[Mother Therapy] Children need to learn both competition and cooperation.

 

 A field day or a sports day is an exciting event like a festival for most children and parents. However, some children may feel they don’t want to participate because they are not good at sports and they don’t like being in competition with others. Being considerate of such children, some schools organize the field day with less competitive sports and emphasize cooperation over competition.

      An example is the relay race. It is a highly popular sport where players need both the spirit of cooperation and competition. It used to be highlighted as the most exciting sport on the field day and the best runners were chosen to represent each group. Viewers would cheer with all their might and express disappointment and joy according to the result.

Unfortunately, some schools have excluded the relay race claiming that it causes too much stress and anxiety in students. They think that cooperation is more important than competition, but emphasizing cooperation over competition lowers motivation and enthusiasm for participation. Also. Students lose the opportunity to learn how to respect other competitors when they win or lose.

       Discouraging competition and encouraging only cooperation in children’s life may have unexpected adverse effects by depriving them of opportunity to experience diverse circumstances and learn how to deal with them. Children must make trials and errors through as diverse experiences as possible under the protection of family and society to form healthy psychology. Parents and teachers must accurately understand psychological development of children and provide safe environment.

                                  https://youtu.be/lFud6iDd4ko?si=u29ZS9xtlw4PSoUt

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[Mother Therapy] A necessary phase of development: Adolescence

 

Many parents experience difficulties in raising teenagers. They may feel as if every day were like a battle, as if they were stepping on thin ice or they were swimming in a chaotic sea. Parents who have younger children may fear the future when their own children will become teenagers listening to other parents who have teenage children. The teenage years are even called the stormy period of adolescence.

      It is understandable that parents of teenage children go through a difficult time, but you should also understand that teenagers go through a difficult time making trials and errors and figuring out about their identity and their own thought standards. Teenage years can be difficult time for both parents and children but it is a necessary and crucial phase of psychological development of children. Both parents and children can take advantage of this period as an opportunity to work for growth and development.

You may feel bewildered or lost upon facing your children’s unexpected responses and behaviors. However, you can change your perspective on the period of adolescence and provide support and safe environment for teenagers to explore and grow in. Teenagers usually want attention from parents but they don’t want parents to meddle with what they do since they are trying to build their own thought standards through their own experience and knowledge.

When parents accurately understand the psychological development of children and adopt right parenting strategies, both parents and children can become happy, sharing every moment of children’s growth period without developing conflicts. Such parents know that teenage children’s trials and errors are necessary part of their psychological development, and can provide the right kind of help and advice without being worried or anxious. Then, teenagers can also become happy and grow and flourish in the safe environment.

                                  https://youtu.be/l2_1LUFzM3w?si=rAyNzGwfIEeqJHsv

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[Mother Therapy] Different positions of adults and teenagers

 

      Many teenagers think that adults don’t understand them and adults say that they can’t understand teenagers. Why would adults and teenagers have different positions in so many matters? The biggest difference between adults and teenagers is that adults have already established their thought standards and self-identity and teenagers are still in the process of forming thought standards and self-identity. Their psychology is developing and their habits are being formed. They have to go through diverse trials and errors before they fully establish their thought standards and self-identity.

     A 15 year-old boy has the experience and knowledge he has accumulated for 15 years. He is forming his self-identity and thought standards through each direct and indirect experience making what he likes and what he doesn’t and what is right and what is wrong clear every day. On the other hand, adults have more experience and knowledge and have already established self-identity and clear thoughts standards. They have their own way of thinking and what they accept as common sense as well as their own rules of life. They may take many things for granted with established thought standards and it is hard to think differently from their thought standards. They are likely to try to stick to their standards in interacting with other people.

     Both teenagers and adults get stress and wounds when their thought standards are not met and equally feel they can’t understand the counterparty. Adults may think that they are guiding teenagers with earnest and caring mind, but teenagers may feel that they are forced to think and act differently from their own thought standards, which may lead to conflicts between adults and teenagers.

     Adults must understand that teenagers are still in the process of development and they are forming self-identity and thought standards making trials and errors, which may look clumsy and irrational to adults’ eyes. Adults must try to provide teenagers with safe environments where they can explore and try as many things as possible to build healthy psychology. Teenagers must understand that adults and teenagers are different and anyone can have stress and wounds when their thought standards are violated.

                                https://youtu.be/0vdSH13kTWY?si=DaQcYowwygP63Xie

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[Mother Therapy] Young children who refuse to go to school

 

What can you do when your seven or eight year-old child plays well at home, but refuses to go to school saying school is no fun. You sure must feel worried and anxious not knowing what to do. If you ask her why she doesn’t go to school, she may say she doesn’t like her teacher or friends, or say it’s just no fun.  

