Not many people know what it is to build their own happiness as an individual. Sacrificing your life for family and children is not exactly your happiness as an individual. We aim for being happy together with our loved ones but we cannot not be happy unless we are happy as an individual to begin with. You can have healthy and happy relationships only when you are a healthy and happy person as an individual.
Many people do not realize that they have severe psychological wounds and blame themselves or others for their unfortunate condition. They may become dependent on other people to avoid facing their wounds. They may also seek only pleasure claiming that they are entitled to live their own life as they wish and give up on true happiness. Pleasure seeking is not living your life but destroying your life.
We must accurately understand about meanings and values of life and how to become happy in a true sense. If you do not adequately build your own happiness as an individual, you are likely to get involved in wrong and unhappy relationships, and suffer more and more from all kinds of practical and psychological problems.
You must also build your happiness as an individual to be able to solve children's psychological problems since most psychological problems of children stem from parents' psychological problems. Sadly enough, so many parents do not realize that they themselves must change and become healthy in order to solve children' psychological problems. This applies to all parents in all cultures and societies since all human beings share identical operational mechanism of mind and psychology.
Suffering from psychological pain indicates that you badly want to become happy. Seeking pleasure at the expense of your life and your loved ones indicates that you are trying to compensate for your psychological pain in a distorted way. Our mind operates only for ourselves and it can be manifested as selfish pleasure seeking. However, we live in relationships with other people and pursue being happy together in harmony and order. Our psychology is supposed to operate in the way harmony and order in relationships can be achieved and maintained.
When you suffer from depressive feelings and then restore confidence in some ways, you may feel that your condition has been treated and willingly get immersed into positive moods through activities of diversion. However, you may have actually aggravated your condition and developed a psychological disorder with which you employ distorted ways of compensating for your negative emotions and inflict damage upon other people including your children.
Children's psychological problems are caused by parents' psychological problems. Children's psychological problems are quickly and easily solved when parents' psychology is stabilized and adequate parenting strategies are adopted. Focusing only on children's problems per se is unlikely to lead you any where near treatment or improvement. Imposing rules and responsibilities on children for managing their psychology is the last thing you want to do for healthy psychological development of children. It is parents' and adults' responsibility to cultivate healthy body and mind in children.
The first and foremost thing to do is to establish yourself as a healthy and happy individual. You must analyze your psychological condition and restore healthy psychology if necessary. Then, you must transform your psychology to the psychology of divorce or remarriage depending on your circumstance. You must also adjust and realign your relationships with people. Once you accurately understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology, you can restore healthy psychology and become a happy person regardless of your marital status.
Through 'Free Consultation on Divorce & Remarriage' of KIP, you can learn about causes of divorce, things to prepare before divorce, problems that may occur in the process of divorce, directions of life after divorce, and how to solve diverse problems and live happily.
You may experience one of the most drastic changes in psychology through divorce process. The first important change occurs during the process of dating in which you form an intimate relationship with another person. The second important change in psychology occurs when you get married. You form a relationship where two people pursue and share happiness of life together. The psychology of dating and that of marriage are completely different and people develop relational conflicts since they do not know about how their psychology operates before and after marriage.
The third important change in psychology occurs when you get a divorce. You will choose to get a divorce when you want and decide to build happiness by yourself instead of building it with your partner. Then, you will return to yourself before you got married regardless of the period of marriage, that is, to the time even before you were in a dating relationship.
Of course, you can date and get married again after a divorce. You will experience another major change in psychology when you remarry. The psychology of the first marriage and that of the second or the third marriage are different. You also experience another major change in psychology when you are bereaved of your spouse. Our psychology keeps changing at every major turning point in life. It is only you yourself who can maneuver the course of life through all the changes in life situations in the way you build and maintain happiness for yourself.
When you are alone, you are to pursue only your own happiness. When you are with other people, you are to pursue not only your happiness but also happiness of your loved ones. It is more challenging to build happiness after divorce than to build happiness in a dating or marriage relationship. That is why you must prepare yourself well for life after divorce. Jumping into divorce without preparation often makes you suffer from even more practical and psychological problems after divorce.
You live only once. You may be able to take difficulties after divorce as a good experience of life, but you may also want to choose less painful and less damaging path of life if you can. It may be even better if you can become happy after divorce without too many trials and errors. Also, many couples get a divorce when they can be perfectly happy together staying in marriage just because they do not understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology. Some couples are better off by getting a divorce. Either way, the most important thing is your happiness in a true sense.
