Q. I am in the process of getting a divorce now. We have decided that I will have custody of children. My husband is 41 years old and I am 37. My 12-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter do not usually listen to me well, so I could not talk to children about the divorce yet. I am worried. What should I do?
A. You must start preparing for how you will manage your life and raise your children after divorce. When parents get a divorce, children also go through changes in relationships. Now, they have a close relationship with both their mother and father, but after divorce, they will keep the relationship with their mother but they will meet their father only occasionally. Children also need time to prepare for the change in the relationship with parents after divorce.
You had the husband to manage life together before divorce, but you will have to decide on every matter alone after divorce. You must change your psychology so that you can raise children on your own and you must prioritize the preparation for such change when you proceed with divorce.
So far, you were not good at communicating with your children and your children did not listen to you well. They are in the phase of the formation of self-identity in psychological development in which they develop their own thought standards and may confront parents ideas. You may experience some conflicts with your children in the process of getting a divorce due to difference in thought standards between you and your children.
So far, you have played the role of a woman, a wife, and a mother. When you get a divorce, you will live as a woman and a mother without the role of a wife. It will be very important to recover the relationship with your children when you get a divorce. You must analyze the reasons for conflicts and miscommunications with children and build the ability to live happily with your children.
You must also protect your children from psychological problems they may go through after divorce. It is important to cultivate the environment where you and your children have fun together, build rapport, and share ideas and emotions. You as their mother must initiate to cultivate good environment for children. You don't have to explain to children the reasons for your divorce in detail and you can simply let them know how the family structure will change and their father will keep serving as their father even after the divorce.
It is also crucial that you must communicate considering their point of view at the level of their eyes. To be able to do so, you must first get closer to them. You must change yourself to get closer to children whether they listen to you or not. Once you are closer to each other, children will begin to listen to you.
It is important for you to stay healthy psychologically to be able to manage your life and take a good care of children after divorce. You must first transform your psychology from the psychology of a married person into that of a divorced person. You must also think about how you want to maintain or change your relationships with family, friends, and people around you including your husband. If you keep in touch with him casually and continuously after divorce, you will stay in the psychology of marriage and put yourself in danger of developing psychological problems.
If you adequately prepare yourself and your children psychologically for life after divorce, you and your children will be able to wisely cope with and solve almost all the practical problems that may occur after divorce.
Korea Institute of Psycho-education : http://www.uip.ac/
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