      Children in the ages from 5 to 12 are in the phase of adaptation to relationships. They act and react differently based on their perception of individual relationships. They feel the most difficulty when they find adapting themselves to relationships. Especially, younger children from the age of 5 to 8 may feel that school life is difficult because they don’t have good relationships with teachers and friends. In this situation, parents must try to help children form and maintain good relationships with teachers and friends instead of trying to find problems elsewhere, such as the child’s psychological condition itself or the teacher’s personality.

      You should never approach the issue in the same way as you deal with problems of teenagers or adults, who act and react based on their own thought standards in a rational way. You should never say to a 7 year-old boy, “You must understand that home and school are different. You must follow the rules at school and listen to your teacher.” The boy may vaguely understand what the parent says, but he will keep feeling nervous and anxious at school since he doesn’t have good relationships with people at school.

        You must never blame the teachers or other people, either. When your child says, “My teacher doesn’t like me. He always scolds me,” you shouldn’t say, “You teacher is weird. Why does he always scold you? He is not a good teacher.” You must figure out exactly what is going on instead of responding only based on your child’s argument. You may first contact the teacher and learn what the problem can be. Parents and teachers must work together to help children form and maintain healthy relationships with people they meet until they fully develop skills to manage relationships with diverse types of people on their own.  

      The prerequisite condition is for parents to have healthy and stable psychology in this process. Then, they must accurately understand the psychological development of children and adopt the right parenting strategies. As children are guided in the right direction at home and at school, children will find school fun in no time and enjoy meeting teachers and friends at school every day.  

                               https://youtu.be/ObUcQrPAvPo?si=WbkBlywhOSM95-Do

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[Mother Therapy] Healthy standards of parenting

 

Are you swayed in parenting by paying attention to other people’s opinions and advice or blaming some external situations or other people for difficulties in parenting? It is easy to be swayed by other people’s words or advice even when you are doing so well in parenting when you don’t accurately understand what is important in parenting. You may also keep changing parenting strategies losing consistency and causing problems in children.

      Other people’s words or advice come from their own life experiences, which are all different and unique for everyone. They may apply their own thought standards instead of the fundamental operational mechanism of human mind and psychology and of children’s psychological development.  

     Of course, you can ask others for advice during parenting but you should be able to make your own judgment based on your own thought standards and take full responsibility for your decision. You should never be swayed by other people’s opinions or advice.  

     Many parents refer to information they learn through other parents’ examples or social or mass media for parenting strategies. When they have healthy standards on parenting, they will base their own standards for adopting and applying whatever they and their children need.  However, when you don’t have your own standards for parenting, you will keep following others’ examples disregarding your and your children’s circumstance and keep being swayed by every external information you encounter on the way. You may end up blaming other people or some external sources when problems occur.

      Every parent and every child are different and unique. Their circumstances and environments are all different. It is only natural that you will end up experiencing difficulties in parenting when you adopt this and that famous or fancy looking strategies without your own standards. It is crucial for parents to accurately understand how children develop psychologically until they become adults and adopt the right parenting strategies that suit their situation. When you have healthy standards of parenting, you will be able to discern specific parenting strategies that you can successfully adopt and help your children flourish.  

                         https://youtu.be/YM7EStBD4D8?si=GPvRyoqxlh_whnck

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[Mother Therapy] Choosing their own path and finding their own way

 

When do you get yourself immersed into tasks and do your best? Is it when you are told to do so or when you are expected to do so by other people? Probably not. We usually get ourselves readily immersed into the tasks when we do something because we really like it. Then, we can naturally develop abilities and become good at it.

Most parents want their teenage children to build skills and abilities they can use in their career when they become adults. Some parents may want their children to study hard for academic achievement for better future. Parents usually understand that skills and abilities they build in the teenage years may not lead them to succeed in the adulthood, but they still want their children to be good at what they do. Parents want children to build basic abilities at least, out of their own fear and the sense of uncertainty.

When children feel that they are forced or pressured to do something against their own will, they are naturally stressed and their performance level only goes down. They also become to relate the specific activity with stress as such incidents are repeated. On the other hand, when they get immersed into something because they like it, they may spend hours without realizing the pass of time and reinforce passion and happiness. They will relate the specific activity with happy feelings and achieve good results.

