Q. There is a man I want to marry, but I don't feel close to his 11-year-old daughter and I am worried that I will not become a good mother for her. I gave up the custody of my own child because I was not so good at raising children. Would it be OK for me to remarry?
A. When you are nice to the child, the child will respond positively, and then you will feel close to the child and become confident of rearing the child well. It seems that you cannot maneuver smoothly for the process and you don't have the confidence on child rearing.
Firstly, you must accurately analyze your idea that you were not good at rearing your own child. You may have been a very good mother but your psychological difficulties may have made you think that it is hard to raise a child. You may be connecting the fact that you gave up the custody of your own child with the current situation, and have the sense of guilt leading to the lack of confidence.
Secondly, you must analyze the psychological conditions of yours and the man you want to marry. Women usually like everything that is associated with the man they want to marry. Your reluctance to raise your future husband's child indicates that your psychology, your future husband's psychology, or your relationship has some problems.
It is important that you and your future husband restore healthy psychology before you get married. You also need to restore a healthy relationship with your own child, who is being taken care of by your ex-husband. Then, you must be able to evaluate your future husband from an objective perspective. You must also accurately analyze how he has become to raise his daughter by himself.
You must recover yourself and lead your future husband to recover himself in order to have a healthy marriage relationship. You can raise his daughter confidently and restore the relationship with your own child when you have a healthy psychological condition.
Actually, if you did not even have the sense of guilt and not care about your own child at all, but really liked the future husband's daughter, it would indicate that you like his daughter in order to be loved by the man, which is a more serious psychological condition. Then, you will become to hate his daughter after you get married thinking that his daughter is causing problems in your marriage and your life. The fact that you feel guilty about not taking a good care of your own child and you feel distant to your future husband's daughter is a sign that at least, you are not in the worst psychological condition yet.
The most important thing to do now is to restore your own healthy psychology. You must also lead your future husband to build his own healthy psychology. Then, you will be able to build a healthy and happy family. It is recommended that you do not take the face value of your ideas to make important practical decisions in life since the symmetry of psychology is always at work and what you perceive may not be all there is to the phenomena.
Please, apply for Free Consultation on Remarriage provided by KIP for more detailed analysis of psychology and guidelines for happiness.
Korea Institute of Psycho-education : http://www.uip.ac/