You can become happy regardless of your marital status. It is not important what circumstance you are in at present. You may be at the lowest point of life now and it may be painful beyond description, but you can become happy again when you treat your psychological wounds and build happiness ability.
Divorce or remarriage itself does not guarantee happiness or unhappiness. You become unhappy because you avoid the underlying problems or try to solve only superficial problems. You yourself are the one who choose happiness or unhappiness, not your situation. Marital status is a neutral concept in and of itself.
We all have different and unique life experiences, and therefore, different and unique psychological operations. We all have unique ways to maneuver our journey of life and pursue happiness. Only you yourself can determine what to do with your life, so contents of free consultation on divorce and remarriage are unique for each case.
You may have access to different people's stories on divorce or remarriage and try to make reference to them to make a decision for your life. However, it is not recommended at all that you consider other people's cases in making an important decision in your life. Taking other people's cases to apply to your problems may only aggravate the situation. It is recommended that you take free consultation on divorce and remarriage in order to make a right judgment and analysis of your situation before making any major decision. You will be guided to make the right decision only for yourself with your own standard.
Many people ask me whether I have majored in psychology or medicine. I have not majored in either of them. I simply was interested in studying human mind and psychology and delved into studying the subject until I finally discovered the operational mechanism of mind and psychology and developed the Theory of Mimind and the Theory of Xesmind. I could also develop non-contact self-treatment methods of psychological disorders including post traumatic stress. Some people may think that my theories and treatment methods must not be reliable since I have no background in related fields of study, which I fully understand.
I wonder if I could have been able to develop my theories and treatment methods if I had been trained in the related fields. I also wonder why people are suffering more and more psychological problems when so many theories and treatment methods are supposed to be available and effective.
I still plan to continue with my work to improve theories and treatment methods and do my best to help people suffering from psychological problems despite all the criticisms and doubts.
There are three turning points in women's life in the pursuit of happiness. The first is when they get married, the second is when they develop post traumatic stress due to husband infidelity, and the third is when they get a divorce or are bereaved of the husband. When they get remarried, they simply go back to when they were married instead of encountering a turning point of life.
When women get married, they gain the object of love and when women get a divorce or are bereaved of the husband, they lose the object of love. In between marriage and divorce or bereavement, women may encounter post traumatic stress due to husband infidelity. When women experience post traumatic stress due to husband infidelity, they still have the object of love in reality but have lost the object of love in their mind. This condition puts women in the most excruciating psychological pain turning all her life experiences into psychological wounds and leaving no hope whatsoever for the future.
However, women can take post traumatic stress due to husband infidelity as an opportunity to reflect upon her life. Then, they can decide whether they will stay in marriage or get a divorce. Whichever they choose between the two, they must first restore healthy psychology since they cannot become happy without treating post traumatic stress whether they stay in marriage or get a divorce.
Without treating post traumatic stress, women may destroy their life and the lives of loves ones including their children regardless of marital status. Post traumatic stress activates the unconscious to operate psychology in a distorted way and makes you think and act in the way that destroys yourself and people around you. When you adequately treat post traumatic stress and build the ability for happiness, you can become much happier than when you thought you had a perfect life before you experienced post traumatic stress. You can turn the biggest crisis into the biggest opportunity by treating post traumatic stress and building happiness ability.
When the wife is suspicious of husband infidelity without evidence, she is usually accused of delusional jealousy by the husband. Then, when husband infidelity is discovered and turns out to be a fact, the wife develops a severe condition of rage and hysteria accompanied by the deep sense of despair and betrayal.
The wife develops post traumatic stress the moment she begins to suspect husband infidelity. As she keeps being suspicious and attempts diverse actions to find evidence of infidelity, her condition gets more and more aggravated. When husband infidelity is confirmed by evidence, the wife may outwardly express all her intense negative feelings in spite of herself that she has grown inside her for the whole time of suspicion. She displays irrational and explosive behaviors by the influence of the unconscious sometimes literally losing the conscious. She becomes highly unpredictable and is put under the danger of revenge affair.
