Conflicts in the parent-child relationship occur when the thought standards of parents and children clash. No one is to blame for the conflicts in these cases, but troubles are caused by assuming right or wrong about the conflict situation. Various psychological counseling sessions, lectures in humanities, training programs in psychology and mind, and sermons mostly assume parties involved to be right or wrong.
In case of a counseling session dealing with a conflict situation, the counselor might apply his or her thought standards rather than those of the parents and the children, thereby necessarily resulting in judging either party to be in the wrong. It also means that the third party is not in the position to mention or argue for or against the truthfulness of the thought standards of the parents or the children.
Couples, parents and children, family members, friends, and acquaintances without conflicts indicate suppression or indifference. Interests and attention necessarily bring about conflicts, and conflicts in these cases are generated not by the other party's fault or wrongdoing but only by one's own thought standards.
Both the thought standards of parents and children are right, and they are only different from each other. Conflicts can be resolved when accepting the differences. This is the healing of conflicts. It is commonly seen that counselors apply their thought standards based on their expert knowledge in counseling and psychology, evaluate the thought standards of the parents and the children, and judge either side to be right or wrong. Such counselors may have specialized knowledge, but not knowing the principles of the working of the human psychology and mind, may not be capable of properly helping resolve conflicts.
There are cases of children without their own thought standards formed yet. They might listen to their parents and do as they are told since their self identity has not formed yet. If they keep staying in the state of allowing the parents' thought standards to maneuver their lives too long, they might have difficulty forming their own self identity.
When parents apply their thought standards and children apply theirs, confrontations and clashes occur leading to conflict situations. Forcing the parents' thought standards on their children is the same as forcing children to discard their own memories and thought standards and to live their lives by the parents' memories and thought standards.
Suppose that parents have a thought standard that this way or that way brings about happiness in life. This thought standard is one formed by the lifelong memories and experiences of the parents and the probability of this thought standard matching the child's memories and experiences is close to zero.
Troubles are to follow when children live by their parents' thought standards. On the other hand, children living by their own thought standards can form a healthy self-identity. Therefore, it is recommended that parents guide children on how to form their own thought standards rather than apply and impose the thought standards of theirs.
Who is at fault in a conflict situation, the parent or the child? Of course, no one is at fault. It is only that both parties simply apply their thought standards, but sometimes, not knowing the causes of conflicts cost both parties too much, ironically resulting in a long period of deep suffering in a loving relationship.
Different thought standards also cause adolescent defiance. Teenagers cannot tolerate the pressure of the parents imposing the thought standards different from those of the children, and they feel lost and wander about with confrontations and clashes. Teenagers begin to develop self-identity when they are about 13 years old, when adolescent defiance also begins to occur. These days, the starting age of the adolescent defiance is getting younger and younger due to the increase in the amount of memories, following the increased knowledge education in early childhood. Earlier knowledge education leads to earlier formation of thought standards and then even younger children begin to apply their own thought standards in life, making conflicts with teachers and parents deepen.
We should celebrate that children have formed their own thought standards rather than assume their thought standards are wrong or immature. Conflicts occur since adults do not accept children's thought standards, and, in turn, children do not accept adults' thought standards. No one is at fault, but conflicts continue, and even become a serious social issue.
Conflicts occur since both adults and children do not know that they have different thought standards. Men's and women's mind work differently, and every person has unique memories and thought standards.
Forcing parents' thought standards on children is like forcing them to live a lesser life, by not allowing them to accumulate their own memories and form their own thought standards.
Parents must respect children's thought standards. When children express and argue for their own ideas, it is something to celebrate rather than something to judge as right or wrong by the parents' thought standards. Children should be informed that their thought standards will equip and enable them to pursue their self-realization, and that pursuing their self-realization is to pursue happiness in human relationships. Then, children will begin to learn to control their thought standards.
Parents might believe that they have the right to rear children, but they only have the duty to nourish children. The major duty as parents is to help children form healthy thought standards and live a fulfilling life pursuing their self-realization as people in relationships. Parents have no right to manipulate children's thought standards.
On the other hand, children have the right to form healthy self-identity before they reach adulthood. Parents should not repress or interfere with children's right to form self-identity. Children will have difficulty pursuing their self-realization in the adulthood without their own self-identity.
If children can get angry and upset about the parents' thought standards, parents should celebrate first before arguing about being right or wrong. Parents can be happy for their children having their own thought standards, and help children develop their self-identity talking about whether their thought standards are right or wrong. Children may have stress and wounds when their thought standards do not match those of their parents'. It is not that the parents are wrong or the children are wrong, but that neither the parents nor the children knew about the principles of the operation of the mind and psychology. Now, parents can inform children of this concept, and help them establish proper thought standards and develop healthy self-identity.
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