The husband is stressed by the wife's speech and actions expressed in negative ways, and the wife develops wounds by perceiving the husband's speech and actions expressed in negative ways. When the two have conversations, it is natural that they necessarily exchange thoughts and emotions associated with their stress and wounds. The husband will keep perceiving stressful information through conversations and respond to stress expressing negatively, and the wife will retrieve wounds from all her life and express them negatively.
Then, how could they proceed toward recovery rather than toward aggravation? Many people advise couples to put themselves in the other's shoes, which sounds pretty rational but is almost impossible to be put into practice. Men do not store emotions in memory, so are not able to retrieve negative emotions from memory as women do. Women retrieve all negative emotions stored in memory for their whole life and are not able to retrieve only facts of the past not relating them with emotions as men do. It is impossible for the husband and the wife to put themselves in the other's position and think and feel as their partner does in real life situations. In addition, individuals' thoughts and emotions are formed only based on their unique memories and unique life experiences. No one else can even imagine how you feel and what you think let alone putting themselves in your position.
What you must do is not putting yourself in your counterparty's position and vice versa, but accurately understanding the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology. In case of men, the most positive input is perceived as stress when they are already in a stressful situation. In case of women, positive input helps recovery even when they are suffering from wounds in memory, but then, women's wounds expand the moment the input is perceived as stress. It is crucial to understand that males' and females' minds operate in completely different ways.
Conflicts and confrontations simply get aggravated as the couple keep having conversations without understanding the operational mechanism of mind and psychology. Men will activate stress more and more connecting stress and facts of the past, and women will activate wounds more and more retrieving all the wounds stored in memory. The first and the foremost thing to do in conflict situations in marriage relationship is to stop having conversations. Then, each partner needs to heal stress and treat wounds separately before they can resume conversations with a positive emotional state. Adopting this strategy will raise the probability of reaching recovery of relationship in a great deal.
When spouse infidelity occurs, attempting conversations between the straying partner, who has relationship addiction, and the victimized partner, who has post traumatic stress, is like pouring oil on the flame. You must stop having conversations and recover yourselves separately by treating relationship addiction and post traumatic stress in order to restore a happy marriage relationship.
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