Many wives try to help their husbands when they find that their husbands are going through difficulties and feeling stressed due to problems of career, economy, health and so on. However, such well intended behaviors remind their husbands of the problems again, make it hard to get rid of the stress, and make them feel even worse. By the operation of males' defense mechanism of mind, any perception that is related with a stressful matter induces even more stress no matter how well it is intended. When the wife tries to bring up the issue and discuss and help in any way even when the husband does not ask for help, it has only an adverse effect and he may become to connect the wife with stress in general when such situations repeatedly occur.
What the wife can do to really help her husband is not to try to directly help him with the matter through discussion or other ways, but to establish the environment where her husband can heal himself and forget about stressful matters. Then, the husband can achieve healing and comfort just by staying with his wife and stay away from stress for the time when they are together. Establishing the environment for healing is less about doing something for the husband and more about stabilizing the wife's psychological condition.
People tend to try to change their counterparty rather than themselves when problems occur and this leads to the collapse of both the self and others. All human beings have their own life experiences and thought standards, and no two people can feel and think in an identical way no matter how close they are to each other. Only you yourself can treat your own psychological wounds and heal your own stress.
What you can do as a wife to help your husband is not about sharing or addressing the problems together, which is usually beyond your ability. Building a company for your husband where he never gets stressed is not what the wife can or must do. What the wife can do is to become a happy person with whom the husband can naturally heal stress and enjoy comfort. What you can do to really help your husband is to change yourself to become a happy person.
The same logic applies to the relationship with children. When you find that your son has had a bad day at school, trying to talk about the matter will make your son feel even more stressed and lead him to avoid you when such situations occur repeatedly. However, when you become a happy mother and make him feel happy and comfortable when he comes home no matter what happened at school, he himself will talk about everything, feeling safe and comfortable and heal stress just by being with you.
Everyone including yourself, your husband, and your children lives their life with their unique life experiences and thought standards. The moment you deliberately try to do things to make others feel better or try to change others, problems and conflicts start or worsen. All you have to do both for yourself and for others is to become a happy and healthy person. If you find that things got better after you have done something to solve the problem for the counterparty, it indicates that your counterparty has achieved a selfish goal through your behaviors or your counterparty has already collapsed psychologically. It must be always kept in mind that you can never solve others' problems for them or change other people even if they are the closest ones to you.
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