Not many people know that the wife develops post traumatic stress only with suspicion even before husband infidelity is confirmed. In addition to that, the wife grows psychological wounds more and more as she stays nervous and anxious looking for evidence for the whole time of suspicion. The more stable and comfortable life the wife had before suspicion started, the more severe condition of post traumatic stress she develops upon confirming husband infidelity. Her psychology operates completely in the opposite way from the past when her life was stable, and she may display rage with explosion at its full blow without any reserve.
The condition of post traumatic stress due to husband infidelity after spending time of suspicion must never be taken lightly. It is a pity that many people still adopt only practical solutions for conditions in which the treatment of the victimized spouse is urgent. Without the treatment of psychological condition of the victimized spouse, the couples' marriage relationship and psychological conditions of both the wife and the husband will only worsen as time passes no matter what other measures are taken.
A friend of mine recently contacted me in 30 years. He said he was surprised to see me on the media and to learn that I was working in a completely different field from my major, which was computer science.
In addition, he mentioned that it would be nice for me to implement the treatment of less severe psychological conditions such as depression and addiction from which so many people are suffering. I explained to him that I definitely work for the treatment of diverse psychological conditions, but I am just more known for the treatment of conditions associated with infidelity. I also told him that people show so much interest in issues of infidelity since infidelity affects people's life in such a serious way and the extent of its negative influence is beyond anyone's imagination.
Upon developing the Theory of Mimind and Xesmind, I discovered that the cause of infidelity is relationship addiction and the victimized spouse develops post traumatic stress. Infidelity causes the destruction of individuals, family, and human relationships, thereby negatively affecting the whole society.
The treatment methods I developed can be adopted to treat most psychological conditions ranging from severe cases such as relationship addiction, post traumatic stress, bipolar disorder, and hysteria to milder cased such as depression and addiction.
Infidelity issues must be addressed in connection with relationship addiction and post traumatic stress. They are severe psychological disorders that destroy human relationships and keep progressing unless properly treated until one's life completely collapses.
When parents are involved in the issue of infidelity, children cannot help being negatively affected developing their own psychological problems and disorders. People in relationship addiction and post traumatic stress negatively affect all other people they interact with regardless of their intention.
Many experts attribute infidelity cases to problems of marriage relationship, sexual problems, problems of love and emotion, and social and environmental problems. Inaccurate interpretations and analyses lead to providing inadequate treatment and guidance for people in pain and suffering. We are in a sad situation where many people are paying for inadequate treatment and guidance with dire consequence in the life of themselves and their children.
Q. My husband left home 2 years ago and we have lived separately since then. I am getting tired of the situation. Should I maintain the current situation for the sake of children? Will he come back? Should I get a divorce?
A. Your husband left home for two reasons. One is because he is greatly stressed at home by staying with family. The other is he is having such fun outside home so he has no reason to come home. He left home because of his own serious condition with which his psychology operates in a distorted way.
It must be very hard for you to just wait for him to come back. What you need to do is to analyze your own psychological condition rather than thinking about your husband. If it turns out that you have psychological wounds and problems, you must treat yourself and build happiness ability to be able to live happily with children regardless of your husband's condition. Healthy psychology must be the basis of your happiness even if you get a divorce later. When you have unhealthy psychology, children will also develop psychological problems and you and your children will live unhappily even after a divorce. You can live happily whether your husband comes back or not as far as you maintain healthy psychology.
You can decide on divorce once you restore healthy psychology. Keeping or severing the marriage relationship is only an additional matter when you already have happiness ability. You are not recommended to decide on divorce before you restore healthy psychology since your decision is likely to be a distorted one. For example, you may not recognize your psychological wounds even when you have deep wounds inside. Then, you may feel quite comfortable when you get a divorce with the disappearance of the source of pain, that is, your husband. Psychological wounds disguised as comfort will keep worsening and display themselves in explosion someday destroying the life of yours and your loved ones.
You must restore your psychology and become independent psychologically and economically regardless of your husband's condition. It is not to sever the relationship with your husband but to pay no attention to him for now. You should not overly concentrate on earning money but do something minimal to become economically independent.
Your husband will repeat leaving home since he is stressed at home unless you restore yourself and become a happy person. When you build your happiness ability, you will be the one who decides whether to keep him or not.
