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4. Xes Therapy(The Revolutionary Treatment Method of Sexual Dysfunction)
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We live our lives in so many relationships with stress and wounds. What if I fall behind? What if I collapse? It is our reality that we make endless efforts everyday, but we still cannot rid ourselves of anxiety and nervousness.
There are instances when we feel disappointed and frustrated as things do not match our standards of happiness while pursuing happiness. We end up living unhappy lives even when actually pursuing happy lives. We must understand that the degree of happiness decreases as much as we pursue it.
It is never wrong to remember the feelings of wounds such as sadness, anxiety, and frustration. Temporarily creating good feelings to avoid wounds is never true happiness. We must understand that the wounds inside us create happiness in our lives.
Each individual's happiness is necessarily as different as the life each individual has been leading. It is only him or herself who feels his or her own happiness. Accordingly, Korea Institute of Psycho-education does not uniformly teach people how to become happy, but enables each individual to develop the ability to create happiness in his or her life.
Each one of us can create happiness for ourselves through accurately understanding the mind and psychology of human beings. Happiness cannot exist without the wounds of all sorts of human emotions, and we can first understand our wounds, treat them, and then create happiness in life.
Korea Institute of Psycho-education will continue constant efforts in research and education by instructing the principles of the operation of human mind and psychology to help all people create their own happiness.
Director of Korea Institute of Psycho-education
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The modern lifestyle burdens people with conflicts stemming from stress and wounds in the mind. People make various efforts to resolve conflicts, but the problems of human relationships continue to expand. It is imperative that we speculate on the issue of conflicts and research the methods of healing in this reality of so many efforts failing to solve the problem.
First, we must reflect on whether we feel we are being healed when actually we are in the process of 'killing' our mind. There is a clear difference between the healing for a temporary diversion or refreshment and the healing for treating the wounds of mind. It can be a 'killing' to treat the wounds when a diversion is needed, and to divert or refresh oneself when a treatment is needed.
Most lectures, training courses, broadcasting programs, counseling sessions, speeches, and books are healing for a temporary diversion. A number of experts have studied on the methods of healing of the wounds in the mind, but have only developed the methods of diversion and refreshment without the treatment of the hurt feelings. When a person who needs to be treated for wounds in the mind is continuously exposed to diversion and refreshment, he or she suffers from a serious psychological crisis or pursues only pleasure and enjoyment.
Many experts give lectures, provide training courses, and make speeches trying to heal people through wise sayings, maxims, and pleasant and good words. They might make one feel good at the moment, but they could be the worst thing for one's mind and psychology. 'A good thing is not always a good thing' and it must be borne in mind that psychological problems can be caused by not clearly distinguishing between the right and wrong things to do.
Some experts are convinced that their methods are healing people without understanding whether what they say is for healing or for 'killing'. There are also many people who face worse psychological difficulties, or become pleasure seekers without knowing whether what they do and think is for healing or for 'killing' . Thus, it seems urgent that the principles of the operation of the human mind and psychology be known to as many people as possible, experts or not.
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We use the concept of conflict a lot, but do not seem to understand it accurately. To have a conflict, there must exist two parties, and these two parties must oppose each other. Each case of conflicts take different forms and manifestations, but the reason for conflicts is singular. People have conflicts because they have different standards of thoughts. Two standards of thoughts can apply in human relationships and conflicts. One is that we recognize and accept that our standards are different from those of the other party, and do not apply our standards to the other party. The other is that we believe our standards are the right ones and the other standards are wrong, and apply our standards to the other party.
It is natural that we apply our standards of thoughts when we get involved in a human relationship. We tend to think about how our standards apply to others, but do not consider the standards of others, thereby matching and judging in terms of our standards. We know that people are all different, but apply our thought standards unconsciously. This is why conflicts occur.
Women tend to perceive that the other party does not like them when they have conflicts in relationships. Men tend to perceive conflicts as stress. These negative feelings lead to the idea that the other party is wrong, and disputes and discords begin to form. People do not recognize this process of developing conflicts.
