during our life, but the symptoms usually don’t last long and we recover relatively easily, and we may repeat the process. However, when you cannot get out of depressive feelings for a long enough time, you may have developed the condition of depression.

We perceive external information through sensory organs such as vision, hearing, smell, touch, and taste. We store the information in our memory and we express our thoughts and emotions through speech, actions, and facial expressions based on information stored in memory and information perceived from outside.

We may feel good looking at a beautiful scenery and feel bad being criticized by someone. Perception of external information contributes to generating our moods at the moment. Feelings, which females carry and males mostly don’t, are generated based on memory rather than perception. Once you have accumulated excess negative feelings in memory, you may perceive every piece of information as being negative and develop depression.

Females accommodate stress and store it in memory in the form of wounds to be able to treat them later and generate feelings of happiness when wounds are treated. When they accumulate wounds in memory and cannot treat them properly, their unconscious decides to block perception and expression to protect them from further damage.

Children in the phase of adaptation to relationships experience difficulties when they cannot form or maintain good relationships with people well. When problems occur in relationships with parents, siblings, friends, and teachers, they may try to restore the relationship, but when they keep having difficulties, they may give up and choose to stay alone most of the time. They may become unresponsive and avoid interactions.

Parents and teachers should keep paying attention to these children and try to have a good relationship with them. Then, they will open up and begin to treat their wounds. What adults consider trivial may cause great stress and wounds in children, so adults should be sensitive and considerate in relationships with children in the phase of adaptation to relationships.

Differently from younger children, teenagers develop depression based on stress and wounds related with the mismatch of their own thought standards and other people’s thought standards. Teenagers are in the phase of formation of self-identity. They are in the process of developing diverse thought standards to be used in their adult life. They may develop depression when they continue to have conflicts with parents and other people due to different thought standards and when they cannot understand the situation rationally.

Teenagers have a limited number of thought standards since they have less life experiences than adults. They easily feel disappointed when the situation doesn’t accord with their limited thought standards. They may also develop depression when they don’t make enough expressions outwardly compared with the amount of perception, losing balance between perception and expression. They may express only inwardly and suppress outward expressions, and end up developing depression.

Children and teenagers are in the process of learning how to adapt themselves to relationships and forming self-identity through forming their own thought standards. They are affected by moods and feelings more easily than adults. Parents and teachers should carefully watch how children are doing and they should take measures to prevent or address the condition of depression before it progresses further. Especially, the primary caregiver can play an important role in preventing and reversing children’s depression by providing them with healthy attention. Also, teenagers themselves can learn about the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology for accurate understanding to protect themselves.

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Mother Therapy : https://www.mothertherapy.net/

12/27/2023

[Mother Therapy] The process of psychological development

The process of psychological development consists of 4 phases. The first is the phase of survival which usually lasts until the child is 5 years old. The goal of the child in this age range is to survive. They develop psychological problems when their condition of survival is threatened and they can be stabilized when the condition is restored. All parents know that they can soothe the baby by giving them food, changing diapers, or cuddling. From the baby's point of view, being fed and feeling comfortable is so important that they express their hunger and discomfort with all the strength it has.

The second is the phase of adaptation to relationship, which covers the age from 5 to 13 in general. They learn how to adapt themselves to human relationships. They learn how to form and manage relationships with people through interacting with parents, siblings, teachers, and friends. The psychology of boys and girls is operated differently in the phase of adaptation to relationship. Boys apply their own standard of right and wrong, and they generate positive moods in the right relationships and generate stress in the wrong relationships. Girls apply their own standard of like and dislike, and generate positive feelings in relationships with people they like and generate wounds in relationships with people they dislike. Children in this phase develop psychological problems when they have difficulties in relationships. The most important thing is to help them have a good relationship with the primary caregiver, and then, they can be led to learn how to manage other relationships.

The third is the phase of formation of self-identity, which covers the age from 13 to 19. Boys generate positive moods when the information they perceive suits their own thought standards and generate stress when it doesn't. Girls generate positive feelings when the information they perceive suits their own thought standards and generate wounds when it doesn't.