Q. My wife had an affair with a man in a business relationship while we were proceeding for divorce due to the difference in personality. Then, my wife's business failed and we lived together after canceling the divorce process. Then again, my wife resumed her business and the relationship with the man. Upon the discovery of the second infidelity case, she begged me for forgiveness and wanted to be with children. 7 years has passed since then. Recently, her business began to go well and now, she is demanding a divorce saying she doesn't even want custody of children. Should I get a divorce?
A. Just covering up the wrongdoing and living together as if nothing had happened is not forgiveness. Your wife has had relationship addiction for a long time and she is in a serious psychological condition. You should never trust people who have relationship addiction since it will recur any time.
You have not given your wife an opportunity to treat her relationship addiction so far. You trusted her, believed her words, and only have covered up the wrong situation for the whole time. Your wife's behavior is so typical of the behaviors of people with relationship addiction. As she recovers her business, she is willing to give up family and children only for her own pleasure.
Your wife may have tried hard to recover herself and do her best for family, but it must have been impossible since her psychology operates in such a distorted way. On the surface, things may look fine still maintaining the family relationship, but it is far from true recovery of marriage relationship and family relationship.
First, you must restore your own psychology and build happiness ability whether you decide to get a divorce or not. You can also give your wife an opportunity to restore her psychology if you decide to stay in marriage after you treat yourself.
It does not have to be hard to find a person to marry. Age is not important, either. You seem to want to get married but have not found the right person just yet.
As you maintain healthy and stable psychology and continue with what ever you are doing, it is for sure that you will meet the person you want to marry. However, if you are suffering from psychological problems and cannot manage your own life well, it is likely that you cannot meet the right person or just meet people who want to share only pleasure instead of making a commitment. Especially, if you yourself become a pleasure seeker, you will naturally get involved with people like you, who focus more on pleasure than happiness.
It is essential to maintain healthy psychology if you want to marry and live a happy life with your spouse. If you already have many psychological problems, you must treat your psychology first. Then, you will naturally meet someone who wants to marry you regardless of your age. If you do not treat your psychology, it is likely that your psychological condition worsens as time passes and the probability to meet the right person decreases.
Many people say that it is hard to find the right partner to marry, but it is far from the truth. It is hard because people try to find someone who can compensate for their psychological problems and develop dependency on the partner. Normal people would not do so, and people who are willing to do so must have some serious psychological condition to start with, which necessarily leads to the collapse of relationships. You may be in the vicious cycle where you keep meeting people with psychological disorders and aggravating your psychological wounds, making you feel that you cannot meet the right person to marry.
It is more important to build the environment for finding a partner than to find a partner. If you think that you are already surrounded by people with psychological disorders, you can keep some distance from them and focus on the treatment of your own psychology. After the treatment, you will find that people with psychological disorders disappear and people with healthy psychology come close to you.
Life is a continuum that continues until you die. You never know when you will meet the right person, get married, and live happily. Your current age is not important at all. The most important factor is your own psychological condition whether you marry, get a divorce, or remarry.
Q. I am a divorced man in 40's who is raising 2 daughters. If I want to remarry, what type of women would be ideal for me: a woman who has never married, a divorced woman who is raising children, or a divorced woman without children?
A. First, you must find out what kind of trauma you have by analyzing why you have got a divorce and how you have had the custody of children. You must first analyze your psychological condition before thinking about the type of your new spouse. Then you must analyze the psychological condition of the woman you want to remarry.
When you are in a dating relationship, you usually try to show and develop positive emotions toward each other. Then, underlying psychological conditions are displayed after you marry or get used to each other and you develop relational conflicts. You and your partner may look happy and comfortable on the surface, but may have psychological problems deep inside, which will definitely manifest itself in a marriage relationship.
It is hard to give you a specific answer at this stage because you have not met the prospective partner yet. You can analyze your own psychological conditions at present, but you cannot analyze your partner. What you can do now is to analyze your psychological conditions and build healthy psychology of a divorced man. Then, you can analyze your partner's psychology when you have met one.