It is also natural that we see conflicts more often among people in close and loving relationships. There are many fewer chances for conflicts among people who are not interested in one another. Think about who you have the most conflicts with. There must be many conflicts in a marriage relationship. Differences in personalities are blamed to cause conflicts in married couples, but they are what make people get married in the first place when positively operating, and what causes conflicts when negatively operating.
Then, are personality differences good or bad? Differences in personalities are necessary and essential to generate happiness in human life. Therefore, conflicts are not something to avoid or reject. Having conflicts does not mean that the other party does not like us, but, on the contrary, means that we care about each other and we only have different thought standards.
Sometimes, parents impose their thought standards on their children in child rearing. Parents automatically think that their standards are the right ones, but they are different from those of their children. The differences in the thought standards of parents and children may cause conflicts. Parents impose their standards on their children only because they are greatly concerned with the well-being of their children. Most troubles in teenagers seen in present days are caused by parent-child conflicts. Conflicts are not resolved but only get worse since the cause of conflicts are not accurately understood, despite the fact that they are in the most loving relationship.
Having serious conflicts means they love each other as much. Stress and hurt feelings in human relationships come from conflicts. Unresolved conflicts can be a poison for emotional health, but resolved conflicts are the cure for emotion. Poisonous conflicts can be converted to cures and happiness.
There are two cases of the absence of conflicts. One is when the parties involved do not care about each other, and the other case is when one of the two parties does not express feelings but suppresses them. We can reflect on which one would be better between life without conflicts, or life with conflicts. It may be up to each person to decide, but it is suggested that loving and having conflicts are more desirable than living with indifference. It is only that women feel heart broken and men feel stressed, and it leads to troubled relationships due to lack of the accurate understanding of conflicts.
Any human relationship without conflicts is an indicator of indifference. Indifference is much more harmful that conflicts. The indifference of family members is a major reason for teenagers running away from home. Parents are so busy that they cannot even spare time to scold their children, which means they are not interested in how the children are doing. Some parents do not scold their children, not because children are perfect, but because they do not care.
Suppose the child is 15 years old and the parent is 45 years old. It is simply impossible that the parent should have the same thought standards as the child. They must be completely different. The parent has a false idea when he or she thinks that the 15 year-old-child will do things with the thought standards of a 45 year-old-parent. Therefore, parents should give attention to children and should be able to admit that their thought standards are very different.
One's standards of thoughts are formed by the accumulation of one's memories throughout his or her lifetime. Men and women have different patterns of storing memories and forming thoughts in addition to individual differences. Troubles begin with each person having different thoughts and guessing what others would think. They guess and reason that others would definitely think 'A' because they themselves think 'A'. There is little chance that this idea is proven right. Imposing one's thought standards will only cause disputes and discords and lead to conflicts.
Although one's standards of thoughts are owned by only one person in the whole world, we believe that others should have the same standards. A husband has his own thought standards, and a wife her own. A parent has his or her own thought standards, and a child his or her own. People have conflicts since they are convinced that their thought standards are clearly right and others' are wrong.
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Any human being has the body and the mind. When humans die, the body and the mind disappear, and they can neither perceive nor express things. Both consciousness and unconsciousness disappear when the mind disappears. The fact that we exist in reality means that we are alive. Being alive enables us to read this article, eat, sleep, study, work and do activities. Everyone including a new-born baby and an old man facing impending death is alive. Any living person has the body and the mind. Any living mind consists of consciousness and unconsciousness, and perceives, expresses, and remembers.
No one is without thoughts. Thoughts represent the mind. The mind consists of consciousness and unconsciousness, and what one feels and thinks is his or her mind. It is only that person who feels his or her thoughts and feelings. He or she cannot know what the other party thinks and feels. He or she can only guess the other's thoughts and feelings by perceiving the expressions of the other's speeches, actions, and facial expressions. Every one has and feels their own memories and thoughts. It has nothing to do with others' thoughts, feelings, and memories.