Children in this phase are in the process of forming thought standards. They try to understand every situation they encounter from their own point of view. They may develop problems and conflicts when the information they perceive doesn't suit their standards. Adults should help them to process the information in a rational way and help them build healthy thought standards.

The fourth is the phase of self-actualization, which covers from the age of 20 and on. They pursue self-actualization in diverse human relationships based on their thought standards they have formed during teenage years. They experience difficulties when they have problems in pursuing meanings and values of life.

Parents must accurately understand the process of psychological development of their children to help them grow with health and happiness. Children should learn how to manage relationships and form healthy thought standards through trials and errors. Since they are in the process of learning, which is their right, it is not right to have them take all the responsibility for their actions. Pursuing self-actualization as adults means pursuing meanings and values of life in harmony and order with other people. Adults make decisions on their own and take full responsibility for their actions.

Understanding the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology helps parents to adopt right parenting strategies and enjoy parenting coming one step closer to the happiness of parents and children. Parents should neither take control of nor neglect children, but provide the safe environment for children to grow making trials and errors on their own.

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Mother Therapy : https://www.mothertherapy.net/

7/05/2023

[Mother Therapy] Are you frustrated that your child never listens to you?

Are you frustrated that your child never listens to you? Are you trying hard to change your child's thoughts and behaviors? Do you sometimes feel that you are so tired of parenting and you want to stop parenting? In this case, you need to change your own thoughts and behaviors instead of changing your child.

You must accurately understand what healthy parenting is and adopt the right parenting strategies in daily interactions with your child to change the situation. Nothing changes when you just worry and complain about difficulties in parenting. It only aggravates your relationship with your child. You can maintain a good parent-child relationship and still achieve what you want in parenting for the happiness of yourself and your child. You must remember that you cannot change your child but you can change your perspective and your coping strategies with accurate understanding of the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology.

As you repeat adopting the right parenting strategies in daily life, you will realize that your child gradually and naturally listens to you and think and behave with healthy standards. You will also become to pay attention to your child in healthy ways. You will be able to deal with problems that occur in your child's life based on accurate understanding and stable psychology. You will have composure in every situation and protect yourself and your child in a safe environment.

Mother Therapy will guide you through the whole process. It will guide you to build firm and right standards and apply them in every unexpected situation in daily life. It will help you and your child build and maintain healthy psychology. You will know what to do to help your child grow in healthy ways physically and psychologically applying the right parenting strategies in unique ways to suit your and your child's life situations and personalities.

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Mother Therapy : https://www.mothertherapy.net/

4/19/2023

[Mother Therapy] Children and teenagers are in the process of forming habits.

The process of psychological development of children is the process of forming habits of psychology. Children form habits of survival, habits of thoughts and emotions, and habits of forming relationships. Emotions are generated and processed through perception, memory, and expression by the operation of mimind, and then, the result of the psychological operation is recognized in the conscious.

Children and teenagers take less time and effort to form habits of psychology than adults since they just need to form new habits starting from nothing. Habits formed before the age of 20 become their basic habits throughout their life. Adults already have formed habits of psychology, so they need to change habits rather than form new habits by taking more time and effort. Therefore, it is important to form healthy habits of psychology through trials and errors and diverse experiences during childhood and adolescence.

When children and teenagers are exposed to diverse experiences, problems are solved and become assets as they keep forming new habits. When they are forced to remove old habits instead of adding new habits, they may become to form distorted habits and suffer from psychological disorder. Please, remember that children and teenagers are in the process of forming habits of psychology and they should not be judged to have any fixated habit or any fixated psychological problem.

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Mother Therapy : https://www.mothertherapy.net/

4/12/2023

[Mother Therapy] How children and teenagers are different from adults.

Children and teenagers are in the process of developing psychology. Adults have rights and responsibilities and pursue self-actualization, but children and teenagers have only rights to be protected for healthy growth physically and psychologically. They make trials and errors and prepare themselves for their adulthood.

It is important for parents and teachers to understand that children and teenagers should accumulate knowledge and experiences in a safe environment to be able to pursue self-actualization as healthy adults in the future. It is not right to judge children and teenagers with the same standard they use for judging adults.

