[Mother Therapy] I am angry at myself for losing my temper at my children

Q. I am a working mother who is raising a boy and a girl. My boy has tic disorder and has been taking psychology therapy for quite a long time. I wonder whether he has developed tic disorder since I was always working outside home ever since he was very young. Especially, I can't seem to control my temper when my children quarrel with each other and they make a fuss about what to wear for school in the morning. I didn't want to become like my own mother, who complained and fretted a lot to children, so I even majored in psychology at college. I feel frustrated that I am becoming like my mother. 

​A. Parents do not necessarily have to make generous and controlled expressions all the time toward children. Parents can get angry at children sometimes. Anger should not be denied only as a negative emotion, and it just shows that your psychology is unstable. If you expressed anger toward children in spite of yourself, you should apologize and explain why you were so angry even when children are very young. If you just keep expressing anger and do not take any actions of apology and explanation, children become just the objects you vent your anger on. 

Some mothers blame themselves when their children have problems. It is very difficult for you to manage child rearing and working on your career simultaneously, and you or any mother can't be a perfect mother. You shouldn't blame yourself for your child's tic disorder since it didn't happen because you had a career. 

All human beings, especially women, have wounds in mimind. Seemingly perfect parents cannot avoid stress and wounds completely. It causes no problem when stress and wounds are properly healed and treated as they occur, but it causes problems when they are accumulated and suppressed. This will affect the closest relationships most negatively. That is, mother's unstable psychology, not expressing anger itself, negatively affects children. 

You said you didn't want to become like your own mother, who complained and fretted a lot. The fact is that your mother never wanted to become an irritable and peevish mother. She was a very sweet mother at first, but she changed as her psychological condition deteriorated as she got stressed and wounded more and more.      

As you accurately understand your psychological condition, you can easily address the fundamental issues. As you stabilize your psychology, you will understand your mother and stop being irritable and peevish even when children make a fuss every day. The most important thing is to examine your own condition of the body and the mind.

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