A 'person' means a being that exists alone without being related to other people. A 'person in relationships' (PIR) means a being that exists with other people, forming human relationships. When two people form a relationship, each one becomes a PIR. Human beings are considered to be social only when they are in relationships. A person can exist without being social. There is no need for a society when a person lives at home, on an island, or in the mountain by oneself. A person has the right to exist with freedom, and it equally applies to everyone who exists by oneself. A person has the right to do anything as he or she intends and wants to.
However, when a person lives as a PIR, he or she exists with other people and in a society. Order and harmony should naturally follow when people live in relationships in a society. Order and harmony are constructed by social customs, morals, ethics, and laws. Each person has the right for freedom and equality, but order and harmony are necessary for people to coexist forming relationships. Order may be destroyed, harmony may be lost, the society may fall into confusion, and people may not live as PIRs when each person claims one's own right of freedom and equality.
Order and harmony form the basis on which people live in happiness as PIRs, thereby allowing people to pursue happiness and self-realization along with the meaning and value of life. A person only needs to pursue one's own happiness, but a PIR pursues happiness together forming relationships. Then, one exists as a person and, at the same time, pursues the meaning and value of the existence as a PIR, which is the self-realization of a human being. Humans establish homes, societies, and states for this self-realization of human beings.
Pursuing self-realization is to live in happiness as a PIR. Self-realization takes two forms: meaning and value. Meaning comes from the feelings of happiness, and value comes from the mood with the anticipation of future happiness. People sometimes pursue the meaning of life to have the feelings of happiness, and sometimes pursue the value of life expecting happiness in the future.
Meaning involves the feelings of happiness, and value generally involves mood with the anticipation of future happiness in pursuit of one of the three values: economic, relational, and social. In the process of self-realization, people concede part of their rights of freedom and equality as a person, and fulfill the meaning and value of life to be happy together as PIRs.
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A conflict means that one's meaning and value clash or collide with those of others in the process of self-realization. The meaning and value pursued are necessarily different among people, but one thinks the meaning and value of others are wrong, and then, conflicts occur. One's thoughts are exclusively his or her own and others' thoughts are exclusively theirs. No two people share the meaning and value of life.
People have their own thought standards when they fulfill their meaning and value of life, and no one shares his or her thought standards with others. They are the thought standards owned by only one person in the whole world.
We all know that our thought standards and those of others are different, but when their thought standards are actually applied, the thought standards of others are not perceived to be different but perceived to be wrong. It is a phenomenon manifested in the process of the application of thought standards. When we live in human relationships as PIRs, there are many cases where people regard the mismatch of the thought standards as others' fault, which leads to clashes and collisions, and eventually conflicts.
Also, clashes and collisions do not occur when one is not in a relationship with or interested in the other party, since one does not apply his or her thought standards and perceives the other perty's thought standards to be simply different. Therefore, conflicts cannot help but occur in human relationships accompanying mutual interests and concerns.
When conflicts occur in a relationship accompanying mutual interests, men feel stress and women feel wounds. It means that conflicts are unavoidable with someone who you love and you care about.
Conflicts are generated by one's own thought standards. We are convinced of our thought standards based on our own memories. We judge and decide on things based on our thought standards. We are also convinced that others must have the same thought standards, and therefore, others must be this or that, which is perceived to be right but is clearly wrong. Thus, conflicts occur when neither party has done anything wrong, but both are convinced otherwise, and argue that the other party is wrong.
Similarly, we ourselves create conflicts. They are formed by our own thought standards. Breaking harmony and order in human relationships with different thought standards leads to conflicts. Of course, everyone has the right to pursue their own happiness as an individual. At the same time, we have the responsibility to pursue the meaning and value of life together with other people, as people in relationships. The self-realization as PIRs is the responsibility when living together with other people. Thus, we live with the right as individuals and with the responsibility as people in relationships, pursuing self-realization.