So many parents and adults judge children and teenagers applying their standards from their own knowledge and experience putting both children and themselves in difficult situations. Approaching problems related with children and teenagers based on adults' thought standards will not lead to solution but to the aggravation of the problem.

It is important for adults to accurately understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology and the developmental phases of children and teenagers. When they understand how children and teenagers mind and psychology operate differently from mind and psychology of adults, they can guide children and teenagers in the right direction without experiencing conflicts. They can help children and teenagers to be provided with what they really need for happiness and healthy growth.

Many adults focus on children's and teenager's responsibilities when problems occur since they don't understand how their mind and psychology operate differently from adults. Then, adults may even neglect or abuse children and teenagers thinking that they are doing the right things for children and teenagers.

Adults have finished the process of growth but children and teenagers are still in the process of growth. They are not pursuing self-actualization yet and they are not to be held responsibility for their trials and errors. All they have is the right to grow through trials and errors in a safe environment. Parents, teachers, and the whole society have the responsibility to provide children and teenagers with a safe environment. Adults must also help children and teenagers to build healthy habits of psychology so that they can pursue happiness in relationships with other people pursuing meanings and values of life as adults in the future.

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Mother Therapy : https://www.mothertherapy.net/

3/29/2023

[Mother Therapy] Parenting that brings you happiness

Every parent faces difficulties once in a while in the process of parenting. It is important to judge whether the difficulties are caused by parents' psychological problems instead of children's problems or other environmental problems. When you continuously feel that parenting is difficult, it is likely that you have psychological problems.

It is only natural that parents get confused and swayed when they face difficulties in parenting. However, parents will overcome difficulties eventually if they do their best to hold onto their standards firmly every time they face difficulties. Otherwise, not only children but also parents themselves may end up collapsing.

When parents cannot manage and control their own emotions, all the family members as well as children cannot but suffer from psychological problems. Parents who are psychologically insecure may display negative emotions such as anger, worry, and fear in spite of themselves or they may spend time only pursuing their own pleasure and comfort. In this situation, children are the ones who are damaged the most and deprived of the opportunity for healthy development.

Parents must check for their own psychological condition to be able to deal with difficulties in parenting and provide healthy environment for children. They need to develop healthy thought standards and learn about adequate parenting strategies. You can and must turn a difficult time in parenting into an opportunity to build happiness of both parents and children. Mother Therapy and Father Therapy will guide you to maneuver in the right direction in parenting. You will learn how parenting can bring you happiness instead of difficulties.

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Mother Therapy : https://www.mothertherapy.net/

2/01/2023

[Mother Therapy] Why parents' psychological problems must not be neglected.

Children have the right to be protected by parents physically and psychologically and grow with healthy body and mind. When parents develop psychological problems, children cannot be protected and reared for healthy growth and they lose the right of children. Not only are they neglected, but also do they develop psychological problems passed down from their parents.

When parents do not solve their own psychological problems and neglect them, their children lose the opportunity to grow with healthy body and mind, and they end up experiencing difficulties as adults. Many people believe that children are responsible for their own problems, but parents are the ones who are responsible for making children grow with psychological problems. If parents have psychological problems, they must hurry to solve them and treat their condition to be able to protect children and provide safe and nurturing environments for children. Otherwise, both parents and children end up living unhappy lives.

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Mother Therapy : https://www.mothertherapy.net/

1/18/2023

[Mother Therapy] Children with self-respect for parents with self-respect

You as parents may try to build the sense of self-respect in your children. However, it is hard for children develop the sense of self-respect when parents don't have self-respect. To be able to have the sense of self-respect, you must be able to put your own emotions at the center. It doesn't mean that you will do anything as you want. It is more like admitting yourself as well as others. Then, you can interact with people comfortably respecting each other's point of view. That is, you have the composure to be able to listen to other people.

When parents have the sense of self-respect, they can interact with children comfortably listening to their children's point of view and sharing thoughts and feelings. Also, parents with the sense of self-respect will not force their own ideas and ways of doing things. They can interact with mutual understanding, which in turn develops the sense of self-respect in children.

