[Mother Therapy] Dependency in children and teenagers

 

There's an old saying that goes, ‘Habits formed at age three stay with you to age eighty.’ This means that psychological habits formed during childhood and adolescence are with us for life. Children and adolescents have the right to be safe and have the right to form healthy psychological habits. What does the future hold for children and adolescents if healthy psychological habits are not formed and dependency habits are formed?

     Dependency is the habit of relying on the words and actions of others. Children and adolescents who have developed habits of dependency are likely to follow the words and actions of others. They may grow up to be good children who listen to their parents, teachers, and other adults. They don't have confidence in their own words and actions, so they tolerate by following others rather than asserting themselves.

      Children and adolescents develop dependency when their caregivers are overprotective, coercive, controlling, or interfering. Children and adolescents form healthy psychological habits through trial and error by solving problems and recovering from them on their own. However, if they lose the right to form healthy psychological habits and others recognize their trial and error as a problem and always solve the problem for them, they are unable to form their own healthy psychological habits.

As a result, they feel comfortable only living the way others want them to live, so they do what others tell them to do. As a result, they form the habit of being dependent on others. Once you have developed this habit of dependency, you're not only dependent on your caregivers, but on everyone else in your life. This can lead to a lifetime of struggle without developing self-directed relational habits, emotional habits, and thinking habits.

      In order to correct dependency habits in children and adolescents, caregivers need to understand the rights of children and adolescents to be kept safe and to form healthy psychological habits, and to apply the right parenting methods to help children and adolescents form healthy psychological habits. In particular, when addressing psychological habits in children and adolescents as well as in adults, self-help methods that do not involve psychological counseling are necessary because psychological counseling can aggravate psychological habits.

By applying the right parenting method or self-help method, children and adolescents will form their own healthy relational habits, emotional habits, and thinking habits while preventing or eliminating dependency habits. They will also form their own stress healing habits, wound treating habits, and problem-solving habits. Korea Institute of Psycho-education helps children and adolescents form healthy psychological habits by providing Mother Therapy, Father Therapy, and self-help programs such as Youth Mind Training and KIP Mind Training.

                                 https://youtu.be/ZwQ0u1t_kII?si=K6ck1CFOYMYxWb_w

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[Mother Therapy] Rights and responsibilities of children and teenagers

 

Childhood and adolescence are periods of psychological development during which children and adolescents are kept healthy and safe, and form psychological habits that enable them to pursue self-actualization as adults. While adults have the right to self-actualization and the pursuit of happiness, and must take responsibility for their own self-actualization, children and adolescents have only the right to be healthy, safe, and protected, and to form psychological habits for self-actualization in their future. In this process, the responsibility that comes with rights must be taken by parents, schools, society, and the state, and responsibility should not be placed on children and adolescents alone.

       In particular, children and adolescents go through a lot of trial and error in their psychological development and the formation of psychological habits. Parents and caregivers are primarily responsible for the problems that arise during this trial and error process. Parents and caregivers need to know how to parent and how to solve problems so that they can help their children and teens solve problems. If parents and guardians don't take responsibility, then schools and teachers, or society and the state, must take responsibility. Most importantly, parents and guardians, schools and teachers, and society and the state must have accurate knowledge about human bodies, minds, sexuality, relationships, and the pursuit of meaning and value in life.

      When parents and guardians, schools and teachers, society and the state do not know this, they may take away children’s and teenagers’ rights for adults’ selfish  purposes and make children and teenagers be responsible for problems. Holding children and young people responsible for their mistakes, they may tell children and teenagers that they should be able to do it themselves because adults have already taught them, telling children they did the best they could, or telling them that adults are not responsible. In the end, children and teenagers are harmed, and they grow up feeling victimized, competitive, resentful, and angry, and develop distorted psychological habits in mimind about responsibilities and rights. When these children and teens grow up and become adults, they carry these distorted psychological habits with them for the rest of their lives.

                               https://youtu.be/hfcT2h2mcd4?si=UgQHuF04ISTPyaRG

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[Mother Therapy] Adopting computer games in education

 

There are many attempts to apply computer game rewards and goals to children's education, but does it work? First of all, children's education is all about knowledge and creativity. If you apply game rewards and goals to education, it may be effective for knowledge education, but creativity is difficult to be formed.