You may decide to get a divorce or not depending on your circumstance. Under any circumstance, you must be well prepared for your future happiness. Getting a divorce a a way of avoidance or retaliation will only result in even greater misfortune. Blaming other people and your environment will only aggravate your psychological condition. 'Free Consultation on Divorce and Remarriage' of KIP will provide you with an opportunity to treat psychological wounds, solve practical problems, and build happiness ability.
When you discover spouse infidelity, you develop post traumatic stress and suffer from great psychological pain. Most people think about the treatment of their psychology and say that they want treatment. However, many people try different measures to solve practical problems and adopt temporary diversions from their suffering, and they aggravate their psychological condition and focus more and more on coping with the issues in practical manners and adopt activities of diversions.
You actually feel comfortable temporarily while the condition of post traumatic stress is progressing. Then, they focus more and more on taking temporary measures to feel comfortable at the moment. Post traumatic stress is aggravated more as you feel more comfortable without proper treatment.
People who say that they want to treat themselves but do not take treatment are considered to be seeking comfort by taking activities of diversion and trying to cope with the situation by adopting practical measures such as separation or lawsuit. As time passes, their condition of post traumatic stress progresses to the level in which they cannot stand only with temporary comfort. Then, they are to choose one of the two different courses of life.
One course is that they realize that measures that give them temporary comfort do not resolve the fundamental issues and decide on the treatment of post traumatic stress for a happy life in a true sense. It takes more time to treat such cases than when you begin treatment right after you develop post traumatic stress since the condition has progressed during the time. Luckily, these people have at least chosen to treat themselves and try to put their life back on the right track. They realize how meaningless and wasteful their effort to earn temporary comfort and solve the matter in practical ways was.
The other course is that they become convinced that they have done all they could do to resolve the issue and they have no hope in their marriage relationship any more. They may stay in marriage but give up restoring the relationship or get a divorce. They give up on the treatment of their pathological condition and proceed to forgetting about spouse infidelity and pain caused by it. They keep aggravating the psychological condition and need more and more intense measures of compensation that can match the level of their wounds. When the level of pain associated with post traumatic stress is -100,000, you need the positive moods of +100,000 to compensate the negative value. When the level of pain is -200,000, you need the positive moods of +200,000 to cover up the pain.
Unfortunately, people who take the latter course of life necessarily live an unhappy life. They become people who destroy not only their own but also others' psychology and life. They inflict damage upon their family and people around them. They would deny that they have a serious psychological condition and self-justify their ideas and behaviors, but people around them including their children have to suffer from their irrational behaviors.
It must be noted that you must take the right action and make efforts to restore healthy psychology and happiness in a true sense instead of just saying that you will someday and seek diversion.
The husband in infidelity gets immersed into the distorted sense of fun and pleasure caused by relationship addiction. It is as if you ate rotten food and found it so delicious. The wife suffers from post traumatic stress upon the discovery of husband infidelity. When she does not treat her post traumatic stress and develops relationship addiction on top of that, she may also fall for infidelity. Then, it is their children who have to experience the greatest suffering and pain.
Relationship addiction can develop acutely regardless of one's conscious intention. When husband infidelity occurs, the husband must be able to recognize that he has developed a pathological condition that requires psychology treatment, and must provide his wife with an opportunity to treat her post traumatic stress.
The wife must understand that the more she takes countermeasures against her husband's irrational behaviors, the more he gets immersed into the distorted fun and pleasure of relationship addiction. It is not trying to solve the husband's problems but treating her post traumatic stress that the wife must focus on most urgently.
When post traumatic stress is ignored without treatment, the wife is also highly likely to develop relationship addiction and other psychological disorders. Anything but psychology treatment and restoration of healthy psychology must be stopped and postponed to be addressed only after stabilizing psychology first.
Taking diverse measures to address husband infidelity issues and trying to solve the wife's psychological suffering through suppression or diversion may provide temporary comfort and the illusion that you have recovered or resolved the issue, but it must be clearly understood that only adequate psychology treatment can restore healthy psychology without adverse side effects and prevent recurrence of psychological disorders.
The wife in infidelity has developed relationship addiction and constantly seeks attention and consolation from the adulterer and sometimes even mistakes it for love. It is as if she ate rotten food and found it really delicious. As time passes, the wife seeks more and more intense level of attention and consolation from the adulterer and cannot stand without it.
The victimized husband suffers from post traumatic stress upon the discovery of wife infidelity. Post traumatic stress is such a severe psychological condition that it is really difficult to treat it on his own. The husband may end up collapsing and ruining his own life and the life of loved ones by taking inappropriate measures to tackle the situation.