We must know that the thought standards of ours and others' are different when we pursue self-realization. This is understanding, and understanding forms the basis of healing ourselves. We should first know about our own thought standards and then those of others', if we care about others and want to understand the differences in people's thought standards.
Conflicts occur when we guess from the other's expressions based on our own thought standards without knowing the other's thought standards. We are convinced that our thought must be right because they have expressed themselves this way or that way. The probability for this guess to be right is less than 10%, but we are 100% sure about our guess. The closer and the more loving the relationship is, the lower the probability that the guess is right is, less than 1% in most cases. It is less than 0.01% in a family relationship. It is less than 10% in a business relationship or a purposeful relationship. The probability of correctly guessing others' thought standards will rarely be over 10% even when one has outstanding intellectual abilities.
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In a married-couple conflict, the husband is a man and the wife is a woman. The husband and the wife have different memories and different thought standards. When they apply their own thought standards, they think that the other does not love his or her spouse. They feel that they can understand everyone but their spouse, which cannot be true since they have not applied their thought standards to other people in a close and loving relationship.
In the past, people tolerated each other attending their family duties and caring for children even when conflicts continued, but in modern society, people are driven to have divorces, claiming and pursuing stronger individuals' thought standards. When we diagnose the causes of a married-couple conflict, we find in many cases that the husband and the wife talk with their own thought standards. The thought standards are formed from the person's memories, and no third party is in a position to judge their truthfulness. Conflicts only get aggravated since both parties judge the truthfulness of the other party's thought standards based on their own thought standards only, even when desperately seeking to resolve the conflicts.
The causes of the conflicts need not be known when resolving conflicts. People can resolve the conflicts themselves, only if they are informed that conflicts occur since they are in a close and loving relationship and have great concern for each other. Conflicts occur when we do not admit that everyone has different thought standards. The wife assumes that the husband should have the same thought standards as hers, and vice versa.
For example, suppose that the husband comes back home tired, and wants to quietly watch TV. On the other hand, the wife has been alone all day, and wants to talk with her husband as he has finally come home. The husband wants some rest, but the wife wants to talk, and conflicts occur since they do not admit that they have different thought standards. Who's fault is it in this case, the husband's or the wife's? It is no one's fault, but conflicts occur only because they do not understand the differences in thought standards. There exists no one person who shares the same thought standards as ours and conflicts occur only in a close and loving relationship, where there is great concern for each other.
When the husband imposes his thought standards on his wife, it is to force her to live by his thought standards, not hers. It is almost as if he wanted his wife to become a man like him, pursuing the same things in life as he does. Of course, the wife cannot and would not be imposed the husband's thought standards since she is a woman with her own memories and thought standards. The same logic applies when the wife imposes her thought standards on her husband. Conflicts cannot help but continue as long as both parties try to force the other party to change their thought standards.
When a man and a woman are in a courting relationship, they are not considered to be in a relationship pursuing self-realization together. They pursue only their own happiness as individuals when in a courting relationship. Thus, the man shows interests and cares about the woman for his pleasure and passion, and the woman continues the relationship to feel loved and cared about. However, when they are in a marriage relationship, the wife and the husband share the goal of pursuing the common self-realization rather than their own happiness as individuals, and along the way, they have greater interest and concern for each other and try to apply their thought standards to the other party.
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Conflicts in the parent-child relationship occur when the thought standards of parents and children clash. No one is to blame for the conflicts in these cases, but troubles are caused by assuming right or wrong about the conflict situation. Various psychological counseling sessions, lectures in humanities, training programs in psychology and mind, and sermons mostly assume parties involved to be right or wrong.
In case of a counseling session dealing with a conflict situation, the counselor might apply his or her thought standards rather than those of the parents and the children, thereby necessarily resulting in judging either party to be in the wrong. It also means that the third party is not in the position to mention or argue for or against the truthfulness of the thought standards of the parents or the children.
Couples, parents and children, family members, friends, and acquaintances without conflicts indicate suppression or indifference. Interests and attention necessarily bring about conflicts, and conflicts in these cases are generated not by the other party's fault or wrongdoing but only by one's own thought standards.
