Korea Institute of Psycho-education: [Mother Therapy_Q&A] My daughter won't talk to me and wants to stay alone.

Q. I am worried about my 13-year-old daughter. She used to be a very sweet girl who would always talk to me about every little thing about her daily life. However, these days, she wants to stay alone most of the time. Recently, she came home and just slammed the door into her room. I knocked on the door and asked her what happened, but she refused to talk and told me to leave her alone. I am really worried since she has suddenly changed so much.

A. As a child's body grows, his or her mind also grows. They will not stay forever as what they are as children. Parents can easily see their body grow everyday but the growth of their mind is less visible, so parents may assume that their mind stays pretty much the same as before. One day, parents may suddenly realize that their children have changed a lot and become worried not knowing what to do.

When they are still in elementary school or before they reach the age of adolescence, they are quite close to parents and talk with them about almost everything no matter how trivial the topic is. Children's patterns of expressions naturally change as they enter the age of adolescence and develop their own thought standards, which are likely to be different from those of parents. They may sometimes disagree with parents and want some psychological space of their own. All these behaviors indicate that they have entered the developmental stage of the formation of self-identity, which usually covers the ages between 13 to 19.

It is only a natural part of psychological growth, but parents may feel worried when they do not understand about the developmental process of child psychology and have not expected such a phenomenon. They may overreact and assume that there is something wrong with the child's condition or situation including school life or relationships with friends.

Your daughter seems to be able to express her emotions and ideas clearly by saying that she wants to stay alone. If you still keep pushing her for talking with you, she may think that you are not listening to her and do not respect her ideas, which, in turn, makes her talk with you less and less. Therefore, you must first show her your respect for her ideas and let her have some time and space to herself.

Please, understand that not only her body but also her mind grows as time goes by. Now, she is in the developmental phase of the formation of self-identity, where she is working on developing her own thought standards. You can be assured that your daughter is growing with healthy mind instead of being worried about her changed behaviors. Of course, she may experience many trials and errors in the process.

When parents accurately understand about the growth process of children's psychology development and adopt adequate parenting strategies, children can develop healthy body and mind within the boundary of the safe environment parents have set up for them.