[The psychology of dating] The mechanism of dating violence


The man and the woman may decide to stay in a dating relationship after they have become close and comfortable. They may get involved in arguments and conflicts once in while, but accept the situations and get along with each other. Then, at some point, one party may try to stop the conflictual situation by employing some abusive measures. 

In a dating relationship where both parties feel comfortable, the woman may freely nag or express negative emotions toward the man since the man's behaviors do not accord with her own thought standards. The man may try to stop her but the woman may keep expressing her negative feelings. Women with severe wounds may express more negative feelings toward their men as an attempt to treat their wounds. The man does not understand why the woman keeps bothering him at all.  

The woman even draws years-old memories and continues to express wounds. The man cannot stand the stress any more and explodes his anger by being violent. The man gets stressed by the woman's expression of wounds and the woman gets wounded by the man's expression of stress. This type of conflicts gets repeated and aggravated unless the man heals stress and the woman treats wounds. 

Males are designed to remove stress the moment it flows in for perception by the operation of moods. They respond instantly employing some measures established in the habits, be it avoiding or attacking by the operation of the unconscious. In a moment, the man realizes that the woman's face is bruised and feels truly sorry for his behavior. He would do all the things he can to make the woman feel better by providing her with all the care and attention. The woman feels her wounds are treated and generates feelings of love upon the man's sincere attention and consolation. 

Women actually have the ability to treat their own wounds, but they usually grow wounds since they do not accurately understand why and how they develop and accumulate wounds. Women keep sending messages to ask men for treating their wounds by expressing negative emotions. The problem is that men automatically get stressed when women express wounds to men. They enter the vicious cycle of the woman expressing wounds continuously and the man becoming more and more violent. 

Women must stop expressing wounds when the man is in negative moods. You may feel it difficult to change the dynamics of the interaction at first, but a wise woman would express her wounds with a smile when the man is in positive moods. Then, he will listen to the woman thoroughly, help her understand the situation, and provide her with all the attention and consolation she needs for treatment. 

When the first incident of violence is accepted by the woman without causing much trouble, the man's violent behavior is habituated. He may employ violence every time the woman's thought standards do not accord with his standards and they are in a conflictual situation. The woman must fight back firmly and strongly when violence occurs and correct his wrong behavior to prevent the habituation of violence. When the woman succumbs to the man's power and suppresses her wounded feelings, he may perceive his violent behavior as being acceptable and effective. 

As the woman expresses painful feelings upon the man's violence, the man may provide her with greater attention and consolation than ever. Then, the woman may feel greatly loved by the man and actually generate greater feelings of love and happiness. As this cycle repeats, both the level of violence and the level of attention and consolation rise higher and higher. The woman gets immersed into the cycle of feeling wounded and feeling loved, and loses the objective perspective on the relationship with the man. The man dominates the woman through both violence and consolation, and the woman stays in the delusion that she is in deep love with the man. This condition is referred to as Stockholm syndrome.

The woman under the influence of violence loses the sense of self-respect. Her value is determined by the man and she becomes completely dependent on the man, always feeling nervous and anxious. She cannot leave the man since she fears losing the man's attention and consolation. She thinks that she can't leave him since she loves him. 

She does not criticize him but waits for his care after his violent attack since she has built the habit of getting the man's attention and consolation. She misunderstands that her wounds are treated by the man's attention and consolation, but her wounds actually keeps growing. Many men and women live in such a dangerous situation since they do not know how to heal stress and treat wounds. The root cause of dating violence is the man's stress. Violence automatically disappears when the man establishes a healthy healing system. These days, there are also women who become violent in a dating relationship. The same mechanism applies to such relationships. 

Dating violence or domestic violence occurs when the perpetrator has problems in the way he or she relieves stress. The perpetrator gets stressed by the person who provides him or her with stress, and relieves stress by becoming violent at the victim. Then, the perpetrator regrets and feels guilty for the violent behavior, which leads to providing attention and consolation for compensation. Dating violence is especially dangerous since both the perpetrator and the victim misunderstand that the perpetrator is acquitted of the wrongdoing by compensating with attention and consolation.

When dating violence is formed as a habit, it is not controlled by the conscious upon the perception of stress. The man may become violent upon the slightest trigger during daily life. He will become more and more violent and end up committing a serious crime unless they develop a healthy healing system. When a woman wants to break up with a man who can be violent, she must first help him to build a healthy healing system before breaking up. Otherwise, the man is likely to find her by all means and retaliate. Both men and women must carefully examine their partner's habits in the unconscious. 

Women do not like men without passion. Men do not like women who do not generate feelings of love. Men without passion and women without feelings of love cannot form romantic emotions no matter how long they stay together. Men need stress to generate passion and women need wounds to generate feelings of love. Also, they need to know how to heal stress and treat wounds in a healthy way to be able to achieve love and happiness together. The lack of understanding of the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology may lead to conflictual relationships and raise the possibility of dating violence. 

Dating violence must be viewed not only from the legal or practical perspective but also from the psychological perspective. When the perpetrator's psychology is adequately analyzed and addressed, problems of dating violence may be solved more easily than usually thought. 

Also, trying to correct the habits of dating violence by knowledge education that mainly activates the conscious instead of the unconscious actually aggravate the psychological condition of the perpetrator. Any activation of the conscious generates stress in men so, cramming education only adds stress on the already existing tendency of employing violence upon perceiving stress. We must address not the surface phenomenon, which is dating violence, but the root cause, which is the operation of habits and the unconscious to solve the problem.         

From the psychological perspective, men's violent actions occur as a form of self-defense when the man senses such extreme stress that he feels as if he would die unless it is avoided or removed at all costs. The majority of cases of violence we see around will disappear when people understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology. Men's violent actions are the expression of their unconscious upon perceiving stress in an attempt to get out of the situation. Violence can be stopped when men transform undesirable habits into desirable ones in their unconscious and build the healthy healing system. They become to be able to relieve even the most intense stress through healthy and socially acceptable manners. 

A happy dating relationship is based on healthy psychology of individuals and healthy dynamics of psychological interactions between the two people.


 About KIP(Korea Institute of Psycho-education)  

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