The third cause of emotional confrontations and arguments
is the different operations of the conscious and unconscious during the mutual
exchange of the mind. When the external information is perceived and accepted
into the mind, the conscious is operating. When the mind is externally
expressed, the unconscious is operated. The unconscious expression to others
and its conscious reception by the partner are not particularly problematic in
a good relationship. But it causes emotional confrontations and arguments for
people in bad moods.
This kind of psychological interaction is absolutely
necessary for all human relationships. Consequently, the error in psychological
interactions naturally happens to any person in relationships. Since you, your
spouse, children, or your parents do not understand this operation of
psychology, the misunderstanding of each other causes emotional confrontations
and arguments. This happens very frequently and is responsible for almost 80%
of the entire emotional confrontations.
When two people’s psychologies interact, the self unconsciously
expresses emotions while the partner consciously takes them in. Then, the
partner expresses his or her emotions unconsciously. This is called
psychological interactions. This type of psychological interaction is more
apparent in a love relationship or a close relationship. Think about people
that you love or feel close to and consider how frequently you have emotional
confrontations and arguments with these people.
When one expresses one’s emotions
unconsciously through speech, actions, and facial expressions, the partner
receives the expression consciously and thinks that the expression was made
deliberately or intentionally. Likewise, when the partner expresses his or her
emotions unconsciously, one receives them consciously as thoughts and thinks
that the partner’s expression is deliberate or intentional. So, when an
emotional confrontation or argument happens, they blame each other.
The partner didn’t think or mean
anything he unconsciously expressed, but you felt and thought about what was
expressed. So, you become certain that it was intentional. You remember less
than 10% of your unconscious speech, actions, and facial expressions, but more
than 90% of what the partner said and did can be remembered. That is why you
think that the partner is to blame. It was not the partner’s intention, but you
think that the partner intended it.
If it happens, it means that you are
in a love relationship, a close relationship, or an old relationship with a
comfortable person. It happens to most people in old and close relationships
such as marital relationships, parent-child relationships, family relationships,
and close friendships.
People unconsciously express
through speech, actions and facial expressions in close human relationships.
Then, the partner takes it consciously as thoughts, expresses unconsciously and
creates a cycle. This phenomenon is natural and unavoidable in a loving
relationship and an old and intimate relationship.
This cycle in intimate human
relationships is not problematic unless the expression is unhealthy and evokes
negative moods. The expression is unconscious whereas perception is conscious.
Although the partner expressed unconsciously, you mistakenly think that the
partner deliberately made such expression. This is the reason why we blame each
other. Despite the inevitability of this phenomenon in intimate relationships,
people continuously get in emotional conflicts with their loved ones and blame
each other because they do not accurately understand this principle.
When you perceive and express, you
distort the reality because you express and perceive using different
mechanisms. Your perception is distortion and misunderstanding. You take the
partner’s expression for granted and are assured by this perception, but you do
not realize that the partner’s expression is made unconsciously. Therefore, 90%
of negative feelings about the partner is caused by your own distortion and
misunderstanding. The probability of distorting and misunderstanding the
partner’s intention is 90%. You should consider the fact that your negative
feelings against your partner are not justified and arise from
misunderstanding.
If you are in a bad mood, it is
unconsciously expressed in your words, actions, and facial expressions. Here,
you don’t remember most of what you said, did, or showed unconsciously. You
can’t remember because you have not thought about what was unconsciously
expressed. What can be remembered is less than 10% of what was expressed
through speech, actions, and facial expressions. On the contrary, the partner
consciously perceives what you said, did and showed and remembers 90% of your
expression.
Misunderstandings and conflicts
arise when each other's minds operate like this. Then, what do you remember?
What you said and did are remembered less than 10% whereas what your
counterparty said and did are remembered more than 90%. This is applied to your
counterparty the same. The counterparty remembers less than 10 % of what he or
she said and did but remembers more than 90% of what you said and did.
During
the psychological interactions, misunderstanding and conflicts arise. Then,
answer these questions. How much do you remember? Whose fault is it when you
and your partner are having an emotional fight? Is it your fault? Or is it your
partner’s fault?