Relationship addiction can develop acutely in spite of oneself. It is important that the wife realizes that the treatment of relationship addiction is urgent and must also help the husband treat his post traumatic stress. Protecting children is also important in this situation where both their parents have developed psychological disorders.
When the husband tries to stop the wife from getting herself immersed into the distorted relationship with the adulterer, the wife's psychological condition may only get aggravated. No coping strategies except for adequate treatment will help restore her normal psychology. When the husband adopts diverse coping strategies and practical measures to solve the issue of wife infidelity, he may feel comfortable temporarily, but it will lead him to seek more and more activities of diversion and eventually make him destroy his life and inflict damage upon others as people in severe psychological disorders do.
All human beings want to become happy. It is difficult to achieve happiness living all by yourself. You may be happy as a person living by yourself but most people want to be happy living with other people. People want to become happy with their loved ones. They have ideas and dreams regarding how they can be happy with people they have relationships with. Happiness of a person can be achieved by only pursuing one's own fun and pleasure, but happiness of a person in relationships can be achieved by pursuing self-actualization and being happy together.
People pursue meanings and values in pursuing self-actualization. Men tend to focus more on pursuing values and women on pursuing meanings. Self-actualization is pursued to achieve your dream but it is not something that is achieved at present. We cannot but pursue self-actualization until the day we die.
Values of life can be categorized into financial values, relational values, and social values. You must first set the goal to pursue values. Once you set the goal of your life, you can just live by the values of your life. Men can live exclusively pursuing values without pursuing meanings. Women usually pursue both meanings and values. Married women tend to prioritize meanings and pursue values additionally.
People aim for success in what they choose as the goal for self-actualization. You must clearly understand what you aim for and take practical measures to achieve the goal. However, many people live without setting the goal or without making efforts to achieve the goal.
Suppose that a woman goes to see a play and gets highly impressed by the actors' performance. She suddenly decides to change her career and quits her job to become an actress. She becomes a member of a theatrical company and builds her ability as an actress. However, her efforts do not pay her back and she just keeps failing. She develops inner conflict about her self-actualization and concludes that she has no talent. She finds her future uncertain, loses confidence, and suffers from depression along with anxiety and sociophobia.
The direction for self-actualization must not be decided on impulse. You must carefully examine about your interest and talent before you set your goal to minimize trial and error. People who change jobs often tend not to understand their aptitude and abilities well. They may do what is given and available to them and easily give up when they face obstacles.
Many successful people have some good habits they have developed through years of practice. They have set their own goal that accords with their aptitude and abilities, and kept making efforts. You must set your own goal instead of just following and adopting other successful people's examples. Then, you must keep making efforts that accord with your own goal to be able to form habits of success of your own making. At first, building habits of success can be stressful, but as you continue to practice making efforts consciously, you will internalize habits that are activated unconsciously.
Dating is also an area of self-actualization, in which you form a romantic relationship with another person. No one is good at dating from the first since they have no experience. We learn about how to date through trial and error, so failing in a dating relationship should be considered as a good experience.
Psychology is formed by the individual's habits and experiences being accumulated. As we proceed in life and try to learn from every experience along the way, we can form right ideas and behaviors into habits. As we learn more and more, we become more understanding and considerate and get less stressed and wounded in relationships.
Dating relationships cannot always give you pleasure and happiness. One day you couldn't feel happier and the next day you couldn't feel worse as your dating relationship proceeds. The color of dating is not pink but includes all different colors. You may fight ferociously and stop contacting each other for a few days. Then, you may find your partner waiting for you in front of your door until late at night, and suddenly feel moved and realize that you are the luckiest person and your partner is the most special one in your life.
You must make efforts in dating as well as in other important areas of life to reach the goal. Once you set the goal, you just have to do your best to make efforts in all ways possible. When you are stressed from the dating relationship, you must be able to heal stress adequately, and then continue with your efforts again until you form good habits. Forming good habits takes perseverance and self-discipline. Nothing in life is earned free of charge.
Some people easily give up when they get stressed, start all over again with another goal, and they habitually repeat the whole process. They may look as if they were pursuing self-actualization, but they are more likely to be just relieving stress rather than making efforts for their goal. You must keep going for your goal to be able to achieve meanings and values of life in self-actualization. When you face an obstacle, you must overcome the obstacle and keep going forward. You should not change the direction just because there is an obstacle in front of you, but you must build strength and find a way to overcome the obstacle. When you overcome the obstacle after hard work, great passion and love are generated inside you.