You may think that such positive cases are rare and we just have to do what we have to do to achieve things in reality. However, the fact is that children will naturally look for what they want and what they are good at when they have healthy and stable psychology under the protection and support of parents who also have healthy and stable psychology. They will make efforts to achieve their own goals without having to be forced or pressured. Of course, they will be active and do their best in whatever they choose to do and they can build good habits that can last for their whole life time by repeating this process throughout the teenage years. They will not be disappointed that much even when the result is not good enough since they did it because they liked it. Please, remember that parents’ role is to provide a safe and healthy environment where children can choose their own path and find their own way making trials and errors.

              https://youtu.be/vdvul0DuYMY?si=LvOV_1DMaySqv9X2

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[Mother Therapy] When your child has conflicts with the teacher

 

Hello, everyone. Children in the phase of adaptation to relationships and the phase of formation of self-identity are supposed to be under the protection of family and build basic abilities and healthy psychology going through the teenage years. They also acquire knowledge and skills, learn right characters, and learn how to manage human relationships at school. Parents are in charge of taking care of children at home and teachers are in charge at home. Sometimes, children develop conflicts in the relationship with teachers at school.

When children are in the phase of adaptation to relationships, which generally covers from the age 5 to 13, their psychological development is centered around human relationships. They may dislike school and refuse to go to school just because they don’t like their teachers. On the other hand, children in the phase of formation of self, which covers from the age 13 to 19, they are building their own thought standards, so they try to figure out what is right and wrong and specifically and logically express their ideas about conflicts with their teachers. They may become rebellious when they are asked to do what seems irrational or absurd from their point of view even though teachers have authority at school. Understanding why things are the way they are based on their own thought standards is important for children in this phase.

      For example, a teacher who is 30 years old thinks and acts based on the unique experience and knowledge of 30 years. A teenager who is 15 years old thinks and acts based on the unique experience and knowledge of 15 years. It is unlikely that adult teachers and teenagers have similar thought standards. It would be ideal if teachers are understanding and considerate enough to manage the relationship with teenagers well, but what can parents do when children already have developed conflicts with their teachers?

When your teenage daughter says, “I can’t understand my teacher, and you say,” You just have to listen to your teacher. She should know better than you do,” your daughter may think that she cannot understand both you and her teacher and decides to stop talking to you about the matter. On the other hand, if you listen to your daughter’s thought in detail first and say, ”Your idea is right from your point of view,” and discuss further in a rational way why the teacher would have talked and acted that way from the teacher’s point of view, your daughter understand the matter better and will not be stressed any more when she meets her teacher the next day.

      Parents can guide children to understand that teachers can have different view points and opinions based on their unique life experiences and knowledge. Many children will feel better and deal with conflictual situations better when they understand what is going on from their own perspective. Mother’s role is especially important for healthy growth of children. Mothers should accurately understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology including developmental phases of child psychology and adopt right parenting strategies for their children to help them build healthy habits of psychology.  

                                 https://youtu.be/W5lRvOg-biA?si=ZB2IpzUS93mrfEOd

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[Mother Therapy] A very important ability: Finding an easy way

 

Are you worried that your child is always looking for an easy way to solve problems and tries to stay in a comfort zone? Actually, the ability to find an easy way is an important ability. Children who seek easy ways tend to look for fun and pleasurable ways to do things and try new things in every situation.

      To find an easy way to solve diverse problems, you need to be able to analyze the situation correctly and keep thinking on their own to find a new way. You must be creative and adventurous. Children can actually develop problem solving abilities in the process.

      Children may be caught finding an easy way to deal with the situation by their parents and teachers. Then, they have to find another new way to do things in their own way from a different perspective not to get caught again. They may keep making trials and errors and develop thinking ability and problem-solving ability.

The ability to find an easy way and to stay in a comfort zone may be important in their social life when they become adults. They can be adaptable and flexible in their work and make good results in what they do since they keep being innovative and keep trying new things. They are more likely to make a greater achievement than people who just follow the instructions.

      It is natural for parents to get worried about children who seem out of control and stick out because they hardly follow the rules. It is necessary to stop children from doing dangerous things or things that may harm other people or themselves. However, trying to find an easy way itself is not something that should be stopped completely since it has a lot of positive effects in children’s psychological development. If your children seem to fit this type, you can think that they are creative and imaginative and always try to find their own way to deal with the situations. Please, keep in mind that parents’ healthy perspective can promote children’s healthy growth.

                                    https://youtu.be/hJAZt-cQrPU?si=AZipT4lEBWZYGnzo 

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[Mother Therapy] Keeping balance between facts and emotions in parenting

 

How much of your emotions do you believe to be true? Emotions you feel are definitely reflected in your decisions and actions, but making expressions or taking actions only based on your emotions may result in diverse problems. Either positive emotions or negative emotions can be obstacles against your judgments and actions.

