In a married-couple conflict, the husband is a man and the wife is a woman. The husband and the wife have different memories and different thought standards. When they apply their own thought standards, they think that the other does not love his or her spouse. They feel that they can understand everyone but their spouse, which cannot be true since they have not applied their thought standards to other people in a close and loving relationship.
In the past, people tolerated each other attending their family duties and caring for children even when conflicts continued, but in modern society, people are driven to have divorces, claiming and pursuing stronger individuals' thought standards. When we diagnose the causes of a married-couple conflict, we find in many cases that the husband and the wife talk with their own thought standards. The thought standards are formed from the person's memories, and no third party is in a position to judge their truthfulness. Conflicts only get aggravated since both parties judge the truthfulness of the other party's thought standards based on their own thought standards only, even when desperately seeking to resolve the conflicts.
The causes of the conflicts need not be known when resolving conflicts. People can resolve the conflicts themselves, only if they are informed that conflicts occur since they are in a close and loving relationship and have great concern for each other. Conflicts occur when we do not admit that everyone has different thought standards. The wife assumes that the husband should have the same thought standards as hers, and vice versa.
For example, suppose that the husband comes back home tired, and wants to quietly watch TV. On the other hand, the wife has been alone all day, and wants to talk with her husband as he has finally come home. The husband wants some rest, but the wife wants to talk, and conflicts occur since they do not admit that they have different thought standards. Who's fault is it in this case, the husband's or the wife's? It is no one's fault, but conflicts occur only because they do not understand the differences in thought standards. There exists no one person who shares the same thought standards as ours and conflicts occur only in a close and loving relationship, where there is great concern for each other.
When the husband imposes his thought standards on his wife, it is to force her to live by his thought standards, not hers. It is almost as if he wanted his wife to become a man like him, pursuing the same things in life as he does. Of course, the wife cannot and would not be imposed the husband's thought standards since she is a woman with her own memories and thought standards. The same logic applies when the wife imposes her thought standards on her husband. Conflicts cannot help but continue as long as both parties try to force the other party to change their thought standards.
When a man and a woman are in a courting relationship, they are not considered to be in a relationship pursuing self-realization together. They pursue only their own happiness as individuals when in a courting relationship. Thus, the man shows interests and cares about the woman for his pleasure and passion, and the woman continues the relationship to feel loved and cared about. However, when they are in a marriage relationship, the wife and the husband share the goal of pursuing the common self-realization rather than their own happiness as individuals, and along the way, they have greater interest and concern for each other and try to apply their thought standards to the other party.
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