Of
course, you will still feel that it is your partner’s fault. When there is an
emotional problem, it is obviously your partner’s fault. You are only
responsible for less than 10% of the problem whereas your partner is
responsible for 90% of the problem. Now, let’s look at this from your partner’s
perspective. He or she remembers only 10% of what he or she expressed and
remembers more than 90% of your words, actions, and facial expressions. So,
your partner will think that 'my fault is only 10%, and your fault is 90%' and
say that "you did the same thing." The partner will talk about 90% of
your words, actions, and facial expressions that he or she remembers.
It
happens to everyone. Being able to learn through trials and errors is a great
ability that humans have. Your wounds and stress can be healed and turned into
a source of energy to live happily. However, you let your wounds and stress
from emotional problems inflict pain on you because you don't understand the
principle of the mind and psychology.
Most
of your misunderstandings and conflicts arise from the error in psychological
interactions. What is the probability of correctly judging the partner's
intention? Your conscious makes you think that 'he did this to me, so he must
have thought it out and done it deliberately.' If you consider the error in
psychological interactions, you will realize that there is less than 1% chance
that your judgment is correct. 'That person must feel this way.', 'he must be
thinking this.', 'my child must be thinking this about me.' These thoughts are
rarely correct.
You
may be surprised and think that "It means that what I think maybe wrong.
Then, does that also mean that 99% of my judgment is wrong?" It is
correct. So, you should listen to your husband or children's story from the
beginning to the end. But most of you think that there is no need because you
heard their words and saw their actions and facial expressions directly. Things
that your five sensory organs felt are obvious; it makes you think that
repeating it is unnecessary.
There
is something that is crucially missing when you are certain. It is the fact
that the partner expressed unconsciously through speech, actions, and facial
expressions. One's expression tends to be unconscious more frequently with a
loved one or a close person.
However,
people do not think so. When you love someone, you don't always cherish and say
good things to the person. When one's mind and psychology suffer from stress
and wounds, one attempts to remove or treat them. Men under stress will
activate their unconscious to remove the stress. Wounded women will activate
their unconscious to treat the wounds. At this point, their unconscious makes
expression using speech, actions, and facial expressions as byproducts.
Let's
say that a mother is always angry, annoyed and hysterical toward her children.
Then, the children cannot stand their mother due to stress or wounds. The son
will try to remove the stress whereas the daughter will try to treat her
wounds. They express through words, actions, and facial expressions
unconsciously. In the worst-case scenario, they will inflict verbal or physical
abuse on the mother or run away from home. What would these children do after
running away from home? Why would they run away? Is everything the mother's
fault? Or is it the children's fault? It is nobody's fault. It happened because
no one understood the principle of the operation of mind and psychology. Those
stories often featured in popular TV shows can be you. You need to know exactly
why those children ran away.
I
will give you an example. When I used to give lectures to teenagers, one
student said, "My mom makes my life miserable. She nags at me hysterically
every day, bullies me and curses endlessly. It kills me. But adults say that
she does that because she loves me. It gets me even more frustrating. I want
them to shut up. I feel like nobody's on my side." I heard other girls unanimously
agree with this student.
At
this point, I explained the principle of mind and psychology. "Your mother
does that because she has many wounds. She is a woman and she has the
unconscious that tries to treat her wounds by using her loved ones. However,
your father doesn't listen to her and cannot help treating her wounds. Then,
who is the person that she loves the most next to your father? It is you. Your
mother wants you to treat her. She wants you to notice how much she is
suffering. Your mother's unconscious expresses without thinking. Why? Because
she loves you and cannot tell anyone else about her wounds. But what do you
make of it? You think that your mother deliberately does those things and
become certain that your mother hates you the most. How horrible is it when, in
fact, you love each other."
If
I say this, the teenagers' ideas change. So, I suggest that they "explain
this to their mothers" or bring their mothers. Then, I explain the
principle of the mind and psychology to the mothers. These mothers and students
cry their eyes out afterward. Think about your relationship with your children
and parents.