Human beings are bound to suffer from stress and wounds throughout the course of life. Self-actualization is the process of overcoming stress and wounds and generating passion and love, which are perceived as happiness. We can go on with this process over and over again until our life ends, and in the end, we may feel proud of ourselves for making efforts without giving up and overcoming all the obstacles in the journey of life.
Not many people have a clear understanding about psychological wounds. When they have psychological wounds inside them, they may think :
- It is unfair, it is not may fault.
- It is may fault.
- What did I do wrong?
- I only did the right things.
They may blame either other people or themselves. Blaming others or themselves only aggravates psychological wounds. Psychological wounds develop when you do not understand the mind operation of yours and others'.
We must understand how human mind operates and accurate understand other people's behaviors in order to prevent and treat our own psychological wounds. Understanding may result in forgiveness and consideration, too, but they are optional, which you can decide after accurate understanding.
You cannot but accumulate psychological wounds and experience difficulties in human relationships without understanding the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology.
The mechanism operates differently for men and women. In case of women, feelings instead of moods operate more dominantly in psychology. Most women cannot forget about the relationship for quite a long time when they break up with at partner and experience psychological pain since feelings are at work whether they still like the man or not any more. However, in case of men, only moods instead of feelings operate exclusively in psychology. When a man breaks up with a partner, he is likely to forget about the relationship instantly. The difference between men and women comes from the difference in the operation of moods and feelings in the unconscious.
When a woman begins to see another man right after she breaks up with her partner, it indicates that moods instead of feelings accompanied by psychological wounds are operating in this woman. Or it may be the case that the woman has so many wounds and she cannot stand without getting attention and consolation form men. After all, both seeing two people at the same time and seeing another person right after a break up are the manifestation of psychological disorders.
On the other hand, men seeing two women at the same time and seeing another woman right after a break up are the manifestation of moods being activated for fun and pleasure moment by moment. This is the underlying mechanism that applies to all men's unconscious. He just accidentally met a woman and got interested in her regardless of his current situation.
A. When a man meets two women at the same time, he is only following his moods of the moment since men are under the influence of moods moment by moment. When the man treats the two women differently, he may consider one of them as his woman sincerely and the other as a mere object of fun and pleasure. When a man meets a woman only for fun and pleasure, he does not generate passion. However, women apply identical feelings toward both men when they meet two men at the same time. Such women have too many wounds and they need to be doubly consoled by the two men. This is the mechanism of women's infidelity.
The man and the woman may decide to stay in a dating relationship after they have become close and comfortable. They may get involved in arguments and conflicts once in while, but accept the situations and get along with each other. Then, at some point, one party may try to stop the conflictual situation by employing some abusive measures.
In a dating relationship where both parties feel comfortable, the woman may freely nag or express negative emotions toward the man since the man's behaviors do not accord with her own thought standards. The man may try to stop her but the woman may keep expressing her negative feelings. Women with severe wounds may express more negative feelings toward their men as an attempt to treat their wounds. The man does not understand why the woman keeps bothering him at all.
The woman even draws years-old memories and continues to express wounds. The man cannot stand the stress any more and explodes his anger by being violent. The man gets stressed by the woman's expression of wounds and the woman gets wounded by the man's expression of stress. This type of conflicts gets repeated and aggravated unless the man heals stress and the woman treats wounds.
Males are designed to remove stress the moment it flows in for perception by the operation of moods. They respond instantly employing some measures established in the habits, be it avoiding or attacking by the operation of the unconscious. In a moment, the man realizes that the woman's face is bruised and feels truly sorry for his behavior. He would do all the things he can to make the woman feel better by providing her with all the care and attention. The woman feels her wounds are treated and generates feelings of love upon the man's sincere attention and consolation.
Women actually have the ability to treat their own wounds, but they usually grow wounds since they do not accurately understand why and how they develop and accumulate wounds. Women keep sending messages to ask men for treating their wounds by expressing negative emotions. The problem is that men automatically get stressed when women express wounds to men. They enter the vicious cycle of the woman expressing wounds continuously and the man becoming more and more violent.
Women must stop expressing wounds when the man is in negative moods. You may feel it difficult to change the dynamics of the interaction at first, but a wise woman would express her wounds with a smile when the man is in positive moods. Then, he will listen to the woman thoroughly, help her understand the situation, and provide her with all the attention and consolation she needs for treatment.
When the first incident of violence is accepted by the woman without causing much trouble, the man's violent behavior is habituated. He may employ violence every time the woman's thought standards do not accord with his standards and they are in a conflictual situation. The woman must fight back firmly and strongly when violence occurs and correct his wrong behavior to prevent the habituation of violence. When the woman succumbs to the man's power and suppresses her wounded feelings, he may perceive his violent behavior as being acceptable and effective.