      Creativity is built through trial and error based on the person's own experience, so if you only study knowledge with set rules, creativity will not be formed. To foster creativity, we need to create a safe environment that encourages children to struggle and solve problems through a variety of trial-and-error approaches to problem solving.

      If children get into the habit of studying through computer games, they'll be good at acquiring knowledge, but they won't learn how to study on their own. You have to create your own problem-solving skills by looking through many books and other resources, asking and answering questions to solve problems. Acquiring knowledge is important, but creativity is formed through trial and error.

                                 https://youtu.be/TO1---bp0D4?si=Rif2XkKXTsHN-DYg

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[Mother Therapy] Parents who ruin their children's lives

 

When a child has a problem, it's understandably difficult for parents, but they try to solve their child's problem no matter what. In most cases, parents are greatly helpful in solving their child's problems, but in some cases, they're ruining their child's life.         

Let's take a look at two cases of how parents can ruin their children's lives. The first is when a parent ruins their child's life because they have serious psychological problems of their own. This is when a child has a problem, but the parent abandons or neglects their child because they are having a hard time with their own life and don't want to deal with their child's problem. 

In this case, most of the child's problems are actually caused by parental indifference, neglect, abuse, violence, etc. Children are then unable to turn to the parent for help when they get into trouble with themselves, school, friends, or others. If parents themselves have psychological problems, they must either take Mother Therapy so that they can create habits of healing themselves and enjoy raising their children, or they must do Mother Therapy in combination with KIP Mind Training so that they can restore healthy mind and build habits of healing and happiness, and also enjoy raising their children. Then, parents will have the ability to solve all of their children's problems, and they will be able to live a happy life while raising their children, and their children will be raised safely and healthily.

      The second is when a parent's inability to solve their child's problems ruins their child's life. This is usually the case when a parent has tried many ways to solve their child's problems, but the child's problems persist or worsen, or when they solve one problem and another problem arises, and they are convinced that there is nothing they can do to solve their child's problems. They may think that they have done their best, and eventually they may give up trying to solve their child's problems.

      In this case, the child's problem gets worse and worse, and the parent feels helpless, blaming self or other people, and the family breaks down. The first step to take in such a case is to find the right way to solve the child's problem. Maybe the solution was wrong, or the parent was applying the solution incorrectly. In solving the child's problems, the parent must help the child to solve the problem on his or her own, and  raise the child in a safe and healthy environment so that both the parent and the child can live happily.

                                      https://youtu.be/xfvis1icCaE?si=aIdMBQALtMjq901t

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[Mother Therapy] Children and teens running away from home

 

Many children and adolescents run away from home, and many become victims or perpetrators of incidents after they run away. Whatever the situation, it is important to know exactly why children and adolescents run away, to address the issues and causes of running away, and to prevent them from running away.

     Children or adolescents may run away because their relationship with their parents or caregivers has become problematic and they feel they are being harmed and are convinced that they can no longer be kept safe by their parents or caregivers. Or they may run away because stress and wounds are always occurring at home but they are unable to heal themselves or deal with them, and are convinced that they can no longer bear it. It is very likely that neglect, abuse, or violence against the child or youth has occurred during this process.

      When a child or adolescent runs away, it is a dramatic change in life. First, running away from home is not a natural part of the process of forming psychological habits, but it is likely to cause psychological problems in them. Second, children and adolescents lose both the right to be safely protected and the right to form healthy psychological habits. Third, they must pursue the rights of their own happiness, happiness in relationships, and values of life, also taking responsibility for them like adults.

A serious problem is that psychological habits that can take on the rights and responsibilities of self-actualization have not been fully formed, and because they have problems of psychological habits, many people who meet them after running away can take advantage of them. As a result, they feel that their thoughts before running away and the reality after running away are very different, but they do not want to go back to the state before running away, and they end up living as perpetrators or victims of accidents and crimes after running away.

The best thing that can be done is to prevent children and youth from running away in the first place. To prevent them from running away, we need to keep them safe, help them develop habits of healing stress or treating wounds, and help them develop habits of conflict resolution, and help them grow while forming habits of relationship, habits of emotions, and habits of thoughts.