Both the thought standards of parents and children are right, and they are only different from each other. Conflicts can be resolved when accepting the differences. This is the healing of conflicts. It is commonly seen that counselors apply their thought standards based on their expert knowledge in counseling and psychology, evaluate the thought standards of the parents and the children, and judge either side to be right or wrong. Such counselors may have specialized knowledge, but not knowing the principles of the working of the human psychology and mind, may not be capable of properly helping resolve conflicts.
There are cases of children without their own thought standards formed yet. They might listen to their parents and do as they are told since their self identity has not formed yet. If they keep staying in the state of allowing the parents' thought standards to maneuver their lives too long, they might have difficulty forming their own self identity.
When parents apply their thought standards and children apply theirs, confrontations and clashes occur leading to conflict situations. Forcing the parents' thought standards on their children is the same as forcing children to discard their own memories and thought standards and to live their lives by the parents' memories and thought standards.
Suppose that parents have a thought standard that this way or that way brings about happiness in life. This thought standard is one formed by the lifelong memories and experiences of the parents and the probability of this thought standard matching the child's memories and experiences is close to zero.
Troubles are to follow when children live by their parents' thought standards. On the other hand, children living by their own thought standards can form a healthy self-identity. Therefore, it is recommended that parents guide children on how to form their own thought standards rather than apply and impose the thought standards of theirs.
Who is at fault in a conflict situation, the parent or the child? Of course, no one is at fault. It is only that both parties simply apply their thought standards, but sometimes, not knowing the causes of conflicts cost both parties too much, ironically resulting in a long period of deep suffering in a loving relationship.
Different thought standards also cause adolescent defiance. Teenagers cannot tolerate the pressure of the parents imposing the thought standards different from those of the children, and they feel lost and wander about with confrontations and clashes. Teenagers begin to develop self-identity when they are about 13 years old, when adolescent defiance also begins to occur. These days, the starting age of the adolescent defiance is getting younger and younger due to the increase in the amount of memories, following the increased knowledge education in early childhood. Earlier knowledge education leads to earlier formation of thought standards and then even younger children begin to apply their own thought standards in life, making conflicts with teachers and parents deepen.
We should celebrate that children have formed their own thought standards rather than assume their thought standards are wrong or immature. Conflicts occur since adults do not accept children's thought standards, and, in turn, children do not accept adults' thought standards. No one is at fault, but conflicts continue, and even become a serious social issue.
Conflicts occur since both adults and children do not know that they have different thought standards. Men's and women's mind work differently, and every person has unique memories and thought standards.
Forcing parents' thought standards on children is like forcing them to live a lesser life, by not allowing them to accumulate their own memories and form their own thought standards.
Parents must respect children's thought standards. When children express and argue for their own ideas, it is something to celebrate rather than something to judge as right or wrong by the parents' thought standards. Children should be informed that their thought standards will equip and enable them to pursue their self-realization, and that pursuing their self-realization is to pursue happiness in human relationships. Then, children will begin to learn to control their thought standards.
Parents might believe that they have the right to rear children, but they only have the duty to nourish children. The major duty as parents is to help children form healthy thought standards and live a fulfilling life pursuing their self-realization as people in relationships. Parents have no right to manipulate children's thought standards.
On the other hand, children have the right to form healthy self-identity before they reach adulthood. Parents should not repress or interfere with children's right to form self-identity. Children will have difficulty pursuing their self-realization in the adulthood without their own self-identity.
If children can get angry and upset about the parents' thought standards, parents should celebrate first before arguing about being right or wrong. Parents can be happy for their children having their own thought standards, and help children develop their self-identity talking about whether their thought standards are right or wrong. Children may have stress and wounds when their thought standards do not match those of their parents'. It is not that the parents are wrong or the children are wrong, but that neither the parents nor the children knew about the principles of the operation of the mind and psychology. Now, parents can inform children of this concept, and help them establish proper thought standards and develop healthy self-identity.