As the woman expresses painful feelings upon the man's violence, the man may provide her with greater attention and consolation than ever. Then, the woman may feel greatly loved by the man and actually generate greater feelings of love and happiness. As this cycle repeats, both the level of violence and the level of attention and consolation rise higher and higher. The woman gets immersed into the cycle of feeling wounded and feeling loved, and loses the objective perspective on the relationship with the man. The man dominates the woman through both violence and consolation, and the woman stays in the delusion that she is in deep love with the man. This condition is referred to as Stockholm syndrome.
The woman under the influence of violence loses the sense of self-respect. Her value is determined by the man and she becomes completely dependent on the man, always feeling nervous and anxious. She cannot leave the man since she fears losing the man's attention and consolation. She thinks that she can't leave him since she loves him.
She does not criticize him but waits for his care after his violent attack since she has built the habit of getting the man's attention and consolation. She misunderstands that her wounds are treated by the man's attention and consolation, but her wounds actually keeps growing. Many men and women live in such a dangerous situation since they do not know how to heal stress and treat wounds. The root cause of dating violence is the man's stress. Violence automatically disappears when the man establishes a healthy healing system. These days, there are also women who become violent in a dating relationship. The same mechanism applies to such relationships.
Dating violence or domestic violence occurs when the perpetrator has problems in the way he or she relieves stress. The perpetrator gets stressed by the person who provides him or her with stress, and relieves stress by becoming violent at the victim. Then, the perpetrator regrets and feels guilty for the violent behavior, which leads to providing attention and consolation for compensation. Dating violence is especially dangerous since both the perpetrator and the victim misunderstand that the perpetrator is acquitted of the wrongdoing by compensating with attention and consolation.
When dating violence is formed as a habit, it is not controlled by the conscious upon the perception of stress. The man may become violent upon the slightest trigger during daily life. He will become more and more violent and end up committing a serious crime unless they develop a healthy healing system. When a woman wants to break up with a man who can be violent, she must first help him to build a healthy healing system before breaking up. Otherwise, the man is likely to find her by all means and retaliate. Both men and women must carefully examine their partner's habits in the unconscious.
Women do not like men without passion. Men do not like women who do not generate feelings of love. Men without passion and women without feelings of love cannot form romantic emotions no matter how long they stay together. Men need stress to generate passion and women need wounds to generate feelings of love. Also, they need to know how to heal stress and treat wounds in a healthy way to be able to achieve love and happiness together. The lack of understanding of the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology may lead to conflictual relationships and raise the possibility of dating violence.
Dating violence must be viewed not only from the legal or practical perspective but also from the psychological perspective. When the perpetrator's psychology is adequately analyzed and addressed, problems of dating violence may be solved more easily than usually thought.
Also, trying to correct the habits of dating violence by knowledge education that mainly activates the conscious instead of the unconscious actually aggravate the psychological condition of the perpetrator. Any activation of the conscious generates stress in men so, cramming education only adds stress on the already existing tendency of employing violence upon perceiving stress. We must address not the surface phenomenon, which is dating violence, but the root cause, which is the operation of habits and the unconscious to solve the problem.
From the psychological perspective, men's violent actions occur as a form of self-defense when the man senses such extreme stress that he feels as if he would die unless it is avoided or removed at all costs. The majority of cases of violence we see around will disappear when people understand the operational mechanism of human mind and psychology. Men's violent actions are the expression of their unconscious upon perceiving stress in an attempt to get out of the situation. Violence can be stopped when men transform undesirable habits into desirable ones in their unconscious and build the healthy healing system. They become to be able to relieve even the most intense stress through healthy and socially acceptable manners.
A happy dating relationship is based on healthy psychology of individuals and healthy dynamics of psychological interactions between the two people.
Q. I got a divorce 16 years ago. I am seeing a man whose wife passed away a few years ago and he wants to get married with me. However, I don't want to get married again so I feel uncomfortable when I meet him. Should I break up with him?
A. Many people feel uncomfortable about getting married again even when they are in a romantic relationship with a new person. You must feel very comfortable to live alone by now since it has been 16 years after you got a divorce.
Usually, the man whose wife passed away and the woman who got a divorce have different ideas when they meet each other since the psychology of bereavement and that of divorce are quite different. The man may think that he wants to have a good wife again living together and sharing every aspect of life. You don't really want a remarriage but you like the man, so you have the inner conflict.