However, if a child or adolescent has already run away, the following steps should be taken: First, the child or adolescent must be helped by a facility, institution, or organization that can keep the child or adolescent safe; second, the child or adolescent must be helped to treat their own problems of psychological habits; third, the parent or caregiver must be able to help the child or youth develop healthy psychological habits while keeping them safe. The fourth is to help prevent runaways by addressing the issues of relationship, emotions, and thoughts that led to the runaway. This way, the runaway can learn how to deal with the issues, develop stress-healing or wound-treating habits, and develop healthy psychological habits through trial and error.

                                https://youtu.be/e-bC7cLWzf4?si=s-t_wle4cBMLLF6S

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[Mother Therapy] Making your child be interested in school work

      First of all, parents must let children understand that happiness and having knowledge are not related. Children become to believe that they should be good at school work to be happy when they are pressed for studying hard by parents and teachers. Then, they can encourage children to work hard for school work because they need basic knowledge and ability to be able to do things they want when they become adults. It is also wrong that parents tell children they don’t have to study if they are not interested in.  

Children learn many things in the process of working hard for school work. It is a firsthand experience for learning how to manage their time and effort, how to adapt themselves to different situations, and how to make use of their cognition and metacognition for doing tasks. Having knowledge and basic abilities is a necessary part in having a good life. Of course, happiness is more important than academic achievement.

As children connect being happy and being good at school work, they become to feel stressed and unhappy, and don’t like studying. When they understand that being happy and being good at school work are unrelated with each other, they may not feel stressed and begin to show interest in school work. When they feel too stressed about having to study to be happy, they may develop psychological problems. When children understand being happy is more important and they have stable psychology, they will naturally start studying subjects they like without feeling burdened or stressed.

                          https://youtu.be/APBD19d0Nvk?si=NK32nHDvwlzC3-Vt

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[Mother Therapy] Children grow making trials and errors

 

Children make many trials and errors since they don’t have many experiences in most things. They don’t have the ability to solve problems since they lack knowledge and information. They form their own standards about what is right and what is wrong by making many trials and errors. They can build basic abilities to solve problems as they keep trying to solve even small problems on their own. It is only natural that they experience failure from time to time.

However, when parents solve all the problems for children, or parents force their own standards in solving children’s problems, children cannot have opportunities to solve problems on their own, and they can’t form their own standards. Lacking experiences of trying to solve problems means lacking abilities to solve problems. Then, they experience difficulties with addressing stress and wounds and pursuing self-actualization when they become adults.

       Children have only the right to grow with healthy body and mind in a safe environment, and they don’t have the responsibility for making trials and errors. When children try to do something on their own, adults must protect them and encourage them to go on with making trials and errors. They will naturally develop abilities to solve problems in this process.

                                  https://youtu.be/TDfYQdYKo74?si=AU8IeKn4V8DhhNwi

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[Mother Therapy] I don’t have passion because my parents are too strict.

 

Some people argue that they don’t have passion for anything due to their parents who are too strict. They say that they lose their passion so easily because they are always monitored and interrupted by their parents. What can they do to develop and maintain their own passion?  

They seem to justify themselves blaming their parents for their lack of passion. They blame their parents for their own difficult circumstance. The fact that they don’t have passion is only their own problem. Passion is formed in the process of  making efforts to solve problems on their own.

When you don’t have any experience of solving problems on your own, you may try to avoid the problem or blame other people. Of course, you can’t develop passion in this way. You must make efforts with your own will power if you want to develop passion. You may develop stress when things don’t progress as you wish. As you keep making efforts with even stronger will power, you can overcome stress and develop passion in the process.

      People who blame parents for lacking passion usually avoid the problems and try to stay where they are instead of making efforts. They blame other people and the society as well as their parents even when they become adults and pursue self-actualization for meanings and values of life. If you feel that you lack passion for your life, you can start thinking about what you want in life and what you are interested in. If you can’t find anything that interests you right now, you can take some time looking for what you are interested in.

      You should never blame yourself or other people for lacking passion. You can just wait until you find passion looking for what you are interested in. As you keep making efforts with strong will power, you will definitely find what you want to do in life and naturally develop passion.

