The perpetrator cannot sense the victim's pain

 

There are many cases where people are hurt by abusive behaviors and physical violence in human relationships. However, the perpetrator cannot sense how much pain is inflicted upon the victim. When someone hits the other person with his or her hand, the person who hit cannot sense the pain. He or she can sense only the pain in his or her hand.

 

When you are hit by another person, you can sense the pain. You may assume that the perpetrator can also sense how painful it is. However, the perpetrator may say that he or she just did it inadvertently or unintentionally, which the victim may not even believe.

 

It must be kept in mind that any behavior has the possibility to hurt other people in a great deal. When you have the idea that only your happiness is important regardless of others, you will easily hurt other people thinking that you just behaved to suit your standard of thought and happiness.

 

People who have self-conviction are in great danger of inflicting damage on other people without realizing how much pain their behaviors can cause in the victims. They cannot see what is wrong with themselves since they are convinced that their thoughts and behaviors are right with reference to their own thought standards.

 

You may throw a stone inadvertently and a frog may be killed by the stone. Is the frog's death caused by your throwing the stone or by the frog's being there at the moment?

Korea Institute of Psycho-education : http://www.uip.ac

E-mail : uip@uip.ac

[On Divorce] A mother who is shocked at her 14 year-old-girl dating with men through SNS.

Q. I got a divorce 6 years ago to forget the past and start afresh. I have been working hard on my career and doing my best to raise my daughter. However, my daughter has been grumpy and irritable for quite a long time. Recently, I have found out that she is dating with men through SNS and I am completely shocked. I took her for psychology counseling to no avail. She says that she wants to leave home. I don't know what to do. 

A. Many people experience difficulties due to problems of children after divorce or remarriage. Many children of parents who are divorced or remarried have psychological problems, but they are not recognized until they get serious and manifested as apparent behavioral problems. 

You may have thought that you are doing well both with your career and parenting and just thought that your daughter is going through normal period of adolescence with small problems here and there. Diverse problems of adolescence occur when children and teenagers begin to think for themselves and form their own thought standards. They find their own thought standards and adults' thought standards do not accord with each other and experience conflicts and discordance. Teenagers with unstable psychology may experience more difficulties in the process. Your daughter seems to have had psychological problems for quite a long time but they have not been detected and been aggravated. 

Psychology counseling may not be very effective in this case. Your daughter had to talk about her negative emotions and experiences during counseling. Unfortunately, females including children grow psychological wounds when they retrieve negative emotions in the absence of safe types of attention and consolation. They may even generate new wounds or transform fake wounds into real wounds during the process. When parents find that psychology counseling is not effective, they may even refer their child's case to professional psychiatrists for a more robust treatment including medication, which may put the child into the vicious cycle of worsening the condition and applying more powerful treatment. 

It is very dangerous for a 14 year-old-girl to be dating with men through SNS, but from your daughter's point of view, she is doing it since it provides her with comfort and pleasure, and makes her feel good from getting attention and consolation. Your daughter's psychology seems to be getting aggravated judging from the fact that  counseling did not work and she wants to leave home. She feels more comfortable with attention and consolation from dating with men through SNS than with counselors or her mother. 

It is essential to accurately understand the root cause of the child's psychological problems. When females have negative emotions and unstable psychology, their mind operates to have them try to treat psychological wounds by getting attention and consolation. In case of girls, attention and consolation must be provided by their mother, and otherwise, their psychological condition deteriorates even further. When attention and consolation are not provided by their mother, girls may seek them from other people feeling comfortable and loved in their conscious. 

When the mother herself has psychological wounds in herself, it is harder for her to provide her daughter with adequate attention and consolation. Even if the mother consciously tries to connect with her daughter psychologically, her psychological condition makes it hard to implement the adequate parenting method.

Your daughter's psychological problems are likely to have started when you first sensed that your daughter is going through the phase of adolescence and have been worsening for the whole time. The problem cannot be solved by viewing it as the child's problem, which can actually expedite the advancement of the condition. It must be viewed as having stemmed from the mother's psychological problems and problems of parenting. The root cause of your daughter's psychological problems is your inability or failure to provide adequate attention and consolation and adequate parenting when she first developed negative emotions and psychological wounds. 