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When a mother and a daughter have conflicts, the mother has her own thought standards for her self-realization and the daughter has her own. Conflicts occur since the mother insists on her own thought standards and the daughter insists on hers.
The mother thinks that the daughter's thought standards are wrong based on her thought standards, and the daughter thinks that the mother's thought standards are wrong. The daughter is assumed to be wrong from the mother's point of view, and the mother is assumed to be wring from the daughter's point of view. In spite of both parties having great concern for each other, conflicts occur thinking that the other's thought standards are wrong.
Suppose that the mother imposes her thought standards on the daughter, and the daughter accepts the mother's thought standards. Then, will the daughter pursue her own self-realization or the mother's self-realization? The daughter will end up living not her own life but her mother's life. It is the same as the mother repressing the daughter's value and meaning of life, and the daughter loses her own value and meaning of life. Whether this is what the mother wants or the daughter wants is a question to be asked and reflected upon.
The causes of conflicts in the mother-daughter relationship are in the differences in the thought standards. The parties involved insist on their own thought standards and blame each other for the conflicts. None of the involved parties are at fault, but conflicts obstruct them from pursuing their self-realization since they do not know the causes of conflicts.
We can understand that no one is to blame in a conflict situation, and that the mother and the daughter do not know that no one in the whole world has the same thought standards. Conflicts can continue for life when this is not known and not understood.
When the mother claims her right to impose her thought standards on the daughter, the daughter cannot but live by the mother's thought standards, deprived of her right as an independent individual. Then, she will live an unhappy life not being able to pursue her own self-realization.
The thought standards for self-realization must not be imposed on others. The thought standards of one person are formed only by that person based on only the person's memories, and the same thought standards do not exist in the whole world. These thought standards enable people to have the right to pursue their self-realization, forming various human relationships with the duty of harmony and order. This is the principle of human life with rights and duties, and it applies to everyone from children to the elderly.
The mother can be happy for her daughter, knowing that the daughter has her own thought standards as a person in relationships. Then, the conflicts will be resolved and the wounds will heal.
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Both the mother and the daughter-in-law are convinced that their own thought standards are right and then confrontations and clashes occur. They both have great interest in each other, and apply their thought standards to the other party. The daughter-in-law will be hurt by the imposition of the thought standards of the mother-in-law and vice versa. Repeated instances of hurting and being hurt will result in conflicts. The more they care about each other, the deeper conflicts they have.
Whose fault has caused the conflicts, the mother-in-law's or the daughter-in-law's? The only fault is that they have applied their thought standards, and conflicts have occurred only because they feel close to and are concerned with each other.
The mother-in-law has the thought standards as a mother of her son. The daughter-in-law has her own thought standards as the wife of her husband. Would the husband be able to mediate between the two people as a son and a husband? The attempts on the part of the husband to resolve the conflicts will only aggravate the situation, since the conflicts between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law have nothing to do with the husband and son.
The mother-in-law imposes her thought standards on the daughter-in-law, and demands that the daughter-in-law treat her husband as a son. Of course, the daughter-in-law would treat her husband as a husband, and not as a son. The daughter-in-law might also impose her thought standards on the mother-in-law and expect the mother-in-law to treat her son as a husband and not as a son.
The mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law must accept that they have different thought standards. The mother-in-law should accept that her son is the daughter-in-law's husband and, the daughter-in-law should accept that her husband is the mother-in-law's son. Accepting the differences in thought standards will resolve the conflicts and generate the feelings of happiness, but conflicts will continue and deepen when the causes of the conflicts are unknown.
Arguing about the truthfulness of the thought standards of the parties involved leads to blaming one of them for being wrong. However, it is no one's fault when they accept that everyone has different thought standards in the first place.
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The causes of conflicts come from the concern with the other party. Conflicts do not occur when people are not concerned about each other. The concern comes from the desire to be happy together in a relationship. Conflicts can be resolved when we remind ourselves that the other party has his or her own thought standards, and they are different from ours. The other party can be also freed from stress and wounds when they are informed of the differences of thought standards.