In the saying 'Failure is the stepping stone to success', success means 'achieving the goal' and failure means 'giving up the goal'. It must be noted that failure is not 'not achieving the goal' but 'giving up the goal when you have not achieved the goal'. 'The stepping stone' can be interpreted as two interchangeable concepts. One is building success based on failure and the other is not giving up in the process of building success. The core concept is 'not giving up' in both interpretations.
Then, how would the saying 'Failure is the stepping stone to success' be applied in real life situations? First of all, it is meaningless to advise people who have already given up making efforts by saying, 'Failure is the stepping stone to success.' They would not accept the advice or show any interest. The saying can only be applied to people who have failed to achieve their goal but have not given up yet and are still making efforts.
Your life cannot be judged for success or failure at some point in the middle of life since life covers the whole period from birth till death, and you may experience both success and failure repeatedly in the course of your life. Whether your life is success or failure can be determined only at the very last moment of your life. For most people, they are still in the process of pursuing success experiencing both successful and unsuccessful moments. If you have lived making efforts to achieve goals and have not given up, you are considered to have lived a successful life so far.
You may set many goals as you proceed in life. Each goal can be achieved or failed. Failure in one goal in life does not mean that your whole life is failure. You can always try again or set another goal and make efforts. The same logic applies to success. Achieving one goal in life does not mean that your whole life is success. You must come up with another goal as soon as you achieve one goal. A case of success and a case of failure must be treated identically and cannot be taken as the indicator for success or failure of your whole life since you still have many years left to be lived. When you conclude that your life is failure only referring to one case of failure, you may give up and cannot take advantage of the experience of failure to achieve the next goal.
The saying, 'failure is the stepping stone to success' means we can learn through failure. It is also similar to the concept of trial and error. Trial and error is the concept that includes the whole process of making efforts, experiencing failure, and achieving the goal. In this sense, failure is part of success. We learn how to overcome difficulties and not make the same mistakes again through trial and error.
Since learning is made only through direct experiences, it builds unique strategies and methods that belong only to you. If you have not achieved your goal, it indicates that you have not fully developed strategies and metnods for success and it does not mean that you have failed in life. All throughout the lifetime, we are supposed to make efforts for another goal when we have failed in one goal.
Failure is a driving force for success for people who make efforts for success. However, if you keep failing no matter how hard you try, you can check for the following mistakes.
- You have only very short term goals, which are right in front of you.
- You try to avoid disappointment by not admitting your failure.
- You blame other people or the environment for your failure
- You try to take advantage of other people to achieve your goal.
- You are dependent on other people.
The process of self-checking is also a part of trial and error. You will repeat only failure if you try to take only success without analyzing failure. You must never give up and always reflect upon your past ideas and actions. Also, you cannot achieve success in a true sense when you blame, depend upon, or take advantage of others. Success employing such distorted methods will have destructive influence on yourself, other people, and the society.
We always pursue success and experience failure within human relationships. You may feel difficulties when you recognize that you are falling behind compared with other people and you have not achieved as much as other people. It is crucial to set a clear goal of your own making, and make sure what role you want to serve in the society to maintain healthy psychology in the process of pursuing success.
When you accurately understand the concept of 'Failure is the stepping stone to success', you can not only reflect upon yourself but also inform other people of the concept. Directly helping other people when they repeat failure can cause them to stay in failure by developing dependency. You can simply let them know about the concept of trial and error and the possibility of success, and encourage them to have faith and hope in themselves.
When you succeed from only one try or experience only success in a row, you may not learn how to overcome difficulties and maneuver your life through wind and waves. True happiness can be achieved when you experience success after failure in the process of trial and error. Many people are looking for only success and do not want to experience failure, but success can be achieved only with involving failure and only by your own will power and effort.
Some people say that you are as unhappy as you have. It can be interpreted that you should not have too much in order to be happy. To accurately understand the relationship between 'having' and 'being happy', we must first understand what it means to 'have'. You can 'have' either materials or knowledge and experiences. Materials can be possessed by you and then transferred to other people, but knowledge and experiences uniquely belong to you and cannot be transferred to others.