First and foremost, you must treat your own psychological wounds and restore healthy psychology. Then, both you and your daughter will feel more stabilized and comfortable to interact and connect with each other. You must first analyze your present psychological condition and find ways to restore healthy psychology. When you interact with your daughter with healthy psychology, your daughter will also experience the improvement in her condition and naturally stay away from behaviors that used to worry you since she has no reason to get attention and consolation from undesirable or inappropriate relationships. 

You may want to apply for Free Consultation on Divorce and Remarriage to be guided for the restoration of your healthy psychology. You will learn exactly what to do for yourself and your daughter through the consultation. It won't take long for your daughter to recover once you become a happy mother.

Apply for Free Consultation on Divorce

Apply for Free Consultation on Remarriage

  Korea Institute of Psycho-education : http://www.uip.ac/ 

The Psychology of Donation

      We all make donations and get the benefit of donations at some time during life. We tend to relate donations with good deeds collectively but cases of donations can be analyzed differently applying the concept of psychology of donation. Some donations are made purely out of good intentions only with the purpose of helping the recipients but some are taken advantage of by people with selfish purposes. 

     There are two types of donations : direct donation and indirect donation. Direct donation is made by directly giving what you have to people who are in need. You may provide what is necessary for survival or what can promote self-actualization depending on the recipients' situations and needs. Indirect donation is made by entrusting the donation to organizations that are operated to support people in need for survival or self-actualization. 

     From the donator's point of view, both direct and indirect donation may look identical, but characteristics of indirect donation can be different among individual cases depending on different manifestations of psychology of donation. Donators must understand the mechanism of psychology of donation and choose appropriate ways to share what you have with people in need. When you make a direct donation, you must find recipients for yourself, make relationships with them, and manage the whole process of donation by yourself. You can freely decide on everything but types and magnitudes of donation are limited.      

      Many people choose to make donations indirectly for convenience and effectiveness. You can donate to organizations that are operated to help people in need. They have better systems of finding recipients and managing the donation process making the whole process more efficient and effective. They can help people in more diverse ways and in greater magnitudes. 

    All you provide for donation is received by the recipients in case of direct donation, but in case of indirect donation, some of the donated materials must be used to operate the organizations operated for donations. When donators cannot trust the organizations with what they provide, they may decide to establish an organization for donation themselves. In some cases, the donators lose their good intention and damage the noble cause of helping people in need by focusing more on the operation of the organization itself than on donation itself putting the cart before the horse.

     It is important to understand the true meaning of donation. Donation means giving what you have to people in need for survival or self-actualization without any condition or your own selfish purposes. Donation is different from the concept of support, in which you provide what you have to people in need to achieve your own goals. It is only legitimate that organizations that are operated for donation must have their own goals of managing the organization. It is also crucial that organizations for donation must establish the system of transparent operation to prevent distortion and corruption.

     Some organizations operated for donation become distorted and focus more and more on their own selfish purposes. As the distortion advances, the whole process of donation operated by the organization may also be distorted. It is recommended that organizations operated for donation be kept under surveillance for transparency and people involved in the work of donation learn about the psychology of donation. Some corrupt workers may develop distorted psychology and use donated materials for their own selfish purposes and act as if they themselves were the donators. 

      Donation is a good deed that provides people in need with opportunities to pursue happiness, so it is an important component of a healthy society. However, the distorted process of donation caused by distorted psychology of people involved leads general public to develop negative perception toward donation itself. We are not to judge the phenomena based on what is seen on the surface but understand the underlying mechanism and must raise the awareness of the adequate practice of donation.

https://youtu.be/Ww-kymrfDX8

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Introduction to Youth Mind Training

 

Apply for free consultation for Teenagers' Psychological Problems

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Korea Institute of Psycho-education : http://www.uip.ac

 

The process of developing relationship addiction

 

     Both the cause of husband infidelity and the cause of wife infidelity are relationship addiction. Accurately understanding the cause of infidelity prevents you from destroying your life and allows you to pursue happiness in the right direction. Without accurately understanding the cause of infidelity, you cannot either solve practical problems or restore healthy psychology and happiness. 

     Many people think that infidelity is caused by problems of love, sex, and marriage and therefore, they try to solve those problems to resolve the issue of infidelity. Even so-called experts attribute infidelity to problems of love, sex, and marriage and guide many innocent people to develop even worse conditions of psychology and life. It is crucial to understand that the real cause of infidelity is relationship addiction, which is an acute psychological disorder. 

