Q. I got a divorce 10 years ago. Recently, my ex-husband contacted me and asked for remarriage, which makes me quite perplexed. Children and I do not want remarriage but my ex-husband keeps pushing his idea.
A. Your case is not an uncommon one. Your ex-husband has lived as he pleases for the last 10 years, and suddenly realized that you are raising children without seeing another man. Now, he may feel that you look like a new woman to him. Also, he has the habit as your husband from the previous marriage, which makes him feel as if he were still your husband. He may do things to earn your heart and ask you for forgiveness for his past wrongdoings. He will say that he is a different man now and he will be really nice to you and children. He may go further by visiting you if you respond to him in any positive way and even act like a real husband and father.
It is no wonder you are perplexed upon his unexpected and irrational behaviors. He is likely to take every action of yours as a positive response thinking in his own ways as he did before divorce. This phenomenon is caused by him not having transformed his psychology from that of marriage into that of divorce even in all these years. He is likely to show similar behavioral patterns that he showed during your marriage life now and after remarriage.
He may actually think that you are willing to remarry anytime he wants. He wasn't thinking about remarriage when he was immersed into his own life after divorce, but somehow he does now. He may have some specific purpose of remarriage. It is almost guaranteed that you and your children will go back to the time you had all kinds of difficulties before divorce if you get back together with him. You are also considered to be in danger of going through diverse problems when you adamantly reject his suggestion of remarriage.
The fact that children oppose to your remarriage indicates that your ex-husband and your children have not had a good relationship so far. It is likely that your ex-husband did not contact children or took a good care of them as a father before and after divorce. Or, they may have negative perception of their father since you yourself did not transform your psychology of marriage into that of divorce and kept infusing his negative image into children all these years.
Regardless of your children's opinions, you are likely to go back to unhappy marriage when you get back together with your ex-husband who seems to have distorted ideas and an unstable psychological state. You may experience even worse marriage relationship than your first one. As he continues pushing his ideas of remarriage onto you, he may display abusive language and even violence. The present situation also indicates that his psychological condition is so severe that he is desperately looking for a place for his rest disregarding your ideas and emotions.
It is certainly not a good time to remarry your ex-husband. Your husband may react with rage when you bluntly reject his suggestion, so you need to be strategic and soft in your expression of refusal. You can ask him for some time for thinking or make some plausible excuses for not being able to get back together right now. Then, you must treat your psychological wounds and transform your psychology into that of a divorced person. The fact that your husband is proposing remarriage indicates that you still remain to be in the same unhealthy psychological condition as you were during your first marriage, which gave him a signal that it might be OK for him to approach you.
When you restore healthy psychology and live a happy life with your children, your ex-husband cannot even think about approaching you and propose remarriage. It does not mean that you should never remarry your ex-husband. It is just that it is not the right timing and neither of you are in the right psychological condition for remarriage. When you cannot deal with the present situation wisely, your ex-husband may keep pushing for his ideas and even begin stalking you. It is crucial for you to restore healthy psychology not to be pushed around by your ex-husband and put yourself and children in danger.
When you restore healthy psychology and build the psychology of a divorced person, you will be able to see clearly whether remarriage is good or not for you and your children.