Your
relationships with your parents, spouse, and children are all the same. Because
you don’t understand the principle of the operation of mind and psychology that
concerns love relationships, you misunderstand each other and have conflicts
and confrontations for a long time because you definitely love each other.
If
you are mad at your children or spouse, the cause of your anger is not them or
yourself. When you see and hear it, you think it is definitely their fault. But
you should know that your chance of correctly judging the situation is less
than 10%. You should think that you are mistaken and misunderstanding more than
90% of the time and find out the exact circumstance and facts. Then,
surprisingly, you will find out what exactly happened and resolve the problem
without difficulty.
You
must learn the principle of the operation of mind and psychology. If you know
the principle, nothing can give you stress or wounds. Then, there will not be
any pain or sadness. An accurate understanding of the principle will protect
you against wounds and naturally heal your wounds.
Look
at your children. If your children say, "you are annoying. Why do you
always get mad at me? What did I do?", why do you think that they say so?
Why do your children get annoyed with you? It is because the children love the
mother. They love you just like you love them. They get mad at you just like
when you get mad at your children or spouse on a bad day. It is because of
love.
If
you are really curious about the reason why you need to get mad and annoyed by
the ones that you love, you should draw a diagram of the psychology and
substitute you and your child or husband's words, actions, and facial
expressions. It will surprisingly calm you down. This is the understanding of
the mind.
Understanding
should not be solely based on your confidence that 'it will be so and so'.
Understanding means that you have an accurate knowledge of the fundamental
nature and the truth of the mind. And being considerate means that you put your
understanding into practice and use words, actions, and facial expressions that
suit the nature and reality of the partner in order to make the partner feel
comforted and happy.
You
have the wrong concepts of understanding and consideration. What you think you
understand is not really understanding, and what you think you did as a show of
consideration is not really considerate. The correct understanding and
consideration are referred to as love. You only need to love. From now on, try
to use the diagrams in this book to analyze your children's and spouse's words,
actions and facial expressions. Then, you will realize this remarkable fact
that you are in a close relationship or love relationship with your spouse,
children, parents, family members.
You
need to contemplate on the reason why you always fight with your loved ones. It
is because you don't have any clue about the principle of mind and psychology.
If you know it accurately, you will understand and won’t get wounded. If
something bad, stressful, or wounding happened to you, you can use the diagram
and apply it to you and your partner's words, actions and facial expressions.
This practice has a remarkable healing effect. It is very important to you
because this healing effect is the treatment of feelings.
Now,
you know that your children's and spouse's words, actions and facial
expressions are not important. When you feel a little frustrated, tired,
depressed, annoyed, or angry, you should draw the diagram and apply it to all
the words, actions, and facial expressions. It will result in an interesting
phenomenon; you and your partner's mind and psychology will be analyzed. Sometimes it seems like everyone except you is living
harmoniously and happily. But have you loved and lived with these people by
mutually interacting through body and mind? Are you and those people in a love
relationship in which you perceive consciously and express unconsciously? Even
those people that seem so happy may not actually be that happy in reality. How
can they be happy when they don't know the principle of mind and psychology?
Understanding cannot be done without the principle. They are just suppressing
and enduring their wounds patiently while showing the veneer of a happy couple
to others.
Especially, the most pathetic and miserable type of people are those who say, "There is not much to this life. Just enjoy the ride.", "Let's just have fun.", "Why so serious? You only live once." And pursue fun and pleasure only. This type of woman has wounds that are so severe that they dissociated themselves from the wounds and do not remember them, which is called 'dissociation'. This is also named as 'the dissociation from feelings' and is a type of psychological disorder. For women, "the dissociation from feelings" removes one's feelings and causes the pursuit of positive moods, fun, and pleasure. It is the worst kind of life you can have because maternal love disappears which leaves only the fun and pleasure of sex for one's body and mind. Love and happiness become impossible in life. Eventually, these women inflict wounds on everyone around them, but they live with their psychological disorder without realizing their harmful effects on others.
Apply for free consultation on psychological problems
No comments:
Post a Comment