     In many cases, infidelity does not occur with careful plans or deliberate intention. For men, they develop an acute case of relationship addiction upon the counterparty's response. Men's relationship addiction is a manifestation of perception disorder and expression disorder combined. For women, they develop an acute case of relationship addiction upon the counterparty's attention and consolation. Women's relationship addiction is a manifestation of the disorder of memory of emotion and expression disorder combined. Then, both women and men in relationship addiction easily change partners depending on circumstances since they are addicted to women's response and men's attention and consolation respectively.          

     Most psychological disorders take a long time and go through stages to develop. They proceed from psychological problems to a psychological disorder in 1 component of psychology and then, to a psychological disorder in 2 components of psychology. It usually takes years for psychological problems to develop into a psychological disorder in 2 components of psychology. However, relationship addiction develops acutely in a short time. 

     People in infidelity hardly realize that they have developed relationship addiction. Their thoughts and their conscious are distorted, so they perceive what used to be perceived as positive as negative and vice versa. They cannot tolerate and properly deal with even the smallest stress or wounds. Many women in relationship addiction are considered to have allowed themselves to be taken advantage of mistaking the distorted relationship for love. Relationship addiction accompanied by stress and wounds keeps operating inside them, and it is hard for them to break away from the vicious cycle of getting stress and wounds and seeking response and attention in distorted ways repeatedly committing infidelity. 

     The victimized spouse must treat post traumatic stress and the spouse in infidelity must treat relationship addiction. Then, you will be able to restore your healthy psychology and pursue happiness in a true sense instead of destroying the life of yourself and your loved ones.

https://youtu.be/ncOTGYVwCro

 About KIP(Korea Institute of Psycho-education)

[The Psychology of Dating] Different operations of mind in men and women

      Some people always get hurt in a romantic relationship. They may have great abilities in their career and other areas, but not so in dating. They can succeed in romantic relationships when they learn how human mind and psychology operate. When they understand how psychological interactions operate in a dating relationship, they can prevent their own and their partner's moods and feelings from getting ruined and hurt. 

     There is nothing more attractive than two people's minds being connected, and trust must precede for minds to be connected. However, these days, women seem to prefer men who actively approach them to shy and passive men. Men also prefer women who readily respond to shy and reserved women. People in these days seem to prefer falling in love at first sight rather than achieving a romantic relationship as a result of a long and hard process of courtship to earn the partner's heart and trust.       

     Men like women who readily respond to their attention, but most men know that they need to make efforts and wait for women's positive response. On the othr hand, there are some extreme cases where women may not budge an inch even when men pour all their passion into them. These women may actually be in self-love in a distorted way. Women who grew up being loved a lot tend to be positive toward everything and have humble character. They are considered to have self-love in a true sense. Women who think that they are too good for any man tend to have high standards but be empty inside. They are unlikely to meet men with healthy psychology and usually regret their behavior after men leave them even if they meet good men. 

     Men do not date to satisfy women from the psychological perspective. They take time and make efforts only for their own fun and pleasure. Men can not get immersed into women when they cannot have fun and pleasure from being with them. It is because men can generate passion from fun and pleasure only when women respond to their actions. 

     Women's psychology of dating operates completely differently from men's psychology of dating. They may pretend to be not interested in men when they actually like them. They often hide their feelings. For example, the woman finds the man especially handsome today, so she really wants to spend a long time with him until late at night. However, she is worried that he may read her mind and acts completely in the opposite way from her intention by repeatedly checking the time. The man thinks that she needs to go home early and helps her get a taxi early in the evening. She is disappointed and blames him for not reading her mind.

     Dating is a two way interaction. Love and passion are formed when two people's minds are connected. When the woman receives attention without giving any response to the man, the man loses interest in the woman. Hiding your feelings and waiting for the man to do everything for you will lead nowhere in a romantic relationship. You cannot but confront with courage, get hurt, and suffer from pain to build feelings of love. 

     Some women let the man they like leave them because they do not want to get hurt. Not wanting to get hurt means they are calculating. You must exchange thoughts and emotions frankly to understand each other in a dating relationship. Stress and wounds necessarily accompany the process since everyone has different thought standards. 

     If you are afraid of getting hurt from the relationship with the man you like, you can give up forming human relationships and raise a pet. Pets cannot hurt your emotions since they do not interact psychologically as humans do. Minds cannot be connected between humans and pets in a true sense. When the woman keeps her mind closed, the man will give up and leave to find another woman to pour his passion into.