Firstly, if you become unhappy as you have more materials, it is because you become nervous and anxious for keeping what you already have or grow excessive desire to have even more, which may lead you to become unhappy. You may also feel unhappy when you see people who have more than you. When you have all the above conditions, you are considered to be enslaved by materials. Of course, people who do not have much can become enslaved by materials when they become nervous and anxious about having more and keeping what they already have.
Having or not having materials does not determine happiness or unhappiness. It is rather your ideas and attitudes about 'having' that determines happiness or unhappiness. People who have a lot can be happy when they are not obsessed or enslaved by materials. They will make good use of what they have for themselves and other people promoting happiness everywhere. Materials cannot be judged as negative or positive in and of themselves, but it is people's mind set and behaviors that make materials look positive or negative. We all must reflect on how to make use of what we have to become happy in a true sense. Without accurately understanding what you can do with what you have in a negative of positive way, you will become unhappy no matter how much materials you have.
Secondly, you can have knowledge and experiences with which you can be happy or unhappy. Your knowledge and experiences are uniquely yours and cannot be transferred to other people as materials can. Your knowledge and experiences can be connected with negative or positive emotions inside you. When they are connected with negative emotions such as stress and wounds causing psychological suffering at present, you will become as unhappy as you have. However, you can change your emotions to positive ones and you can become happy with the identical knowledge and emotions. Then, you will actually become as happy as you have.
With respect to materials, you can become as happy as you have by establishing right ideas and attitudes toward keeping and making use of materials. With respect to knowledge and experiences, you can become as happy as you have by changing negative emotions connected with them into positive ones. For materials, you may gain some and lose some in the course of life, but you can still be happy with the right ideas and attitudes regardless of how much you have. For knowledge and experiences, the more stress and wounds you have, the more happiness you can achieve by changing all the stress and wounds into positive emotions. You are the only person who can decide what emotions you want to connect with them. For both materials and knowledge and experiences, you yourself can and must decide whether to make use of what you have for happiness or unhappiness. You can be as unhappy as you have or as happy as you have depending on your ideas, attitudes, and emotions.
When people are sick in the body, they may immediately try to find ways to recover by getting rest, taking medicine, or consulting a doctor. They will ususally take some measures at an early stage not to aggravate the condition.
However, when they are sick in the mind, people are less active in trying to recover, thinking that they will become well as time goes by or not really knowing what to do. In many cases, they may blame other people for their psychological pain and suffering and try to change other people. All of the above only aggravate psychological conditions.
Both the body and the mind are important for us to live happily. Healthy body is necessary for survival and healthy mind is necessary for happiness. They are equally important but maintaining healthy mind is less emphasized than it should be.
If you want to achieve happiness, you must always watch your psychological health and take a good care of even mild symptoms of the sickness in the mind as you do for the sickness in the body. You must treat your own psychological wounds before analyzing what and who caused your sickness in the mind.
Standardized psychology tests may be useful in some situations such as when you use them for diagnosing general psychological conditions or for addressing mild cases of psychological problems. However, they interfere with the treatment process and aggravate psychological conditions rather then help when you treat psychological disorders.
Some clients may feel that standardized psychology tests serve as the basis for building trust with the therapists and facilitate the treatment but such process is usually unnecessary for treating psychological disorders, which must focus more on the operation of the unconscious than on that of the conscious.
When the therapists of psychology treatment refer to and rely on the results of the standardized psychology tests, they may build bias toward the clients' psychological conditions and become to focus on the manifested phenomena relying on the clients' conscious, which includes conscious thoughts and retrieved memories. Then, the therapists cannot but be led to analyze and focus on the original family, growth process, and traumatic events themselves rather than on the underlying imbalance of the unconscious operation of mind.
It is impossible to treat psychological disorders when the therapists become dependent on the clients' consciousness and then, the clients' psychological conditions deteriorate in the process. It is strongly recommended not to adopt methods that advocate taking standardized psychology tests for treating psychological disorders.
We try to find ways to make our loved ones happy. Our own happiness is important but we also hope for happiness of our spouse, parents, children, and friends. To achieve happiness of ours and our loved ones, we must first accurately understand the concept of happiness. Although happiness is a subjective emotional experience, we need to understand about the standard of happiness in order to prevent problems and achieve happiness in a true sense.
