Q. I got a divorce 16 years ago. I am seeing a man whose wife passed away a few years ago and he wants to get married with me. However, I don't want to get married again so I feel uncomfortable when I meet him. Should I break up with him?
A. Many people feel uncomfortable about getting married again even when they are in a romantic relationship with a new person. You must feel very comfortable to live alone by now since it has been 16 years after you got a divorce.
Usually, the man whose wife passed away and the woman who got a divorce have different ideas when they meet each other since the psychology of bereavement and that of divorce are quite different. The man may think that he wants to have a good wife again living together and sharing every aspect of life. You don't really want a remarriage but you like the man, so you have the inner conflict.
First of all, you can calmly express your ideas about remarriage to him. You can say that it makes you feel uncomfortable to bring up the idea of remarriage during your date. You don't have to go long to explain why you don't want to remarry in detail. You should not declare that you will never remarry, either. You can simply let him know that you feel uncomfortable about remarriage for now. Hiding and suppressing your emotions to maintain the current relationship will only aggravate your psychological condition, which in turn negatively affects your partner and your relationship with him.
When you express your ideas about remarriage calmly and comfortably, you can expect one of the two possible responses from the man. The first is that the man may feel disappointed and begin to keep distance from you and the second is that the man will wait until you feel comfortable about remarriage and propose remarriage from your part. In the latter cases, he may continue to stay as your partner and make efforts to make you feel positive about remarriage. When the man keeps distance upon his learning about your hesitancy for remarriage, you don't have to keep the relationship with him anymore.
When you become to think positively about remarriage with the man, you must prepare yourself for remarriage by transforming your psychology from the psychology of divorce to that of remarriage. You will repeat the same mistake that you made in your first marriage if you go back to the psychology of the first marriage when you remarry, and then, you will become unhappy again. You will also have to take time to change relationships with people around you including your family members while preparing for remarriage.
The man you will remarry has to change his psychology from the psychology of bereavement to that of remarriage when he marries you in the future. Jumping into remarriage hastily without preparation and adjustment regarding both parties' psychological conditions may lead to another life experience of trial an error. The whole point is not about practical decisions of keeping the relationship, breaking up, or getting remarried, but it is about communicating positively and properly and maintaining healthy psychology.
Korea Institute of Psycho-education : http://www.uip.ac/
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