     Suppose that a woman has liked a man for a long time without telling him about her feelings. One day, the man confesses that he likes her. Very strangely, the woman stops liking him as soon as she learns about his feelings. This happens when the woman has psychological wounds from past experiences. She may have negative experiences from past relationships or traumatic experiences related with men. Her anxiety and fear can override her positive emotions toward the man. If so, she needs psychological treatment to restore healthy psychology before seeing men for dating. 

     Women can either reject or accept when men suggest dating. Women's operational mechanism of feelings makes all of the man's actions of giving attention be stored in memory whether they like the man or not. When the woman's psychological wounds are treated by the man's attention in one incident, she becomes to like the man in her mind saying, “I don't like him at all.” This indicates that the man's attention affects the woman's unconscious by repeated interactions but activates negative emotions in the woman's conscious. 

     Women form feelings of love in two ways. One is when the attention that the man gives them accords with their thought standards and the other is when the attention does not accord with their thought standards. Women perceive men's attention itself as love whether it is negative or positive. Emotions can be positive or negative. Positive emotions can develop into feelings of love but negative emotions result in psychological wounds in women. Women generate feelings of love and happiness when they treat wounds, which are negative emotions. This explains how women generate feelings of love from negative emotions as well as from positive emotions. 

     When the woman displays anger and irritation at the man, it indicates that she likes the man and wants the man to pour more passion into the woman. Also, when the man continues to give attention to the woman even when the woman doesn't like the man, the woman gradually becomes to like the man since she has been storing many things related with the man in her memory. Here, attention and obsession must be clearly differentiated. Attention comes from the desire for giving but obsession comes from the desire for one's own satisfaction. 

     Suppose that a man who works at the same office keeps asking the woman for a date and follows her everywhere for months. At first, she feels uncomfortable and even a little scared, but soon, she becomes indifferent to him thinking that he will stop someday. Then, he really stops following her and she feels worried and anxious since he is not seen around. His unconditional attention giving has generated feelings of love in her. Women accommodate stress and accumulate it as wounds in the memory. When men's attention to women continues, women's unconscious perceives men's attention as love and treats wounds. However, men's attention with selfish purpose only grows wounds in women.

     The operation of women's wounds makes them recognize psychological pain and difficulties, which are signals for treating wounds. Women's expressions of irritation and anger are also signals for treating wounds. When the man provides the woman with attention and consolation in this situation, the woman's wounds are treated and feelings of love and happiness are generated in her unconscious. Whether women like the attention or not in the conscious does not matter here and indifference does not produce any emotion in women. 

     Men carry moods and women carry feelings. Men automatically develop positive moods when positive stimulation is sensed through sensory organs. That is, they perceive the counterparty's response in a positive way. Then, they can generate passion when they get immersed into positive moods. The woman feels happiness when she is convinced that the man truly loves her. However, the man does not know about the woman's mechanism of mind and thinks that all he needs to do for her is to make her have fun and pleasure. Women, who consider feelings important, usually do not trust men who pursue only fun and pleasure of the moment. 

     Women evaluate men by their speech and actions. They look for manners, honesty, considerateness, and wisdom in men. They get disappointed and hurt when they cannot trust men for their love. Women trust men who listen to them carefully. Women are sensitive to men's attitude when they are listening to women's talk. They will stop talking when men look distracted or do not focus.

     Women get hurt when men provide less attention to them. Suppose that the woman and the man decide to spend their vacation separately with their own friends. The man and his friends go to the beach and the woman and her friends go to the mountain. The man has an absolutely wonderful time, but the woman does not enjoy the vacation at all since she actually wanted to spend time with the man instead of her own friends. Upon returning from the separate vacation, the woman expresses her negative feelings to the man, but the man does not understand the woman's emotions at all. She keeps expressing her negative feelings and he does not even want to talk about it and explodes. Now, their talk develops into an argument and the woman walks out on him.

     Both men and women have high expectation for each other in a dating relationship. However, men do not understand women's mind operation and tend to follow their moods moment by moment. This leads women to feel both feelings of love and happiness and feelings of wounds alternately. The woman stops talking when she feels hurt for some reason which the man has provided but usually cannot fathom. The man thinks that the woman is a capricious type. The woman develops inner conflict on whether she should continue or stop this relationship.