People care more about others when conflicts are resolved. Wounds heal and the feelings of happiness are generated for women. Positive moods are generated for men, and they show more concern for women. Conflicts should not be avoided since avoidance will lead to indifference and suppression of feelings. Conflicts can be resolved by reflecting on the causes of conflicts, and informing the other party of the causes of conflicts will also heal their wounds.
The ideal way of resolving conflicts is to make the awareness of the differences in thought standards into a pattern of unconsciousness. Then, one will unconsciously perceive that the other party has different thought standards at the moment of confrontations and clashes leading to conflict situations. Forming the concept into a pattern of unconsciousness will take time and effort.
Another method is to write a journal to reflect on whether or not we have judged the other party's behavior based on our own thought standards, and have concluded that the other party is wrong. Through this reflection, we can analyze whether we have contributed to the other party's stress and wounds. This method helps heal the stress and wounds of both parties.
Most of all, the resolution of conflicts begins from first knowing that people have different thought standards, and that they are concerned with and care about each other. We can let others know this to help them heal themselves. These methods of resolving conflicts can be applied in all conflict situations occurring in all human relationships including married couples, mothers and daughters-in-law, family members, parents and children, friends, and coworkers.
Those involved in conflicts should know that no one is at fault. We remember what the other party has expressed and the other party remembers what we have expressed. Thus, we can learn how both parties have perceived the other party and have expressed themselves by recording what each party has expressed.
The scale and the size of the conflicts indicate that they have the same scale and the same size of the concern about each other. It means they are healthy human beings in a healthy and loving relationship. They have conflicts only because they do not know that everyone has different thought standards. Knowing that no one is at fault makes the conflicts disappear. In other words, accepting that the other party has different thought standards from ours resolves conflicts.
Being right or wrong should not be argued about in a conflict situation. The point is not that others' thought standards are right or wrong, but that people have different thought standards, and arguing about being right or wrong will never lead to resolving conflicts. Making mistakes should not be blamed for doing something wrong. The concept of being right or wrong divides those involved into an assailant and a victim, and accuses either party of being wrong. Arguing about being right or wrong in a mother-daughter conflict situation means that the mother wants her daughter to be wrong, and the daughter wants her mother to be wrong. The same logic applies to all other relationships. Conflicts are not to be considered something undesirable, but rather the root for generating happiness, in the sense that resolving conflicts applying the principles of the working of human mind and psychology can have healing effects in human relationships.
All humans are under the same principles of the operation of the mind and psychology, but only the psychology of perception and expression are different. People have different and unique thought standards, and no one is wrong for having his or her own thought standards. Humans only make mistakes and do not do wrong.
We have done nothing wrong when conflicts have occurred. Everyone does their best for self-realization in life. No one aims for second-best, but one should take the responsibility when their doing their best violates the harmony and order of society. Living a life is to keep the balance between rights and duties. If we were to pursue only our own happiness without either rights or duties, we may live and exist as a person not forming any relationships. When a person pursues only his or her own freedom, the balance for harmony and order is breached, making self-realization impossible to be pursued. Then, the meaning of self-realization will be completely lost, since self-realization without harmony and order is already one distorted and morbid. This is called psychological disorder.
Everyone has the same principles of the operation of the mind and psychology. Even famed intellectuals and experts in all fields suffer from conflicts. When the principles of the operation of the mind and psychology are accurately understood, these principles can be applied in conflict situations to heal stress and wounds of both ourselves and theirs, thereby resolving conflicts.
We hope that you will apply the principles introduced in this guidebook when a conflict situation makes you feel angry and annoyed. You will find that stress and wounds will heal by themselves. Now you know the principles of the operation of the mind and psychology, and how to resolve conflicts. You can apply these to your loved ones, close friends, and acquaintances and then, the feelings of happiness will be generated.
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