First of all, you can calmly express your ideas about remarriage to him. You can say that it makes you feel uncomfortable to bring up the idea of remarriage during your date. You don't have to go long to explain why you don't want to remarry in detail. You should not declare that you will never remarry, either. You can simply let him know that you feel uncomfortable about remarriage for now. Hiding and suppressing your emotions to maintain the current relationship will only aggravate your psychological condition, which in turn negatively affects your partner and your relationship with him.
When you express your ideas about remarriage calmly and comfortably, you can expect one of the two possible responses from the man. The first is that the man may feel disappointed and begin to keep distance from you and the second is that the man will wait until you feel comfortable about remarriage and propose remarriage from your part. In the latter cases, he may continue to stay as your partner and make efforts to make you feel positive about remarriage. When the man keeps distance upon his learning about your hesitancy for remarriage, you don't have to keep the relationship with him anymore.
When you become to think positively about remarriage with the man, you must prepare yourself for remarriage by transforming your psychology from the psychology of divorce to that of remarriage. You will repeat the same mistake that you made in your first marriage if you go back to the psychology of the first marriage when you remarry, and then, you will become unhappy again. You will also have to take time to change relationships with people around you including your family members while preparing for remarriage.
The man you will remarry has to change his psychology from the psychology of bereavement to that of remarriage when he marries you in the future. Jumping into remarriage hastily without preparation and adjustment regarding both parties' psychological conditions may lead to another life experience of trial an error. The whole point is not about practical decisions of keeping the relationship, breaking up, or getting remarried, but it is about communicating positively and properly and maintaining healthy psychology.
Q. I am in the process of getting a divorce now. We have decided that I will have custody of children. My husband is 41 years old and I am 37. My 12-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter do not usually listen to me well, so I could not talk to children about the divorce yet. I am worried. What should I do?
A. You must start preparing for how you will manage your life and raise your children after divorce. When parents get a divorce, children also go through changes in relationships. Now, they have a close relationship with both their mother and father, but after divorce, they will keep the relationship with their mother but they will meet their father only occasionally. Children also need time to prepare for the change in the relationship with parents after divorce.
You had the husband to manage life together before divorce, but you will have to decide on every matter alone after divorce. You must change your psychology so that you can raise children on your own and you must prioritize the preparation for such change when you proceed with divorce.
So far, you were not good at communicating with your children and your children did not listen to you well. They are in the phase of the formation of self-identity in psychological development in which they develop their own thought standards and may confront parents ideas. You may experience some conflicts with your children in the process of getting a divorce due to difference in thought standards between you and your children.
So far, you have played the role of a woman, a wife, and a mother. When you get a divorce, you will live as a woman and a mother without the role of a wife. It will be very important to recover the relationship with your children when you get a divorce. You must analyze the reasons for conflicts and miscommunications with children and build the ability to live happily with your children.
You must also protect your children from psychological problems they may go through after divorce. It is important to cultivate the environment where you and your children have fun together, build rapport, and share ideas and emotions. You as their mother must initiate to cultivate good environment for children. You don't have to explain to children the reasons for your divorce in detail and you can simply let them know how the family structure will change and their father will keep serving as their father even after the divorce.
It is also crucial that you must communicate considering their point of view at the level of their eyes. To be able to do so, you must first get closer to them. You must change yourself to get closer to children whether they listen to you or not. Once you are closer to each other, children will begin to listen to you.
It is important for you to stay healthy psychologically to be able to manage your life and take a good care of children after divorce. You must first transform your psychology from the psychology of a married person into that of a divorced person. You must also think about how you want to maintain or change your relationships with family, friends, and people around you including your husband. If you keep in touch with him casually and continuously after divorce, you will stay in the psychology of marriage and put yourself in danger of developing psychological problems.
If you adequately prepare yourself and your children psychologically for life after divorce, you and your children will be able to wisely cope with and solve almost all the practical problems that may occur after divorce.
As a man and a woman start dating, the man maintains positive moods since everything about the woman is perceived positively, which makes the man produce more and more passion toward the woman. The same applies to the woman. The woman begins to love him more and more as she sees the man pouring more and more passion toward her. However, as time passes and they become closer to each other, the woman provides the man with stress and the man provides the woman with wounds.
The man would do anything for the woman when he feels good led by the woman's positive response, but he becomes rough and even violent sometimes when he is stressed by the woman's endless nagging. He displays negative behaviors not because he does not like the woman but because he cannot stand the stress caused by the woman's negative behaviors.