     Men's and women's minds operate differently so they think and act differently. Men get stressed when being with women is not fun or pleasurable. Women feel hurt when their desire for love is not fulfilled by men. When they cannot heal stress and treat wounds for some prolonged time, they may decide to break up thinking that dating is difficult. Men automatically block the inflow of stress or eliminate stress as soon as it flows in. Women automatically accommodate stress and store it in memory after transforming it into wounds. Stress and wounds are generated when information that flows in for perception does not accord with their thought standards. When both parties adhere to their own standards without being considerate of the counterparty's perspective, men lose passion and women lose love in the relationship. You must always consider your partner's position, emotions, and ideas and try to understand each other to build trust with open mind.

     Love and wounds, and passion and stress are in an inseparable relation. Pursuing only one's own pleasure or happiness necessarily leads to relational conflicts. Suppressing or avoiding conflicts will only grow stress and wounds aggravating problems. Looking for causes of conflicts and trying to be considerate and understanding are crucial in building healthy dating relationships. Neglecting conflicts will result in additional conflicts and misunderstanding, which in turn will pull down trust and eventually end the relationship.

https://youtu.be/e4TE9XO-Xws

About KIP(Korea Institute of Psycho-education)

Counseling can be dangerous when treating psychological disorders

 

I have developed a non-contact self-treatment method of psychological disorders and do not adopt the method of counseling to treat psychological disorders. Counseling that analyzes original family, growth process, and wounds and trauma is not adopted, which actually leads many people to complain. Then, they are surprised at how effective the non-contact self-treatment method is as they proceed with the new and innovative program.

 

The core component of the non-contact self-treatment method is adjusting the unconscious in mind to treat psychological disorders. There is no need for the counselor and the client to discuss the specifics of the clients' life experiences at all. By principle, no one has the right or ability to analyze and discuss other people's unique experiences. Any life experience is unique and meaningful in and of itself.

 

Conventional counseling has a serious error of adopting the method effective only for treating mild cases psychological problems to treat severe cases of psychological disorders. Most experts from the days of Sigmund Freud to the present adopt the method of counseling to analyze the patient's psychology and treat psychological disorders. Retrieving life experiences associated with psychological pain and exchanging emotions with the counselor only aggravates the condition of psychological disorder without exception. It may look as if treatment were progressing temporarily or on the surface, but it may actually contribute to pathological condition transfering to another component of psychology thereby developing an additional psychological disorder let alone treating the original one.

 

Counseling is effective to solve mild cases of psychological problems with a certain degree of healing effect. The error of counseling comes from not differentiating psychological problems with psychological disorders and adopting the method meant for psychological problems to treat psychological disorders.

 

Human mind has the energy that enables self-treatment of psychology. An adequate  treatment method of psychological disorders must be able to guide the patient to activate the energy of mind in the unconscious and regain balance in psychological operation. Only the patients themselves have the ability to treat their own psychological disorders and restore healthy psychology inside them.

Korea Institute of Psycho-education : http://www.uip.ac

E-mail : uip@uip.ac

[On Remarriage] There is a man I want to marry, but I don't feel close to his 11-year-old daughter and I am worried that I will not become a good mother for her.

Q. There is a man I want to marry, but I don't feel close to his 11-year-old daughter and I am worried that I will not become a good mother for her. I gave up the custody of my own child because I was not so good at raising children. Would it be OK for me to remarry?

A. When you are nice to the child, the child will respond positively, and then you will feel close to the child and become confident of rearing the child well. It seems that you cannot maneuver smoothly for the process and you don't have the confidence on child rearing. 

Firstly, you must accurately analyze your idea that you were not good at rearing your own child. You may have been a very good mother but your psychological difficulties may have made you think that it is hard to raise a child. You may be connecting the fact that you gave up the custody of your own child with the current situation, and have the sense of guilt leading to the lack of confidence.

Secondly, you must analyze the psychological conditions of yours and the man you want to marry. Women usually like everything that is associated with the man they want to marry. Your reluctance to raise your future husband's child indicates that your psychology, your future husband's psychology, or your relationship has some problems. 

It is important that you and your future husband restore healthy psychology before you get married. You also need to restore a healthy relationship with your own child, who is being taken care of by your ex-husband. Then, you must be able to evaluate your future husband from an objective perspective. You must also accurately analyze how he has become to raise his daughter by himself. 

You must recover yourself and lead your future husband to recover himself in order to have a healthy marriage relationship. You can raise his daughter confidently and restore the relationship with your own child when you have a healthy psychological condition. 