                                 https://youtu.be/4GEnGER4-EE?si=dzNYfwaF6y5y2BUm

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[Mother Therapy] Parents who put themselves first?

 

Most parents prioritize their children over themselves. Some parents may seem to put themselves first on the surface, but it is likely that they only seem so. They may just think that the most important role of parents is to support children by providing necessities of life such as food, clothing, and shelter and a safe environment. They may also think that children also have their role of doing well at school and staying healthy.

      When all family members accord with the basic premise and faithfully play their roles, parents don’t have to pay attention to children for every single matter of daily life. Then, parents may choose to focus on their own life or activities by themselves. They may seem to be neglecting their children but all family members are actually living happily without meddling unnecessarily.   

      There is a saying, ‘Too much is as bad as too little’. Children may develop psychological problems when parents pay attention to them and meddle excessively under the disguise of love and sacrifice out of their own fear and anxiety. Such parents tend to demand their children to follow parents’ standards and satisfy parents’ desire.   What appears to be normal or abnormal on the surface may not show the underlying mechanism that regulates the family structure. What we can be sure is that parents must be happy and healthy first for children to become happy and healthy.

                                       https://youtu.be/2C1BxK4COPA?si=zntBICZsDanIDrUE

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[Mother Therapy] The teacher’s role in the child’s psychological development

 

The presence of the teacher in the classroom at school is important. The absence of the teacher means that children do not have the standard to compare with and follow. Children under 12 years old are in the phase of adaptation to relationships. They have to learn how to form and manage relationships not only with friends who are their own age but also with adults who can be good role models.

Children who are over 12 years old are in the phase of formation of self-identity. They have to learn how to establish self-identity and prepare themselves to be adults interacting with and being guided by adult role models.

      There are some classroom experiments where children study and interact among themselves with only a minimum level of teacher guidance as a facilitator. It doesn’t seem to be problematic from the perspective of knowledge learning in the sense that this type of learning system encourages students’ active participation.

      However, the teacher’s role cannot be emphasized too much in promoting healthy development of child psychology since the teacher becomes the standard with which children can look at the world they will experience as adults in the future. Teachers should be able to protect and guide children to freely make trials and errors and build their own thought standards making reference to the teacher as their role model. Interaction with friends and interaction with teachers are equally important in school life.

      Minimizing the role of the teacher in the classroom may negatively affect psychological development of children by limiting the opportunity to be engaged in interactions with teachers in the classroom. Then, children may have to learn anew how to adapt themselves to relationships and form self-identity as adults, which will be much more difficult than they do as children.

      Adults who fear new environments and new tasks tend to be the ones who were less interactive at school with friends and teachers even though they were good at accumulating knowledge. They can learn adapting themselves to new environments as adults making trials and errors but adults have to take full responsibility for each and every action they take. Please, remember that teachers are important people for children’s healthy psychological development.

                                  https://youtu.be/ASEmNHr42rA?si=ZHJ8tIJuCfVIhzBk

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[Mother Therapy] Why would parents neglect or abuse children?

 

Many young people fall in love, get married, and have children. They feel so happy when their children are born. They do their best to raise their children with health and happiness. Then, why do so many parents ignore or abuse their own children? Why do so many children have behavioral problems and don’t like their parents and family and even try to leave home before they become adults?

Many parents justify their abusive behaviors saying that they are just disciplining children. Many parents justify their negligence saying that they are so busy with their career or with putting food on the table. They may complain that they are poor, they are tired, or they have difficult children. They are overwhelmed with all the work. They say they don’t know how else they can manage. It must be understood that they are just justifying their ideas and behaviors.

 As parents become happy inside themselves regardless of their external circumstances, they can feel happy raising children and share happiness with children. Then, children’s psychological or behavioral problems will disappear. When parents develop psychological problems and disorders, they cannot but ignore or abuse their children since they are affected by their distorted operation of perception, memory, and expression.

As parents take KIP treatment or psycho-education to restore their own psychological stability and adopt Mother Therapy to adopt right parenting strategies, both parents and children will become happy and all the problems will disappear naturally.  

                          https://youtu.be/BaDNdvuzi6I?si=qJrEN3crw6dZTfqJ

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