We try to find ways to make our loved ones happy. Our own happiness is important but we also hope for happiness of our spouse, parents, children, and friends. To achieve happiness of ours and our loved ones, we must first accurately understand the concept of happiness. Although happiness is a subjective emotional experience, we need to understand about the standard of happiness in order to prevent problems and achieve happiness in a true sense.
Most people live together with other people in human relationships, so the standard of happiness must accord with the happiness in human relationships. When you live only as an individual without any human relationship, you can be happy with your own comfort and pleasure regardless of other people. However, humans are designed to pursue happiness in relationships once they have stability and composure as an individual. That is why you are naturally inclined to help strangers in need. Thus, the basis of happiness in relationships is stability and composure as an individual.
When you interact with people psychologically in relationships, you cannot but generate stress and psychological wounds. When problems that caused stress and wounds are solved and your psychological balance is restored, you may feel moved and touched. The greater stress and wounds, the more you feel moved and touched when the issue is resolved. You feel happy for restoring stability and composure after solving the problem. This feeling of happiness is quite complex and much more than the simple combination of a wide range of emotions such as joy, pleasure, sorrow, and anger. After feeling moved, you may come back to the state of stability and composure. Happiness is the whole process of being stable, experiencing difficulties, solving problems, feelings moved, and being stable again. You can help your loved ones become happy by letting them experience the whole process.
Specifically, there are two ways to make efforts to make your counterparty happy. One is to completely comply with the counterparty's standard of happiness. You may provide everything so that the counterparty can get out of difficulties and achieve stability and composure. Since everyone has different standards for happiness, you may need to adopt different strategies for everyone you are trying to help. The other way is for you to become a happy person. When you have happiness ability by taking care of your stress and wounds, feeling moved and touched, and restoring stability and composure on your own regardless of interactions with other people, people around you will naturally feel happy just to be with you. These are the only two ways to help other people become happy.
When you adopt the first strategy and try to comply with the counterparty' standard of happiness, you must make efforts to sacrifice yourself. On the other hand, when you have happiness ability, people around you will automatically feel happy without any effort on your part. In the latter case, your own happiness affects people around you in a positive way to make them feel happy.
Many people mistake stability, composure, and comfort for happiness. These are the conditions with the absence of stress and wounds rather than happiness. Also, when you have to constantly stay in the state of stress and wounds without overcoming them, you cannot restore stability and composure. When you cannot experience feeling moved in the process of solving the problem, you may stay in stress and wounds and then in stability and composure, which does not count as happiness in a true sense, either.
There are three types of people who live in unhappiness. The first type is people who blame themselves, the second people who blame other people, and the third people who are dependent on people who alleviate stress and wounds for them. In the first case, only they themselves suffer from psychological difficulties. Other people usually do not recognize their difficulties. Secondly, people who blame others make other people unhappy by negatively affecting them. When the second type of people develop severe condition, they may feel comfort and pleasure by blaming and damaging other people. The third type of people depend on other people to solve their own problems. It cannot work and only causes psychological difficulties on both parties since your psychological problems cannot be solved by other people. No one can become happy by blaming self or others or by depending on others for their psychological problems. To become happy in relationships, you must make efforts for your own happiness and build the ability to overcome stress and wounds, feel moved and touched, and restore stability and composure.
People want to make other people happy in relationships since they themselves feel happy when they are with happy people. However, it is only yourself who can make you happy and this mechanism applies to everyone. You can build your own happiness ability and wait for your loved ones to build their happiness ability. Your loved ones may see you become a happy person and choose to become happy people themselves.
When you have happiness ability and live happily, you do not consciously recognize that you are happy. Since you are mostly in the state of stability and composure, you do not express your being happy outwardly. On the contrary, people who consciously feel and express their being happy are considered to be having fun and pleasure instead of having stability and composure. These days, fun and pleasure appear to be mistaken for happiness by many people.
When you have happiness ability, you can easily address stress and wounds and maintain stability and composure on your own. On the other hand, when you have great stress and wounds but cannot adequately address them inside you, you may constantly seek positive moods from positive sensory stimulation to compensate for the negative moods. The more fun and pleasure you pursue and consciously recognize, the more stress and wounds you are considered to have. These people may think that happiness comes with excitement and consider people who have happiness ability as boring people. They may be having fun as individuals but people around them are likely to suffer from damage inflicted by these selfish pleasure seekers.
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