Actually, if you did not even have the sense of guilt and not care about your own child at all, but really liked the future husband's daughter, it would indicate that you like his daughter in order to be loved by the man, which is a more serious psychological condition. Then, you will become to hate his daughter after you get married thinking that his daughter is causing problems in your marriage and your life. The fact that you feel guilty about not taking a good care of your own child and you feel distant to your future husband's daughter is a sign that at least, you are not in the worst psychological condition yet. 

The most important thing to do now is to restore your own healthy psychology. You must also lead your future husband to build his own healthy psychology. Then, you will be able to build a healthy and happy family. It is recommended that you do not take the face value of your ideas to make important practical decisions in life since the symmetry of psychology is always at work and what you perceive may not be all there is to the phenomena. 

Please, apply for Free Consultation on Remarriage provided by KIP for more detailed analysis of psychology and guidelines for happiness.

   Apply for Free Consultation on Divorce

Apply for Free Consultation on Remarriage

  Korea Institute of Psycho-education : http://www.uip.ac/ 

[On Divorce] Changing the pattern of relationships with people after divorce

When you get married, your relationships with people change. Before you get married, all relationships with people including parents, siblings, friends, and acquaintances are formed putting yourself at the center, but after you get married, your relationships with people change so that they accord with your husband's standards and his relationships with people. You may become more distant with friends you used to hang out with everyday, or you may even have to stop seeing some people. You may also form new relationships with new people after you get married. 

When you get a divorce, it is only natural that your relationships with people change once more. Not only the people you meet but also the dynamics and patterns of the existing relationships must change so that they accord with your marital status. When you do not adequately change the patterns of relationships with people after divorce, you may experience psychological problems and relational conflicts. 

To be able to adequately change the dynamics and patterns of relationships with people after divorce, you must first accurately understand how human relationships work and how they affect psychology. You must learn what relationships to sever, what relationships to start, and for what relationships to change their meaning. You must also change your psychology to that of a divorced person in this process. For example, your relationship with your parents must be different before marriage, after marriage, and after divorce respectively. 

When you do not understand this mechanism and do not change your psychology and relationships after divorce, you may keep confronting problems and conflicts. Problems and conflicts worsen when you avoid dealing with them properly and address only practical problems that rise to the surface. Your relationship with your children must also change after divorce. Keeping the same pattern of your relationship with children will lead to psychological and practical problems in both yourself and your children. 

The psychology of a married person and that of a divorced person are completely different. Relationships during marriage and after divorce must be different, too. You can prevent relational problems from occurring after divorce and prepare for a happy life through Free Consultation on Divorce provided by Korea Institute of Psycho-education. 

   Apply for Free Consultation on Divorce

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  Korea Institute of Psycho-education : http://www.uip.ac/ 

Empty nest syndrome

Empty nest syndrome is defined as 'the grief that parents feel when their children move out of home'. This condition is more common in women then men. Having empty nest syndrome indicates that you have had a nest to take care of and you have taken a good care of the nest with people in family relationships. As you are left in the nest by yourself after your children grow and leave home, you may experience psychological difficulties. You may develop loneliness, depression, and anxiety.

Mothers rather than fathers usually take care of children primarily for at least more than 15 years. When children grow and become independent, they lose objects of maternal love and their major role in the family. The cannot get attention from children any more and get confused about their identity. After all they have done for the family for decades, they feel they are left with nothing. They cannot feel the sense of achievement or present happiness coming from child rearing any more.

 Women who have a good relationship with their husband do not experience a severe condition of empty nest syndrome. They can still get attention from and share happiness with the husband even after children leave home. Empty nest syndrome is more prevalent in women who get themselves immersed into child rearing exclusively without having a good marriage relationship. Also, women who were not interested in child rearing much do not experience empty nest syndrome. They may have raised and supported children in all possible ways, but they got themselves immersed into some other things such as career, social life, or other activities than children. The concept of 'nest' does not apply to them since their home has not been their 'nest' in the first place. They may even like children's independence since they can fully get immersed into what they like after children leave home. 

Usually, suffering from empty nest syndrome indicates that you worked hard and did your best to take care of your children. However, your relationship with your husband may have been distant or conflictual. You as a couple may not have communicated effectively, or not exchanged attention and response sufficiently. You may have lived as good parents but not as a happy couple. Also, you have not prepared yourself for the time when children will leave home. Now is the time to start building a new life of your own since you still have the whole life in front of you. 

