Q. My mother really wanted to get higher education when she was young, but she couldn't because she had to make a living. She always told me that education and having a big dream is important, so she even sent me abroad for study. However, my academic achievement didn't work out as she had planned, and I don't know what to do with my life. I tend to depend on her for everything I do and decide, and haven't really done anything by my own will. I guess I have to make my own decision and accomplishment from now on, but I have no sense of confidence. What should I do?
A. As a child learns to walk, parents help the child to start a few steps at first, and then, gradually let the child take over for walking independently. Child rearing becomes harder when the child walks about everywhere, but parents do not make the child stay at one spot or keep carrying the child.
As children become teenagers and begin to form their own self-identity and thought standards, parents should support them so that they can form healthy self-identity and thought standards, and pursue their own self-actualization when they become adults. However, as parents impose their own thought standards upon children, children are deprived of opportunities to build their own thought standards.
You seem to have lost the chance to build basic abilities for decision making and self-actualization during teenage years even though you were a good daughter and student. Your mother made all the decisions for you and helped you with every single thing when problems occurred. Now, you must make your own decisions and direct yourself in the path of life, but you don't have the ability to deal with stress and wounds in your career or relationships. You and your mother are likely to develop relational conflicts blaming each other as your mother is not satisfied with your achievement and you are also stressed from the relationship with your mother.
From now on, you must practice making your own decisions and accomplishments without your mother's help even if they are small and trivial ones. As you build problem solving abilities by tackling small issues one by one, you will gradually develop not only basic abilities but also confidence. You can overcome dependency on your mother and build your own self-identity and thought standards as far as you keep your will power to do so. Just keep in mind that it will take quite some time to become psychologically independent. Keep making efforts to put your ideas into practice and never give up.
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