      Correct thinking is crucial in making decisions and solving problems we face every day, so it is important not to be skewed emotionally in daily interactions with children. What would happen if you become overly emotional when you deal with problems in parenting? It is highly likely that you will end up having even more problems. It is not to say that being emotional is wrong in any sense. It is that depending on your emotions for parenting can create or aggravate problems.

      It is essential for parents to maintain balance between facts and emotions to be able to solve problems in parenting or any other problem. First, you should be able to distinguish facts that occur and emotions that are created inside you. Then, you must do your best to exclude your emotions in making judgments and taking actions.

To be able to do that, you must accurately understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology as well as psychological development of children and the right parenting strategies. Then, you can address the countless problems of parenting that occur day in and day out without difficulty or adverse effects. You can enjoy the happiness of being a mother and raising children. You can encourage children to make trials and errors and form healthy habits of psychology. When you feel happy as a mother, your children will absorb your happiness and feel happy themselves.

                      https://youtu.be/zIdGQw-ypy4?si=duj2hzYJV7VHetMy

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[Mother Therapy] Children who experience despair

 

When you realize that you cannot fulfill your dream anymore or you find out that your ideal and the reality are too far from each other, you may despair and want to give up on everything. You may feel depressed and lethargic suddenly and don’t want to do anything. Children can experience despair as much as adults do. Actually, Children may fall into despair over trivial things from adults’ point of view since they have only limited life experiences and limited thoughts standards.

      Parents must understand the phases of children’s psychological development and the right parenting strategies to be able to provide children with healthy environment for overcoming despair. They have to guide children to break away from negative thoughts and feelings and go back to enjoying daily activities.

When children cannot get help from parents for overcoming despair, they may keep having negative thoughts and feelings and begin to blame self and others and develop the sense of inferiority. Then, they may end up seeking attention and consolation from other people in the wrong way and seek only diversion exposing themselves to dangerous situation.

      It cannot be said that experiencing despair during childhood or teenage years has only negative effect on children. It can be a part of trials and errors children experience during growth period. It can provide them with opportunities to learn how to balance ideal and reality and form diverse thought standards. Experiencing conflicts and difficulties and overcoming them wisely through trials and errors can help children in pursuing self-actualization when they become adults. Children who do not experience any despair during growth period may have to deal with it as adults for the first time, but then, it can be more difficult and dangerous since they have to take full responsibility for their judgment and actions without any help.

      Parents must provide children with a safe environment where children can overcome despair on their own and wait for them to restore healthy psychological condition. Children are much more able and resilient than adults think. It is parents’ role to help children exercise their ability and grow to be a healthy and confident adult.

                                         https://youtu.be/WI2GtPtIRrM?si=rSM8AHiqN694QqlK

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[Mother Therapy] Preventing game addiction in teenagers

 

Hello, everyone. I am Jinhee Lee at Korea Institute of Psycho-education. Many teenagers spend too much time playing computer games or browsing the internet. When their behavior of playing games is accompanied with obsession, it can be called addiction. They cannot stand without playing computer games once they develop obsession. They feel relieved only when they play computer games and they repeat the process.  

      Your child may promise not to play the game for too long or play it only on the weekends, but he or she plays the game for too long or everyday again and again. This may or may not be the condition of addiction since you cannot tell whether it is accompanied by obsession and anxiety or not.  Some may play the game too much without obsession and anxiety.  

Playing computer games or browsing on the internet itself is not a problem. It provides fun and entertainment and we can learn a lot through the internet. However, when the behavior is in excess or fixated during teenage years, it may cause psychological problems such as addiction even in adulthoods.

        What type of children would be susceptible to developing addiction to playing games and browsing the internet? It could more easily occur in children whose family structure is weak psychologically. Their parents are likely to have psychological problems or cannot provide safe and healthy environment for children for different reasons. Then, children have to satisfy their needs through some other things such as playing computer games all the time. They replace parent’s healthy attention and nurturing with playing computer games. When children get addicted to playing computer games or browsing the internet, they cannot maintain healthy relationships with family, friends, and other people and cannot enjoy other daily activities as normal children do.

What can we do to help children not develop addiction to games or internet? The best way is to help them build the ability to control themselves and the most important thing is to help them stabilize their psychology. They can be achieved through parents stabilizing their own psychology for transferring the stability to children. Then, children can control themselves based on healthy psychology and right judgment.

      Most parents don’t understand why they keep playing computer games or browsing the internet and they just try to stop children from continuing such behaviors. This kind of approach will only make children find other things to get addicted to. Parents need to stabilize their own psychology and provide children with healthy environment where they can find what they like through trials and errors.

                                https://youtu.be/B6Gv48Stp2A?si=JuQR0krnmZ2xMlNL

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