To get out of empty nest syndrome and build a new life after children leave home, you yourself must make effort to restore psychological balance. The first important point in your effort is to restore a happy marriage relationship. The couple can spend time together, pay attention to each other, and communicate each other. Then, recovering from empty nest syndrome may turn out much easier than you expect. 

Secondly, you can get immersed into some activities you are interested. You may take up and concentrate on study, traveling, hobbies, sports, or career. Restoring marriage relationship must be prioritized over getting immersed into activities of interest, though. Either way, your empty nest syndrome will disappear. It is fine to get immersed into activities of interest keeping your nest as it is, but you must not build another nest claiming that you will find a new life of your own. Then, you will become to neglect your family and home and start seeking fun and pleasure of the moment. You may start generously spending your savings enjoying the sense of satisfaction by activating the psychology of compensation. 

Some women develop the desire for getting attention and love as a woman. Then, they may start seeing men other than their husband. They feel they are truly treated as a woman instead of a wife and a mother and feel happy and compensated for all the years of their life they have sacrificed. This phenomenon usually occurs when women had a distant relationship with their husband. Getting attention as a woman does not necessarily involves extramarital affairs. Some women just enjoy casual social gatherings with men and women in a group to get attention as a woman.

Empty nest syndrome may be accompanied by a distorted idea that their life has been sacrificed for family life when they actually had a happy life rearing children as a mother, and that they need some forms of compensation now. When they are carried away by this distorted idea, they may overly get immersed into activities of interest or demand compensation from children psychologically or financially putting the cart before the horse. 

You need to accurately understand the root cause of empty nest syndrome and realize that your family life has been a meaningful and righteous one and you did a good job. You may have had conflicts with you husband but built happiness together for all those years. You still have the nest intact and just need to take care of the nest in a new way. It is strongly recommended that you restore a healthy and intimate relationship with your husband. Then, you will realize how great a nest you have been building and supporting. Even if you cannot work out the relationship with your husband, you need to get immersed into activities of interest in the right way so that it promotes the restoration of healthy psychology. 

When you accommodate the concept of sacrifice and compensation for your past life, your past life is perceived as a wrong one. When you become dependent on other people or objects of interest instead of finding the right way to build your life in a healthy way, you will enter the vicious cycle of feeling down and seeking attention and compensation. Empty nest syndrome is different from depression. Depression results from accumulated psychological wounds, but empty nest syndrome results from distorted ideas. It is sufficient to have the accurate understanding of the mechanism of the condition in order to overcome empty nest syndrome.

https://youtu.be/gTXOjAGFA4A

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Will children of divorced parents develop psychological problems?

 

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[The Psychology of Dating] Passion and love

 

A dating relationship refers to a close human relationship where two people, usually a man and a woman, like and care about each other. The psychology of dating has the duality that makes people feel both sweet and bitter at the same time making it even more captivating. This duality leads many people to think that their dating relationship is unique and special compared with other people's dating relationships. 

When the man looks egocentric and domineering when they first meet, the woman may perceive that his 'strong' character is attractive in a way. When the woman is complaining and irritable, the man may perceive that her 'innocent' character is attractive in a way. That is, in a dating relationship, all they need is fun and pleasure when they are together and they do not think seriously about other matters. 

However, as they are attracted to each other more and more, they naturally generate stress and psychological wounds, which indicates that they are interested in each other a great deal. In a dating relationship, they want each other and build desire for each other even when the counterparty behaves in ways they cannot understand or don't like.

The whole spectrum of emotions is involved in the dating relationship as in other close relationships. As they proceed in the dating relationship, the couple find that they have different standards from each other and generate stress and wounds. Then, the man may lose passion and the woman may lose the desire for love leading their relationship to end. Then again, in many cases, they may regret breaking up with each other and blame themselves. 

Some people consider dating as a casual relationship, but dating relationships involve the operation of all human emotions with their full scale and force. The woman may feel the utmost happiness and think that she is the luckiest woman, and then, suffer from meaningless jealousy. She may feel moved to tears by the man's attention and devotion, and then, one day, she may feel absolutely hurt by his negligence and distancing. The psychology of dating is simple and complex at the same time like this. Dating appearing to be fun and happy is only a manifested image. Stress and wounds are necessary in a dating relationship since both strong positive and negative emotions coexist in the operation of mind and psychology of dating relationships.

