8/30/2021

[The Psychology of Dating] Passion and love

 

A dating relationship refers to a close human relationship where two people, usually a man and a woman, like and care about each other. The psychology of dating has the duality that makes people feel both sweet and bitter at the same time making it even more captivating. This duality leads many people to think that their dating relationship is unique and special compared with other people's dating relationships. 

When the man looks egocentric and domineering when they first meet, the woman may perceive that his 'strong' character is attractive in a way. When the woman is complaining and irritable, the man may perceive that her 'innocent' character is attractive in a way. That is, in a dating relationship, all they need is fun and pleasure when they are together and they do not think seriously about other matters. 

However, as they are attracted to each other more and more, they naturally generate stress and psychological wounds, which indicates that they are interested in each other a great deal. In a dating relationship, they want each other and build desire for each other even when the counterparty behaves in ways they cannot understand or don't like.

The whole spectrum of emotions is involved in the dating relationship as in other close relationships. As they proceed in the dating relationship, the couple find that they have different standards from each other and generate stress and wounds. Then, the man may lose passion and the woman may lose the desire for love leading their relationship to end. Then again, in many cases, they may regret breaking up with each other and blame themselves. 

Some people consider dating as a casual relationship, but dating relationships involve the operation of all human emotions with their full scale and force. The woman may feel the utmost happiness and think that she is the luckiest woman, and then, suffer from meaningless jealousy. She may feel moved to tears by the man's attention and devotion, and then, one day, she may feel absolutely hurt by his negligence and distancing. The psychology of dating is simple and complex at the same time like this. Dating appearing to be fun and happy is only a manifested image. Stress and wounds are necessary in a dating relationship since both strong positive and negative emotions coexist in the operation of mind and psychology of dating relationships.

The couple may break up mostly because they cannot heal stress and treat wounds. When they understand what causes conflicts between them, they can easily heal stress and treat wounds. Most problems occur since they do not understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology. When they understand about both themselves and their counterparty, they can address problems and conflicts appropriately. When they build their relationship based on true understanding, they can achieve true passion and love toward each other. 

Dating relationships involve connection and love. Here, the connection means a human relationship where people's minds are connected. That is, it is a relationship where the man's mind and the woman's mind are connected. Dating relationship is formed when the man's passion and the woman's love are combined. Romantic emotions are formed when man's passion and woman's love are combined. Man's passion is positive moods and woman's love is positive feelings. When moods and feelings operate in human mind, they are recognized, stored in memory, and then, expressed by retrieving what has been stored in memory. The operation of mind is operated to be manifested as psychology. 

In order for positive moods to be sensed in the conscious, sensory organs need to perceive positive sensations. That is, positive perception of the counterparty leads to the immersion into moods of fun and pleasure. When the man finds meeting the woman fun and pleasurable, passion is formed in the man. On the other hand, the woman generates feelings in the unconscious by combining what is perceived and what has been stored in memory. Woman's love is positive feelings in the unconscious that are sensed and recognized in the conscious. Women's feelings of love stem from getting attention. Attention can be both positive and negative, but women accommodate both positive and negative attention and store them in memory. 

Women try to look their best in order to get attention from the man they meet. They wear make-up and take time to change clothes until they find the perfect one. However, men do not care much about appearance or fashion of the woman who they like. Men are sensitive only to stimulations that accord with their standards. They are especially sensitive to visual stimulation and the most important visual stimulation for men is the woman's facial expressions. The man's moods are determined by the woman's response that is displayed through her facial expressions. The man's moods become negative when the woman does not smile or does not respond to the man's talk no matter how perfect her appearance is. Women need to respond positively to the man's behavior in order to earn the man's heart. Otherwise, he will turn away from her since it is boring and no fun at all. 

The couple may experience failure when they date for the first time due to lack of experience. It is like trial and error. Since the woman has feelings, she thinks that the man 'likes' her when she 'likes' him. She assumes that he naturally 'likes' what she 'likes', and he does not 'like' what she does not 'like'. This is woman's psychology of dating. However, man's psychology of dating is different. He likes everything when he is in positive moods at present and likes nothing when he is in negative moods. 

Let's suppose that the man and the woman take a boat ride at a river and then, go to see a movie. The woman really likes the man's lead and looks like having a lot of fun. The man is excited about her positive response. In the evening, he takes her to a pub for some beer, which he thinks is a great idea, without asking her opinion. Suddenly, she stops smiling as she enters the pub and stops talking. He tries to cheer her up by making jokes and so on, but she kind of responds negatively. The man gets intensely stressed. The man gives up and pays the bill without checking for her response any more.

The woman is angry since he just took her to the pub without even asking her opinion. She actually wanted to go to a nice Italian restaurant. Now, the man actually knows why she is angry but his pride is already hurt. The man does not even escort her to her place and says goodbye in front of the pub. The woman blames herself for her inconsiderate behavior and also blames the man for being so selfish. 

Men and women fail in dating relationships since they assume that people of the opposite gender have the identical operation of mind with their own. Men's mind and women's mind operate completely differently. When the counterparty's behavior does not accord with their standards, they generate stress and wounds and experience conflicts. When their first romantic relationship ends as a failure, they experience anxiety and feel at a loss. They may feel nervous and fearful about dating again. 

People have more conflicts when their thought standards are greatly different. Each party usually blames the other party and would not admit their own faults. When the man and the woman have an argument, they would spend some time without contacting each other since they need some time alone to recover from their negative emotions. That is, each party heals stress and treats wounds in their own ways. They may reflect upon their own speech, actions, and facial expressions, and upon how the counterparty's psychology operates.

You could suppress your emotions or frankly express your emotions when you have negative emotions in a romantic relationship. It takes courage to frankly express your emotions when both of you are in negative emotions. Also, if you decide to frankly express your emotions, it is recommended that you first recover from negative emotions by yourself and then, express yourself in a positive way to minimize the counterparty's negative perception and repeated conflicts. 

Every woman and every man have their own individual thought standards regarding love and passion. When the man's and the woman's thought standards contradict, stress and wounds are necessarily generated. Continuous stress make men lose passion and accumulated wounds make women lose feelings of love. Men's passion and women's love can last long when men can heal stress and women can treat wounds in adequate ways.

https://youtu.be/tEF3oS3l6P8


About KIP(Korea Institute of Psycho-education 

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