10/13/2021

[On Remarriage] I am a 47-year-old divorced man. I have been seeing a 35-year-old divorced woman for a year. I am seriously thinking about breaking up with her since she persists on getting married.

I am a 47-year-old divorced man. I have been seeing a 35-year-old divorced woman for a year. At first, we agreed that we would postpone talking about getting married since both of us experienced pain and difficulties in the first marriage and divorce. However, she has recently been asking me for getting married and she is quite tenacious. I am thinking about breaking up with her since we tend to argue over remarriage every time we meet each other. I am also worried about her tendency of attachment even after we get married in the future. 

Many people want only a dating relationship without getting married again after a divorce since they experienced pain and difficulties during their first marriage and the divorce process. Stress and wounds that you had in the past do not just disappear as time passes but stay continuously operating inside you even after divorce. You must accurately analyze psychological conditions of yours and your partners if you experience conflicts and difficulties in relationships after divorce. 

Many people think that their past is over by getting a divorce and they can just start fresh for future happiness. When you remarry without treating psychological disorders and preparing yourself for remarriage, you will live with distorted psychology in your new relationship developing dependency and demanding compensation. 

Your partner has already developed the desire for remarriage, and her desire grows more and more as she grows her wounds by being rejected by you. On the other hand, her demanding remarriage only adds stress on you making you want to avoid her. She may begin to think that only remarriage will make her happy reinforcing the idea for remarriage and you may begin to think that only break-up will resolve the issue reinforcing the idea against remarriage. 

Neither of you understands why your partner has such a strong desire for remarriage. For one part, her desire is the manifestation of her deep wounds stored in her memory through years of negative experiences before, during, and after divorce. For another, it is the manifestation of her lack of preparation for life after divorce from psychological and practical perspectives. She may be identifying remarriage with happiness and want comfort and compensation through remarriage, which are all based on the operation of wounds in her memory. 

You have to analyze your psychological conditions they may have been affected by your past experiences as well as your partner's psychology. You must also understand that the root cause of relational conflicts is the man's stress and the woman's wounds. You may be able to reach a wise conclusion if you two discuss the issue sincerely and calmly and cooperate to overcome difficulties together. Both of you may have to compromise on your positions for dating and remarriage. It is not a good idea to decide on a break-up just because you don't want to get stressed from the conflict with your partner since avoidance can be habituated in your unconscious. 

 You can talk to your partner about this consultation with open mind. She may feel loved that you are trying hard to maintain a good relationship with her. Her wanting to marry you indicates that she loves you unless she has some selfish purpose. Your worrying and agonizing indicate that you love her and don't want to break up with her. It is much better to overcome difficulties together and prepare yourself for the future than to jump into remarriage thinking that it will always be fun to be together without any preparation and then to repeat conflicts and divorce.

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