The couple may break up mostly because they cannot heal stress and treat wounds. When they understand what causes conflicts between them, they can easily heal stress and treat wounds. Most problems occur since they do not understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology. When they understand about both themselves and their counterparty, they can address problems and conflicts appropriately. When they build their relationship based on true understanding, they can achieve true passion and love toward each other. 

Dating relationships involve connection and love. Here, the connection means a human relationship where people's minds are connected. That is, it is a relationship where the man's mind and the woman's mind are connected. Dating relationship is formed when the man's passion and the woman's love are combined. Romantic emotions are formed when man's passion and woman's love are combined. Man's passion is positive moods and woman's love is positive feelings. When moods and feelings operate in human mind, they are recognized, stored in memory, and then, expressed by retrieving what has been stored in memory. The operation of mind is operated to be manifested as psychology. 

In order for positive moods to be sensed in the conscious, sensory organs need to perceive positive sensations. That is, positive perception of the counterparty leads to the immersion into moods of fun and pleasure. When the man finds meeting the woman fun and pleasurable, passion is formed in the man. On the other hand, the woman generates feelings in the unconscious by combining what is perceived and what has been stored in memory. Woman's love is positive feelings in the unconscious that are sensed and recognized in the conscious. Women's feelings of love stem from getting attention. Attention can be both positive and negative, but women accommodate both positive and negative attention and store them in memory. 

Women try to look their best in order to get attention from the man they meet. They wear make-up and take time to change clothes until they find the perfect one. However, men do not care much about appearance or fashion of the woman who they like. Men are sensitive only to stimulations that accord with their standards. They are especially sensitive to visual stimulation and the most important visual stimulation for men is the woman's facial expressions. The man's moods are determined by the woman's response that is displayed through her facial expressions. The man's moods become negative when the woman does not smile or does not respond to the man's talk no matter how perfect her appearance is. Women need to respond positively to the man's behavior in order to earn the man's heart. Otherwise, he will turn away from her since it is boring and no fun at all. 

The couple may experience failure when they date for the first time due to lack of experience. It is like trial and error. Since the woman has feelings, she thinks that the man 'likes' her when she 'likes' him. She assumes that he naturally 'likes' what she 'likes', and he does not 'like' what she does not 'like'. This is woman's psychology of dating. However, man's psychology of dating is different. He likes everything when he is in positive moods at present and likes nothing when he is in negative moods. 

Let's suppose that the man and the woman take a boat ride at a river and then, go to see a movie. The woman really likes the man's lead and looks like having a lot of fun. The man is excited about her positive response. In the evening, he takes her to a pub for some beer, which he thinks is a great idea, without asking her opinion. Suddenly, she stops smiling as she enters the pub and stops talking. He tries to cheer her up by making jokes and so on, but she kind of responds negatively. The man gets intensely stressed. The man gives up and pays the bill without checking for her response any more.

The woman is angry since he just took her to the pub without even asking her opinion. She actually wanted to go to a nice Italian restaurant. Now, the man actually knows why she is angry but his pride is already hurt. The man does not even escort her to her place and says goodbye in front of the pub. The woman blames herself for her inconsiderate behavior and also blames the man for being so selfish. 

Men and women fail in dating relationships since they assume that people of the opposite gender have the identical operation of mind with their own. Men's mind and women's mind operate completely differently. When the counterparty's behavior does not accord with their standards, they generate stress and wounds and experience conflicts. When their first romantic relationship ends as a failure, they experience anxiety and feel at a loss. They may feel nervous and fearful about dating again. 

People have more conflicts when their thought standards are greatly different. Each party usually blames the other party and would not admit their own faults. When the man and the woman have an argument, they would spend some time without contacting each other since they need some time alone to recover from their negative emotions. That is, each party heals stress and treats wounds in their own ways. They may reflect upon their own speech, actions, and facial expressions, and upon how the counterparty's psychology operates.

You could suppress your emotions or frankly express your emotions when you have negative emotions in a romantic relationship. It takes courage to frankly express your emotions when both of you are in negative emotions. Also, if you decide to frankly express your emotions, it is recommended that you first recover from negative emotions by yourself and then, express yourself in a positive way to minimize the counterparty's negative perception and repeated conflicts. 

Every woman and every man have their own individual thought standards regarding love and passion. When the man's and the woman's thought standards contradict, stress and wounds are necessarily generated. Continuous stress make men lose passion and accumulated wounds make women lose feelings of love. Men's passion and women's love can last long when men can heal stress and women can treat wounds in adequate ways.

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About KIP(Korea Institute of Psycho-education