Parents who don't have the sense of self-respect may not listen to their children and force their ideas, which is a form of repression of children. Children who are repressed by their parents cannot develop the sense of self-respect or the sense of confidence. Parents who repress children have not the sense of self-respect but a lot of confidence. Children who cannot develop the sense of self-respect do not harm other people at least, but parents who have only confidence without self-respect inflict damage on other people. They will only try to make children and all other people comply with their own way of thinking and doing.

The sense of self-respect is based on feelings in mimnd, and the sense of confidence is based on moods in mimind. When parents apply moods instead of feelings activating only the sense of confidence, parenting becomes inconsistent depending on the moment's moods causing children develop confusion and psychological instability. It is crucial for parents to accurately understand the difference between self-respect and confidence and analyze their own psychological condition.

Mother Therapy : https://www.mothertherapy.net/

12/14/2022

[Mother Therapy] How to help your adult children overcome a difficult time.

Parents want to help their children even when children become adults. Parents who identify themselves with children may even perceive children's difficulties as their own. They may try to give advice to their children but it doesn't seem to help children that much. Then, what can you do?

First of all, parents must understand that children have their own thought standards from their unique life experiences. Parents also have their own thought standards from their unique life experiences. Thought standards of parents' and children's are necessarily different, so parents' well intended advice may not help children overcome the difficulties. It is important to admit that adult children are completely independent and separate human beings from parents even though they were reared by parents for almost 20 years.

All human beings go through difficulties in relationships when people's thought standards conflict in relationships. Especially, when you get immersed in your own thought, you are highly likely to develop distorted ideas. When negative ideas become your thought standards, you will perceive and judge everything based on the distorted and negative thought standards. When your children already have developed distorted thought standards, your loving care and advice may be perceived as a negative one, which will only make your relationship with children worsen.

It is not parents' advice or guidance that can help adult children who are going through a difficult time. It is to provide an environment where they can overcome their difficulties on their own. That is, parents can help children have stable psychology instead of providing specific advice on what to do. When we can think and judge in the right way based on healthy psychology, we can view our problems objectively with reason. Then, we can also make use of good advice from other people including parents. Unstable psychology only leads to growing stress and wounds in anyone.

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Mother Therapy : https://www.mothertherapy.net/

9/28/2022

[Mother Therapy] How to raise your child's sense of self-respect

Every parent knows that their children need to build the sense of self-respect to live a happy life. They may try to help children build the sense of self-respect in diverse ways. They may listen to lectures, read books, and get counseling to do so. However, it is a different matter to apply their knowledge during daily life. It is because they are missing the fundamental element.

Parents know the importance of self-respect and they pay attention to children acknowledging children's existence with love and affection. However, not many people know that parents need their own stabilized psychological condition to be able to apply all their knowledge and information in an effective way.

When parents have psychological problems, it is impossible to pay attention and give love to children in a healthy way. They may pay attention to children but only in distorted ways usually focusing on the superficial and visible phenomena. For example, it is well known that parents must accept children as they are without judgment. However, parents with psychological problems cannot accept children as they are. They may consciously think that they are being good parents, but their distorted psychology leads their distorted habits of perception to be projected in perceiving their children's behaviors. They may accept their children as they are only when certain conditions are satisfied based on their own standards.

When parents accept children's existence as they are, children will be able to build the sense of self-respect more easily and comfortably. When children are demanded to live up to parents' expectation, it is equivalent to being forced to live with their parents' standards instead of their own standards. When a child is born, the only wish most parents make is for the child to grow healthy and parents accept the existence of the child. However, when parents have psychological problems and leave them unsolved and untreated, parent's problems affect children negatively. That is, parents cannot look at children with composedness in mind.

Children who are accepted as they are by their parents will easily build the sense of self-respect. They know that parents always accept them and support them under any circumstance. It is important to examine whether parents have healthy psychology to be able to help children build the sense of self-respect. If parents have psychological problems, they must solve problems or treat their condition first. Parents' psychological problems keep being activated to affect children's psychology negatively unless properly treated causing unhappiness for both parents and children.