When the woman suddenly stops talking and keeps a frowned face, the man begins to feel stressed. The woman does not respond to his attempts to make her feel better, which leads him to suffer from intense stress. All males are designed either to block stress or to quickly transfer to positive moods upon perceiving stress. The man will try many things to make the woman feel better but he will try to block the inflow of stress when none of his attempts works. He may shout or get rough, and then, begin to avoid the woman and stop contacting her.
On the other hand, the woman's feelings of love toward the man continues even when she feels hurt by him. She may keep checking for his messages and phone calls. She waits and waits for his call and becomes anxious. Then, she may call him disregarding her own pride, but the man does not answer since he has decided to block her. Men do not see women when they cannot have fun and pleasure with them. Continuous stress causes the loss of passion in men, which keeps men from providing women with attention.
Stress plays an important role in the operation of men's mind. Men automatically get stressed when something negative is perceived through sensory organs. Then, they need to relieve stress immediately and get immersed into positive moods to completely forget about the stressful situation.
Men are extremely sensitive to stress and women to psychological wounds. Stress which the man gets during dating is usually provided by the woman's seemingly trivial actions. Suppose that the man and the woman have made an arrangement to have fun together today. The man does not appear at the meeting place and cannot be reached by phone, either. She begins to feel bad from disappointment. It is too late to even have dinner together.
After some time, she feels worried and nervous wondering what would have happened to him. Now, she is almost on the verge of crying and feels really hurt. What if he had an accident? Then, the man runs into the coffee shop panting really hard. The woman simply explodes upon the man's appearance and start yelling at him.
“You know what time it is? Why didn't you call? You have ruined our date!”
“You think I wanted to be late? You don't even know what happened to me.”
The woman expected that the man would apologize to her for being late and provide her with warm consolation. However, he got angry the moment he saw her. She just leaves the coffee shop without thinking twice. The man does not follow her since he is also upset. The woman hopes that he will follow her and stop her, but it does not happen. Then, she stops and thinks. She turns to go back to the coffee shop trying to understand from his point of view why he was late and why he got irritated and angry at her. This is the process of women's effort to treat their own wounds.
When women cannot understand the situation that caused their wounds, they suppress their wounds in spite of themselves, which causes wounds to grow even more. Women with severe wounds experience psychological difficulties every time they meet men for dating. Then, they may decide to stop dating men completely. Any romantic relationship is accompanied by not only fun and pleasure but also stress and wounds. Women treat wounds and generate feelings of love and happiness when they understand the situation of wounds and get attention and consolation from men.
Men generate great energy and passion when they heal stress. Both men and women need to keep and carry stress and wounds to be able to achieve more passion and more love. Stress and wounds are necessary elements in the operation of human mind as sources for understanding and consideration as well as greater love and passion.
When the man and the woman make efforts to be understanding and considerate toward each other, they become the healing system for each other. The psychology of dating is based on men's and women's desire for keeping their healing system right beside themselves. When they cannot serve as each other's healing system, they cannot stand continuous stress and wounds and may break up. Thus, understanding and consideration are absolutely important in a romantic relationship.
Men's passion and women's love are connected in a romantic relationship. Men perceive their passion with positive moods toward the woman as love and women perceive men's attention as love. Women accommodate both positive and negative emotions as feelings of love. Men's negative attention contributes to generating love in women's mind but indifference does not.
Some people do not get involved in romantic relationships since they do not want any kind of stress or wounds. They may seek fun and pleasure mingling with people here and there and through social media. They endlessly communicate on the Internet with people they don't know for every possible topic. Online communication is readily available day and night and keeps you from the sense of isolation. However, happiness of human beings can be achieved only through real human relationships exchanging and overcoming stress and wounds and experiencing the full range of emotions.
No two human beings share the same memory and life experiences. It is a complete fallacy to think that you and your counterparty share feelings. The man and the woman in a dating relationship are bound to have different thought standards and exchange stress and wounds. It is a pity that people give up on their relationship upon the slightest stress and wounds when they can actually grow their passion and love if they wisely overcome stress and wounds. Understanding the operational mechanism of men's and women's mind will prevent many couples from breaking up and promote generating more passion and more love.
Three components of psychology, which are perception, memory of emotion, and expression, keep operating throughout the course of life. A person's psychology must not be judged based on only the visible manifestations of psychological components such as speech, actions, and facial expressions. Also, one's expression is greatly affected by the unconsciousness. When the man speaks and acts roughly and irrationally upon the woman's negative response, it may indicate that the man's unconscious is at work to simply block the incoming stress rather than that he does not like the woman.