Most people live together with other people in human relationships, so the standard of happiness must accord with the happiness in human relationships. When you live only as an individual without any human relationship, you can be happy with your own comfort and pleasure regardless of other people. However, humans are designed to pursue happiness in relationships once they have stability and composure as an individual. That is why you are naturally inclined to help strangers in need. Thus, the basis of happiness in relationships is stability and composure as an individual.
When you interact with people psychologically in relationships, you cannot but generate stress and psychological wounds. When problems that caused stress and wounds are solved and your psychological balance is restored, you may feel moved and touched. The greater stress and wounds, the more you feel moved and touched when the issue is resolved. You feel happy for restoring stability and composure after solving the problem. This feeling of happiness is quite complex and much more than the simple combination of a wide range of emotions such as joy, pleasure, sorrow, and anger. After feeling moved, you may come back to the state of stability and composure. Happiness is the whole process of being stable, experiencing difficulties, solving problems, feelings moved, and being stable again. You can help your loved ones become happy by letting them experience the whole process.
Specifically, there are two ways to make efforts to make your counterparty happy. One is to completely comply with the counterparty's standard of happiness. You may provide everything so that the counterparty can get out of difficulties and achieve stability and composure. Since everyone has different standards for happiness, you may need to adopt different strategies for everyone you are trying to help. The other way is for you to become a happy person. When you have happiness ability by taking care of your stress and wounds, feeling moved and touched, and restoring stability and composure on your own regardless of interactions with other people, people around you will naturally feel happy just to be with you. These are the only two ways to help other people become happy.
When you adopt the first strategy and try to comply with the counterparty' standard of happiness, you must make efforts to sacrifice yourself. On the other hand, when you have happiness ability, people around you will automatically feel happy without any effort on your part. In the latter case, your own happiness affects people around you in a positive way to make them feel happy.
Many people mistake stability, composure, and comfort for happiness. These are the conditions with the absence of stress and wounds rather than happiness. Also, when you have to constantly stay in the state of stress and wounds without overcoming them, you cannot restore stability and composure. When you cannot experience feeling moved in the process of solving the problem, you may stay in stress and wounds and then in stability and composure, which does not count as happiness in a true sense, either.
There are three types of people who live in unhappiness. The first type is people who blame themselves, the second people who blame other people, and the third people who are dependent on people who alleviate stress and wounds for them. In the first case, only they themselves suffer from psychological difficulties. Other people usually do not recognize their difficulties. Secondly, people who blame others make other people unhappy by negatively affecting them. When the second type of people develop severe condition, they may feel comfort and pleasure by blaming and damaging other people. The third type of people depend on other people to solve their own problems. It cannot work and only causes psychological difficulties on both parties since your psychological problems cannot be solved by other people. No one can become happy by blaming self or others or by depending on others for their psychological problems. To become happy in relationships, you must make efforts for your own happiness and build the ability to overcome stress and wounds, feel moved and touched, and restore stability and composure.
People want to make other people happy in relationships since they themselves feel happy when they are with happy people. However, it is only yourself who can make you happy and this mechanism applies to everyone. You can build your own happiness ability and wait for your loved ones to build their happiness ability. Your loved ones may see you become a happy person and choose to become happy people themselves.
When you have happiness ability and live happily, you do not consciously recognize that you are happy. Since you are mostly in the state of stability and composure, you do not express your being happy outwardly. On the contrary, people who consciously feel and express their being happy are considered to be having fun and pleasure instead of having stability and composure. These days, fun and pleasure appear to be mistaken for happiness by many people.
When you have happiness ability, you can easily address stress and wounds and maintain stability and composure on your own. On the other hand, when you have great stress and wounds but cannot adequately address them inside you, you may constantly seek positive moods from positive sensory stimulation to compensate for the negative moods. The more fun and pleasure you pursue and consciously recognize, the more stress and wounds you are considered to have. These people may think that happiness comes with excitement and consider people who have happiness ability as boring people. They may be having fun as individuals but people around them are likely to suffer from damage inflicted by these selfish pleasure seekers.