When the man and the woman have an argument due to the difference in thought standards, the man does not get stressed if the woman keeps smiling. Males perceive women's smiling face as a positive response and keep generating passion even when the content of women's talk is perceived negatively. The man's passion would make him go to catch a star in the sky for her. The woman does not generate wounds when the man does not generate stress. The woman may be moved by the man's passion toward her and generate more feelings of love. Then, they will grow trust toward each other and have their hearts connected.
When the man and the woman ride a roller coaster, the train moves on the flat surface at first. They look around and talk to each other anticipating fun and pleasure. Then, it goes up to the highest point and stays there for a few seconds. They may develop fear and get nervous not knowing what may happen the next moment. The train begins to plunge with no mercy and the woman screams regretting her decision to ride on the train and blaming the man for taking her to the amusement park. She swears that she will never do such a foolish thing again in her lifetime. Finally, the train arrives back at the station and stops. The fear and anxiety suddenly disappear and the woman senses delight and excitement.
She expresses her feelings of happiness to the man holding his hands tightly and he feels the flame of passion generated inside himself. The life with the whole range of emotions circulating inside you as if you were riding a roller coaster is the life with the energy of passion and love at their full force.
You must not give up the ecstasy of riding the roller coaster in life just because it is difficult to overcome stress and wounds. Only with the suffering of stress and wounds are the deep emotions of happiness which are passion for men and love for women generated.
No one else but the victimized spouse can sense the excruciating psychological pain of post traumatic stress caused by spouse infidelity. The victimized spouses may blame themselves or their spouses for their suffering. Many people do not even realize that their pain comes from post traumatic stress and aggravate their pathological condition by trying to solve the problem in wrong ways.
Not many people know that the spouse in infidelity has developed relationship addiction, which is a psychological disorder. They assume that they have problems of marriage, love, and sex, and try to solve those problems by taking practical measures. They even develop the absurd idea that the spouse in infidelity may come back to senses and be able to recover their condition and save their marriage. Both the spouse in infidelity and the victimized spouse have developed psychological disorders, to which the method of self-recovery by conscious effort cannot be applied to achieve cure.
Many people think that they want to treat and recover but not many people have the willpower to make efforts and go through the long and hard process. Not many people understand that the happiness of life is valuable enough to make all their effort to achieve, and they may have to pay with their whole life for giving up and collapsing upon spouse infidelity. Not many people understand that it is their spouse who caused their condition of post traumatic stress, but it is only themselves who can treat their condition by gearing up to exert their willpower and making efforts.
A small number of people seem to learn the fact that they have developed post traumatic stress due to spouse infidelity, and their spouses have developed relationship addiction. They may also learn that the first thing to do is to treat their post traumatic stress on their own, and then, can make practical decisions on their marriage relationship and other practical matters.
As you look for adequate treatment methods of post traumatic stress, it is important that you judge and determine on the right methods since there are so many incorrect information available. Even so called experts and professionals provide wrong information and inadequate treatment methods, out of the lack of knowledge or their own selfish purposes.
Also, any treatment method that sounds too easy or leads you to comfort and pleasure immediately without making efforts or taking time is considered to be not only ineffective but also detrimental. Normalizing psychological condition after experiencing post traumatic stress takes a couple of years of making efforts to realign the operation of the unconscious and prevent the recurrence of the symptoms. Post traumatic stress is as serious a condition as a cancer in your body. If you try to treat a cancer by adopting the method for treating a mild cold, you cannot but waste time and effort and aggravate the condition.
Some people choose to do their best to recover themselves regardless of their spouse's condition or the current marriage relationship. They are considered to have strong willpower for restoring healthy psychology and happiness. They usually try hard to find the right way instead of easy ones. They have the strong willpower to complete the process making efforts and taking time, and they take actions to start treatment without waiting too long.
On the other hand, people who do not have the willpower for the restoration of happiness in a true sense look for easy ways or just stay where they are. They may endure the difficult situation without hope and make excuses for not being able to do anything. They may blame themselves or others. They may adopt only practical solutions such as lawsuits, retaliation, or divorce. They may seek pleasure or get immersed into diverse activities to compensate for their psychological pain.
Please, check for your current condition by referring to the provided descriptions. You may have the willpower to restore your psychology and happiness making efforts and taking time, and look for the right way to achieve a complete cure. Or you may opt for seemingly easy ways that will eventually ruin your whole life, or deny or suppress your serious condition and aggravate the situation. We hope that you belong to the former category and keep up with your willpower for happiness of yourself and your loved ones in a true sense.
